Wonderland for Sunderland and other stories

What a weekend in the erratic goldfish bowl of the Premier League. At the top, there were shocks-a-plenty, while at the bottom, there was minimal movement but plenty of drama. Despite 8 teams failing to score, there were an average of 2.4 goals a game, and I actually correctly predicted the unlikely Spurs-Blackburn score. Unfortunately it was part of the Sky Sports ‘Super Six’ competition, and I failed with all of my other scores!

Where else to start but Stamford Bridge, where Sunderland pulled off the performance and result of the season, against a team that hadn’t lost at home since February, and rarely drop a point there. The fact that Sunderland had conceded 12 goals in their last 2 visits there, and had recently been demolished by their North-East counterparts also did not bode well for Steve Bruce’s men. In any sport, this result seemed to be a home certainty. But closer examination of the Chelsea line-up may offer a clue as to the paucity of their own performance. The front three were at their strongest: Drogba, Anelka and Malouda; 16 goals between them already this season. But when we consider Drogba is still recovering from his unfortunate bout of malaria and has not looked his best, it looks slightly less strong. Then a look at Chelsea’s midfield: the new boy Ramires, the normally-peripheral Yuri Zhirkov and the erratic and unreliable Jon Obi Mikel. Missing powerhouse Michael Essien and goal-threat Frank Lampard was a stretch too far. At the back, it was even worse, with Chelski fielding 4 full-backs; the still-not-fully-fit Jose Bosingwa, Branislav Ivanovic, the weak at full-back Paulo Ferreira playing at centre-half, and Cashley Cole. Missing John Terry and Alex, this Chelsea defence was prone to any guile, and their midfield hardly afforded them protection. Basically, Chelsea’s decent squad players normally embellishing the stars were asked to become their indispensible first eleven, and failed miserably. Another rather lamer excuse of the departure of Ray ‘the crab’ Wilkins was offered up, perhaps because he is English, and we all hate to see English people made redundant, but this was spurious. Steve Bruce deserves huge credit for deciding to deploy two strikers in the face of a potential battering, and fortune favoured his brave decision.

Chelsea actually began brightly, with a dangerous through-ball setting Anelka bounding through, only for Craig Gordon to make a decision and get there in the nick of time, palming the ball away before Anelka flew over him. Minutes later, Yuri Zhirkov showed us what he is capable of, showing quick feet and balance in gliding between Sunderland’s backline, before ruining his good work with an effort well wide. The action was hotting up, and Petr Cech was forced into the save of the game , when a lovely cross was met by a superb downward header into the bottom corner by Danny Wellbeck. The big Czech got down like lightning to palm it away one-handed. Didier Drogba summed up his current form when he gave away an easy pass in the middle of the park, triggering a pacy Sunderland counter, where Asamoah Gyan set Wellbeck away. Wellbeck’s touch on his chest was perfect, but his left-foot effort couldn’t beat the huge frame of Cech. Not long afterwards, Chris Foy bottled the biggest decision of the game, as some crisp Sunderland passing and movement culminated in Zenden sliding the ball in front of Danny Wellbeck, with acres to run into past last man Ivanovic, who cynically tugged him to the ground. Even the most myopic Chelsea fan saw it was a sending off, yet Foy allowed him to stay on the pitch with just a caution. Any feelings of injustice from the Mackems was quelled on the stroke of half-time from an unlikely source. After a cracking move involving man-of-the-match Wellbeck led to a great double save from Cech, right-back Nedim Onuoha picked up the loose ball 40 yards from goal on his weaker side. A jink and sway later, he had cut through two Chelsea defenders, and scuffed the ball through the desperate challenge of Ivanovic and past Petr Cech for a magnificent opening goal.

It didn’t take long in the second half for Sunderland to extend their advantage. Another pacy break caught Chelsea cold, with Wellbeck finding England prospect Jordan Henderson, who had come from nowhere to support the attack, and reversed the ball beautifully to find Asamoah Gyan, who had a short window to manoeuvre in, but got the ball out of his feet and finished expertly inside Cech’s far post. The Chelsea resurgence everyone expected never came, bar an Anelka chance fired just over, and in the dying moments Kieran Richardson bust a gut to pressurise Cashley Cole on the touchline, who conjured up the most hilarious moment of the season, proving that a hundred a grand a week doesn’t prevent a player from playing the most braindead ball across their own box to set up an open goal for Wellbeck to cap his flawless display. Chelsea 0-3 Sunderland. Read that back.

