Tough at the top

A weekend of shocks as the already-compressed Premier League table became even more so. To say Birmingham rode their luck is putting it mildly, while it will take a miracle, or three world class players in January, to save West Ham from relegation now.

Possibly the most ludicrous North London derby in Premier League history saw an unfathomable second half comeback from Spurs, clinching a 3-2 victory against all the odds away to their neighbours for the first time since 1993. Unlike the 4-4 draw a couple of seasons back, this wasn’t built on furious attacking football, but just an incredible collapse from Arsenal. A curious footnote was the fact that 6 of the 8 defenders in the starting line-ups were French, including all of Arsenal’s. One Frenchman who was treated to a hostile return by fans and Samir Nasri was William Gallas, who then proceeded to have a man-of-the-match day. The Gunners started as dominant as you would expect, and by the eighth minute they were ahead, after a majestic 40 yard through-ball from Cesc Fabregas was seized upon by Samir Nasri, only for Heurelho Gomes to fly out and present the opposite of an immovable object, allowing Nasri to plough through his pitiful challenge, then squeeze the ball in from an excruciating angle, despite the dithering Benoit Assou-Ekotto giving chase and being able to clear if he had swung at the ball first time instead of allowing it to bounce apologetically over the line. Spurs were architects of their own downfall for Arsenal’s second, when Alan Hutton injured himself helping to launch an attack, and before he could pick himself up, Roman Pavlyuchenko went to great lengths to hook the ball back in play as it was drifting out for a goal kick, only to allow Arsenal to launch a lightning counter-attack, where the ball was eventually fed wide to Andrei Arshavin, with Hutton limping pathetically in an attempt to block the Russian’s cross, which found Marouane Chamakh’s lunge in the centre, stabbing the ball in from close range.

The first half had been comprehensive, and there was nothing to suggest more wouldn’t follow in the second, but Arsenal were curiously docile, and Spurs halved the deficit quickly. Harry Redknapp had brought on livewire Jermain Defoe, which changed the focal point of Spurs’ attacks. Somehow, the little Englishman beat defender Sebastien Squillaci in the air, and when Rafael Van Der Vaart got the ball under control and slid in Gareth Bale under pressure in the box, the Welshman finished superbly across Fabianski with the outside of his boot. Luka Modric sent a rising drive just over, and it was clear the impetus of the game had swung in the Lilywhites’ favour. Tottenham won a free-kick just outside the box on 67 minutes, and Fabregas decided to lift his, and team-mate Marouane Chamakh’s arms to provide an obstacle, which Rafael Van Der Vaart found. Seconds later, the Dutchman found the corner of the net with his penalty for an unlikely equaliser. This seemed to rouse the dozing Gunners, and they carved out numerous chances in an attempt to claim back their victory. Fabregas nodded a flicked free-kick across for Squillaci to nod into an empty net, but both men were clearly offside. Fabregas then fired a volley over, and ended a weaving run with a curling effort, which Gomes tipped the wrong side of the post. Laurent Koscielny then added to his growing collection of close-range sitter misses, when a Van Persie cross found him completely free, six yards out, but the defender somehow contrived to head over. The French wastrel then compounded his error by wiping out Gareth Bale for a free-kick which Van Der Vaart bent in dangerously, with Younes Kaboul rising above Koscielny and Squillaci to flick into the bottom corner for an incredible winner. Despite sending on Van Persie , Walcott and Rosicky, Wenger was left to throw the water bottle out of the pram, as his side threw away a chance to go top of the table, though with Arsenal dominating possession, and Spurs scoring with their only three shots on target, he was entitled to question just how that turnaround came about.

Birmingham supplied the second big shock of the day, and again it was built from far less possession and chances than their imperious visitors, who once again could not find a route to goal without Lampard and Essien, while Birmingham’s goal seemed like the kind that John Terry may have been more alert to. Amazingly, another Birmingham victory was built on the fact that master of caution McLeish once again played two up front. It’s a strange coincidence that most of their wins come from this ambition, and most draws and defeats come from flooding the midfield. Clearly the midfield was not flooded enough to keep much possession, but in any league you are rewarded for goals, not touching the ball. Ben Foster produced the kind of outrageous display that makes you wonder why he couldn’t provide it for Manchester United or England, but there wasn’t much sign of what was to come early on, when Didier Drogba brilliantly chested the ball to put Kalou in, prompting Foster to race out and get nutmegged by the Ivorian, whose shot bounced the wrong side of the post for Chelsea. Salomon Kalou then returned the favour, putting Drogba clean through, but Foster raced out decisively and forced Drogba to strike early, saving his effort. Birmingham then shocked even their own fans by scoring with their first notable attack. A long cross from Sebastian Larsson drew both centre-backs to the ball, only for Cameron Jerome to win it and knock the ball down into the centre, where the scandalously untracked Lee Bowyer galloped through to finish past a bewildered Cech. It’s no exaggeration to say that Ben Foster then had a ‘Gordon Banks moment’, when a cross was met from no more than eight yards by Drogba, powering his header down, only to see Foster’s incredible reflexes get him down to the bottom corner in a flash and turn it away one-handed. Even the woodwork seemed to be on Birmingham’s side when another excellent Drogba header crashed off the crossbar. More Foster excellence followed, keeping out a sneaky Drogba free-kick, a superb Ivanovic header late on, and getting Liam Ridgewell out of the mess he created with a moronic backpass, by tackling Kalou with his feet, then palming the ball out from the loose ball as Kalou looked set to regain control. Birmingham clung on for a famous win, despite Chelsea having nearly 25 shots to their 2.

With both potential table-toppers losing, Manchester United had a chance to seize the title initiative at home to a newly-defensively-sound Wigan team. The Latics could have profited early on when Nemanja Vidic made a right mess of clearing, but Jordi Gomes blazed over. At the other end, Nani stung Ali Al-Habsi’s fingertips, and Gabriel Obertan was scythed down by Wigan captain Antonin Alcaraz, to earn the defender an obvious booking he would later regret. Wigan’s man-of-the-moment Charles N’Zogbia nearly made another headline for himself when he slalomed through 4 United shirts, only to be foiled by Edwin Van Der Sar. The first half proved pretty even, but on the stroke of half-time the home fans were in raptures, when Park Ji-Sung delivered banquet of a cross to the back post, and Patrice Evra was the first to gorge, cashing in on Al-Habsi’s hesitancy, perhaps believing mistakenly his defenders would actually do their jobs, rather than leave the Frenchman free as a bird to swoop in and nod across the Omanian goalkeeper and into the net.

Wigan, who had held their own, then pressed the self-destruct button in the second half, with captain Alcaraz lunging in needlessly to take down Darren Fletcher for a second yellow card, before his replacement as captain; Hugo Rodallega, leapt into a two-footed assault on Rafael Da Silva to leave Wigan with nine men. Roberto Martinez criticised the referee, and Nemanja Vidic did get away with a clear tug on Charles N’Zogbia right on the edge of the box, but aside from this Wigan only had themselves to blame for losing their heads. Javier Hernandez made the game safe with another unorthodox manipulation to dive and head Rafael’s cross in from six yards, though this time the lack of Wigan marking could be explained by their dearth of numbers. The prodigal son; Wayne Rooney entered the fold to a mixed reception on 56 minutes, and he had a good header saved, while missing a close-range chance that fell to him quickly. Though his first touch was not assured, he looked a lot more applied than before his little injury, infidelity and greed issues. United fans will hope the best is yet to come. Still United pressed, and Evra missed a glorious chance in the dying minutes, but 2-0 against nine men is against not convincing at all, despite United’s still-unbeaten opening to the season, though the result moves them level on points with Chelsea.

Bolton Wanderers continue to impress, especially at the Reebok, where they destroyed away day warriors Newcastle United with an inspired display from the formerly-maligned Johan Elmander. Former Trotter Kevin Nolan returned to his old home for the first time, and began like a man on a mission, harrying and robbing Paul Robinson trying to usher the ball out on the touchline, only to blunder with his finish. His eagerness counted against him minutes later, when the ball skipped up off his thigh and he instinctively nudged the ball away with his elbow, for a blatant penalty that Kevin Davies calmly stroked home. Newcastle’s response came in the form of a low Jose Enrique cross missed by everyone, while a more debatable response came in the form of persistent rough treatment dished out to Johan Elmander, particularly a headbutt from Mike Willamson, though this was all in vain when they couldn’t get clearances right. One particularly bad one fell to Chung-Yong Lee, who made them pay with a second Bolton goal. The second half saw Newcastle continue their braindead tactic of simply targeting Elmander, while leaving Kevin Davies free to dominate them, and when the big man received a ball inside from Lee, he slipped a perfect ball between defenders to their nemesis Elmander, who collected and rounded Krul before netting.