Arsenal cut Chelsea’s lead to just two points with an excellent victory at the always-difficult Goodison Park. Lining up in their fetching custard-yellow away strip, for what reason noone knows as red should not clash with blue, the Gunners are beginning to look formidable now their big players are all returning. It could have been so different though, after livewire Seamus Coleman skinned Cesc Fabregas and broke into the box, delivering a pinpoint cross that Tim Cahill somehow headed over. You had to rub your eyes to believe that it was actually master of the perfect header Cahill who had made such a mess of such a glorious chance. The Toffees rued this opportunity before half-time, when some baffling slackness in their own box saw Arshavin feed a completely unmarked Sagna, who had time to look up a few yards from goal, before launching the ball high inside Howard’s near post. The fast-improving Lukasz Fabianski made his only mistake when he misjudged a long cross, which Luis Saha nodded against the outside of his post, bizarrely in vain as the generous linesman claimed it had already gone out, thus defying the laws of physics. Minutes after half-time, Arsenal scored the kind of goal that has you just shaking your head at how they can manoeuvre in such small spaces. Denilson approached a packed penalty area and slid a short ball into Fabregas, who just helped it on, nutmegging Steven Pienaar in the process as it reached Chamakh, who quickly dinked the ball on a sixpence right into the stride of Fabregas, who rattled the ball through another set of legs; Phil Jagielka’s, on its way into the net; a sublime second goal which essentially killed the game. When Jack Rodwell skied the ball after a lovely Everton move, it confirmed their demise. Samir Nasri should have killed the game when he cut through the blue backline like a knife through butter, but Howard won the one-on-one battle. An even better chance was squandered when Nasri slid in Fabregas, who dinked a cross that Chamakh skied from three yards.

A newly-confident Jermaine Beckford came on, and forced Lukasz Fabianski into a wonderful plunging save with a spin and shot, while Pienaar belted a great opportunity right down Fabianski’s throat. The Gunners stopper then pulled off another outstanding reflex save to keep out a top-corner bound effort from Luis Saha, but with two minutes to go the constant Everton pressure yielded a result, when a well-worked corner cleared Fabianski, and was nodded back across by Saha for Cahill to beat the defender to and steer into the net from five yards. Too little, too late for the wasteful Toffees.

Villa Park saw a most unexpected display from either team, but the expected entertainment from two sides who normally serve up a thriller at the Villa. With Marc Albrighton, Barry Bannan and Jonathan Hogg lining up, as well as more from the bench, Villa’s line-up was incredibly young, and ironic when you consider the last time Villa beat United at Villa Park, Alan Hansen declared United would ‘win nothing with kids’. The first half was just a Claret and Blue onslaught. United were worse than poor, and Stewart Downing particularly was running riot, yet no goals were registered. The second period saw United play even worse, if worse was possible, and Villa up the ante, as a Downing cross was thumped against United’s crossbar by the forehead of James Collins, and Gabriel Agbonlohor seized on a Vidic tackle to strike the post. Astonishingly it wasn’t until the 72^nd minute that the opening goal came. United, all over the place as usual, allowed Agbonlohor possession just inside the box. Vidic desperately kept pace and lunged in, but rather than win the ball cleanly he merely helped it into the centre, where Ashley Young became the meat in a Brown-Ferdinand sandwich. Mike Dean pointed to the spot, and Ashley Young dispatched the kick. This did nothing to shake United from their lethargy, and minutes later a pacy counter saw Ashley Young feed the ball wide to Downing, who crossed for the incredibly unmarked Albrighton to nod home for 2-0 and apparently game over.