Newcastle finally made an impression in the right way through a Bolton error, with midfield dynamo Stuart Holden’s tackle on Ameobi inadvertently rebounding to Andy Carroll, galloping through to beat Jaaskelainen expertly. Gary Cahill of all people then came close for Bolton before a teasing Gutierrez cross was missed by both Nolan and Carroll in the centre. A long ball upfield was dithered upon by Fabricio Colocinni, perhaps caught in two minds about whether to kick the ball or Elmander. In the end he did neither, as the Swede rounded and then outmuscled him, before finishing superbly past the onrushing Krul. When the same situation presented itself on the opposite flank, the Argentine remembered his instructions and smashed his arm into Elmander’s face, pole-axing the Swede and receiving a few extra minutes to wash his lustrous mane. At the other end, the main resistance came from a man who mainly throws his fists off the pitch; Andy Carroll, whose snapshot crashed off the bar, with no Toon attacker following in effectively. In stoppage time, Bolton rubbed salt into Newcastle’s festering wounds, when another neat move saw Moreno feed Davies inside the box, where Jose Enrique barged in from behind, giving away a second penalty, which in the absence of the substituted Elmander, who surely would loved to have bagged a hat-trick in light of his constant harassment, Davies tucked away superbly well.

Mancitti took the opportunity to oust Bolton from, and barge back into, the VIP lounge of the Premiership by demolishing a pitiful Fulham at Craven Cottage. Former City boss Mark Hughes must have found it galling that his normally composed and efficient team chose the return of his old side to turn in their worst performance of the season. Surely the watchword from the start would have been a pressing game to unsettle City’s big-hitters, but instead Fulham stood yards off of every player, allowing the likes of Tevez and Silva to run riot at their leisure. Within 6 minutes, Gareth Barry found Tevez, loitering on the edge of the ‘18’, with an unexceptional pass, but Carlos Salcido saw fit to make a ridiculous attempt to intercept through the bullish Argentinian, collapsing to leave Tevez spinning and finding the corner of Schwarzer’s net. The Australian goalkeeper earned his wages with a great low save from Kolorov, but just after the half-hour he was once again picking the ball from his net. Jo fed the ball wide to David Silva, whose cross saw a godawful clearance from Damien Duff turn into a lovely lay-off for Argentinian full-back Pablo Zabaleta to drive the ball in, via Duff’s heels. City then won the ball back from Fulham’s kick-off, and kept it for an unfeasibly long time unbothered, culminating in Carlos Tevez running at a static backline and laying a telegraphed ball wide to Yaya Toure, which nevertheless found Salcido on his heels and Toure finding the opposite corner of the net. Tevez almost added to his tally, but failed in a one-on-one with Schwarzer, before he extended the lead on 56 minutes; with a corner scramble leading to another lousy clearance, this time by ex-City man Dickson Etuhu, and once again finding that man Zabaleta, whose drilled shot was backheeled up and into the net by the poaching Tevez: a goal made in Argentina to no doubt delight Argentine legend/cheat/cokehead/angry man Diego Maradona in the stands. Fulham actually created a meaningful attack when Salcido found substitute Diomansy Kamara, whose low cross to Andy Johnson was met with a superb tackle from Vincent Kompany. City were clearly bored of toying with Fulham, and the Cottagers gave the score a shred of respectability with a consolation in the 69^th minute, with yet another corner scramble finding Zoltan Gera, whose drive was deflected in most likely by Yaya’s brother Kolo.

What can we say about Liverpool’s pasting of West Ham? The Hammers have a stinking record at Anfield, but even accounting for that this performance had relegation written all over it. Roy Hodgson delighted the Anfield faithful by starting with 2 up front, even if one of those was the usually useless David N’Gog. The two strikers combined early on, with the Spaniard Torres firing narrowly wide, while a long-range Meireles effort was tipped over by Rob Green. On 17 minutes the paper-thin resistance was broken, when ex-Hammer Glen Johnson was quick to rattle the loose ball home from a corner. Ten minutes later the score was doubled, when Torres pressurised Danny Gabbidon into a handball, for a penalty which Dirk Kuyt converted straight down the middle, with Rob Green obligingly diving out of the way. Another ten minutes passed, and Liverpool were three up. Jonathan Obinna calamitously lost possession just outside his own box, Maxi Rodriguez fed Torres, whose effort was saved, only for another ex-Hammer; Paul Konchesky, to deliver a quick cross for Rodriguez to glance home from point-blank range. The main highlight of a predictable second half was a spin and thunderous shot from Torres magnificently tipped onto the crossbar by Green, and when the loose ball was crossed to Poulsen, the Hammers stopper found his way to the opposite side of his net to tip the effort wide. Green then tipped a long-range Fabio Aurelio effort over, while the Hammers’ dismal resistance ended with an appalling headed sitter miss from Frederic Piquionne, after Barrera’s cross found him six yards out in the middle of goal.