Gabriel Obertan and Federico Macheda had been sent on minutes earlier for the ineffectual Berbatov and Hernandez, and soon after the second goal United decided to show some willing. Rio Ferdinand had a close-range volley cleared off the line by Albrighton, but five minutes after Villa’s second goal, United halved the deficit. A cross was nodded down by Vidic for Fletcher, who had the presence of mind to deftly control and backheel to the onrushing Macheda, whose first-time drive arrowed into the net, continuing his reputation as the scourge of Aston Villa. At the other end Downing had a chance to put the game to bed but his rising right-footed drive cleared the bar. With five minutes to play, a superb deep cross by Nani was missed by a cluster of bodies in the centre, but not Nemanja Vidic, who stole in at the back post to guide it back across Friedel and in with his head for a scarcely-deserved 2-2 draw. There was still time for Obertan to burst through in the dying seconds; Villa breathing a sigh of relief as Friedel rushed out to save with his face.

White Hart Lane

saw more cracking entertainment as Big Sam’s Clogs of War rolled into town. It took just quarter of an hour for Gareth Bale to make an enterprising run across the front post and get his head on a Van Der Vaart corner for the opening goal, and from then on it seemed business as usual. Luka Modric was adjudged to have dived when it looked like a clear penalty before Roman Pavlyuchenko was sent clean through by an atrocious Phil Jones backpass, yet to the general bewilderment of the stadium, the elegant Russian fired the glorious chance miles over the crossbar with the outside of his boot. Forgotten man Jermaine Jenas produced a fine dribble into the heart of Rovers’ area, before Robinson came out to collect, only for Crouch to throw himself in front of the goalkeeper for a dubious spot-kick. As it was, it didn’t matter anyway, as Pavlyuchenko astonishingly fired wide of the target again. Rovers had some good moments, particularly when Croatian Nikola Kalinic produced an exquisite Cruyff turn to wriggle away from two defenders, only to see Gomes foil his effort. Pavlyuchenko was saved from a potential half-time substitution by that crossing wizard Bale, who seemed not to have any room, but somehow bent an exceptional cross around Chimbonda right on to the head of the Russian, who found the net for a 2-0 half-time lead.

The second half continued in much the same vein, with Spurs destroying the destroyers, though Rovers had their moments early on. Half-time substitute Jason Roberts and Morten Gamst Pedersen combined, with Gallas clearing off the line, but Rovers were sunk after Paul Robinson made a fantastic save from Pavlyuchenko’s blockbusting effort, only for Gael Givet to take a ridiculous touch which Crouch gratefully used to crash in the rebound, much to Robinson’s comical consternation. Another superb Robinson fingertip save was exerted from the source of Pavlyuchenko’s boot, but when Van Der Vaart completely miskicked a cross, Gareth Bale didn’t need an invitation to smash the loose ball in for 4-0. To say Spurs took their foot off the pedal from here is an understatement. A ball was lazily cleared to David Dunn, whose drilled effort nicked a defender on the way in. Younes Kaboul was then forced to clear off the goal-line within minutes, and with a minute to go the deficit was reduced further, when man mountain Christopher Samba knocked down a cross for Gael Givet to erase memories of his howler. 4-2 was very kind to Blackburn, and the game ruined Rafael Van Der Vaart’s 100% record of scoring at home.

Liverpool showed us why they can never be trusted by losing to Stoke City, ending their false revival, in no small part thanks to an anonymous display from talisman Fernando Torres. After some early Rory Delap long throws had Liverpool pressing the panic button, a thunderous shot from Dean Whitehead was parried well by Reina. Kenwyne Jones later missed the kind of header he would normally score with his eyes closed. At the other end, Asmir Begovic kept out a long-range Steven Gerrard effort, but the flow of the game dictated Stoke would take the lead, and it happened in the 56^th minute; the mother of all goalmouth scrambles ending with Ricardo Fuller taking two swipes and eventually bundling the ball over the line for the opening goal. Begovic was hit with the whole goal to aim at by Maxi Rodriguez to maintain Stoke’s lead, and Liverpool did not look like turning the game around. In the last minute, Steven Gerrard thoughtlessly gave the ball away for Kenwyne Jones to race through, hold off Skrtel and drill past Reina for 2-0. The apparently in-form Lucas Leiva then very cleverly kicked through his man to earn a second yellow card in stoppage time.

A thoroughly entertaining game at Molineux, except for the post-match interviewer dealing with an increasingly hacked-off Mick McCarthy. Wolves started how they started last week: by conceding inside the first minute, with Richard Stearman; the epitome of clumsiness so far this season, putting through his own net under pressure from Matt Taylor. Nenad Milijas drilled in a long-ranger which was saved, as was the follow-up from Matt Jarvis. Milijas then got a ball out of his feet brilliantly, but could only clip the crossbar. By the time Ebanks-Blake had hit the post, Wolves had plenty of reasons to suggest they could get back into the game. These hopes were snuffed out just after the hour, with the rest of the game’s four goals all coming in a frenetic 16-minute period. On 61 minutes, some typically nice work from Stuart Holden fed Johan Elmander with 3 defenders about him. Elmander then morphed into Dennis Bergkamp, with a sumptuous drag-back and spin bamboozling his triumvirate of markers and allowing him a second to find the composed finish his moment of finesse deserved. Five minutes later, Chung-Yong Lee was put through, and found Holden waiting to put the away Wanderers 3-0 up. The home Wanderers, however, had something to say before the end. Two minutes after the killer third, Wolves scored an apparent consolation, when Matt Jarvis’ trickery left room for Kevin Foley to bend the ball in. When Stephen Fletcher met a cross that everyone had missed with a diving header for 3-2, the heat was really on for the debt-laden Trotters, but Steven Mouyokolo blew his big opportunity at the death, nodding a glorious cross wide of the target to leave Wolves ruing another costly defeat.

West Ham and Blackpool served up possibly the most entertaining goalless draw you’re ever likely to see, in the wake of ‘Ollie’s threat to resign should he be reprimanded for changing ten members of his team for the midweek defeat to Aston Villa. Blackpool have been, to quote a well-worn cliché, a breath of fresh air this season, going gung-ho in every game, but not without a measure of intelligence. They’ve rarely been destroyed by any team, and create bucketfuls of chances per game. If only DJ Campbell could finish they would be higher still. After a thunderous Obinna volley had struck the hand of Cathcart from about three yards away, it was a bit rich for the Hammers to feel hard done by at no penalty award. Blackpool, however, had a credible reason for being aggrieved, when Marlon Harewood had a perfectly good goal denied for offside. The Hammers hit back, forcing a goal-line clearance from Evatt and hitting the post through luckiest man in the country Carlton Cole, who is somehow in the England squad ahead of Kevin Davies. There was still time for Gary Taylor-Fletcher to miss an absolute sitter, and Robert Green to be bailed out of his error by an alert defender, but with 40+ shots, this has to go down as one of the great Premier League goalless draws.

Wigan recorded a vital win against West Brom to move out of the relegation zone. The Baggies looked fatigued from their week’s exertions, though James Morrison should have scored after a lovely one-two with Peter Odemwingie, but blazed wide. The Wigan breakthrough didn’t come until the 70^th minute. It was predictable that the buzzing threat of Charles N’Zogbia was at the heart of it, with the Frenchman’s sumptuous skill taking him to the edge of the box before slipping a gorgeous ball through to young Victor Moses, who fired across Carson brilliantly. Franco Di Santo wasted a decent chance late on, but that was pretty much it. Wigan for the moment trimming the entertainment, but no longer defensive jokes.

Newcastle again struggled at home, against a Fulham side playing in a rather fetching little green number. Andy Johnson was back and buzzing, while new England recruit Andy Carroll was on top form, though apparently injured for England duty. Tim Krul made a vital brave early save from the marauding Clint Dempsey, while a Carroll bullet at the other end hit his own landlord Kevin Nolan; the rebound volley by Peter Lovenkrands well saved. Carroll later cracked a sweet drive which was again well dealt with by Schwarzer, while the best chance bounced up to Moussa Dembele in the second half, but the Moroccan could only crack the crossbar to leave honours even.

Mancitti-Birmingham was every bit as dull as the neutral would expect from these two stiflers, with City recording their second nil-nil in four days. Carlos Tevez tried emulating a compatriot by handling the ball as he scored, James Milner saw an effort hacked off the line, while Adam Johnson provided sporadic moments of class in an otherwise terrible game. Speaking of terrible, a Barry Ferguson backpass let in Tevez, but it wasn’t to be the Argentine’s day as he put it wide under pressure. Tis the season, and Roque Santa Claus came on just after the hour mark, to mark the festive build-up, no doubt.

Until next week gentle readers…