The two oranges lined up at Bloomfield Road, with the Tangerines of Blackpool; worst home record in the division, taking on the all-golds of Wolverhampton Wanderers; worst away record in the division. An interesting prelude to the match had come with Ian Holloway’s threat to resign in the wake of potential sanctions from the FA over his ten changes to the Blackpool team against Aston Villa, while Mick McCarthy had already been stupidly fined for the same thing. Perhaps the big difference in the two cases was that Mick’s rhetoric was apologetically defeatist, whilst Ian Holloway believed his side could get a result, which they very nearly did. As ‘Ollie said: if the Premier League requires a 25-man squad to be named, then surely all of those players are then registered to be played any time the manager wishes. Unless the Premier League is in the pockets of the tabloid media, which wouldn’t be surprising.

Wolves, who had turned in a string of fine performances for very little reward, were stung yet again by an early goal, with Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney clobbering an audacious effort from the outside corner of the 18-yard box into Hahnemann’s top corner in just the third minute. Minutes later, Ian Evatt bounded forward unchecked and had his looping effort saved. Wolves showed very little attacking prowess, and were undone again just before half-time, when Varney once again made an impact, taking advantage of Hahnemann missing a David Vaughan corner by nodding the ball down, where Marlon Harewood was waiting four yards out to bundle the ball over the line. The second half saw a much better response from Wolves, with Matt Jarvis cutting across the box and unleashing a shot which Richard Kingson tipped onto the post. The Ghanian then pulled off a great reflex save from Ebanks-Blake, while a low cross later left Ebanks-Blake to tap into an open net, before Ian Evatt magnificently slid across his man to intercept off his toes. Prince William finally saw Wolves make inroads in the 86^th minute, when muscular full-back Elokobi looped a cross into a packed penalty box, and Kevin Doyle ended his long drought by guiding a header into the net. DJ Campbell responded by attempting to lob Hahnemann from the halfway line, but as usual his shooting only troubled the ball-boys. With injury time ticking away, Kingson relieved the remaining pressure by taking no chances with a dangerous cross, tipping it over the bar.

West Bromwich Albion’s poor run of form continued, as they were comfortably beaten by a confident Stoke team at the Hawthorns. Albion greatly missed the influence of Chris Brunt, while Tony Pulis might have to stop with the officiating excuses for defeats, after his side received more penalties in this game than the whole of last season. As the only side who hadn’t conceded a header, you felt West Brom were up against it, against the team who love headers more than any other goal form, other than perhaps bundling the ball scrappily in on the goal-line while Robert Huth fouls the goalkeeper. Jermaine Pennant was injured early on, which didn’t bother Stoke in the end, especially as Tuncay; a far better player, came on. Youssouf Mulumbu sent a long-ranger narrowly over for the Baggies, while everyone missed a dangerous Giles Barnes cross. West Brom seemed to have the better of the first half without being clinical, but in the 55^th minute, Kenwyne Jones bought a penalty, after theatrically throwing himself over Scott Carson. Matthew Etherington found the absolute corner with his spot-kick.  West Brom responded with some pressure of their own, but Tchoyi and Cech saw their efforts fail, and their spirit was killed with five minutes left, when Simon Cox barged Dean Whitehead over as he ran onto a Tuncay pass. This time it was the moustachioed Jonathan Walters who converted the penalty, and the same man got Stoke’s third in the last minute, after Kenwyne Jones had managed to backheel between three defenders giving him close attention on the touchline. Walters’ first effort was saved, but he rattled the rebound in for an impressive away victory.

A pretty poor game at Ewood Park, in a fixture which yields an average of four goals a time, but only two this. The new Indian owners of Blackburn were in town, and they saw Morten Gamst Pedersen continue his personal renaissance, as he scored a whipped free-kick that ex-Rover Brad Friedel failed miserably to palm out on the half-time whistle, and touched in a Ryan Nelsen drive after 65 minutes to make the game safe. In between, Stewart Downing and Ashley Young terrorised the Rovers’ backline, but Paul Robinson and the crossbar spared Blackburn. 37 year old Premiership legend Robert Pires made a welcome return for Aston Villa, showing he still has the guile but no longer the legs. El-Hadji Diouf had a couple of excellent opportunities, but saw Richard Dunne make a superb tackle, and somehow nod a simple header over the crossbar, to leave the score at 2-0, as Gerard Houllier ponders how he can make his side more clinical, and not rely solely on pacy counter-attacks, but actually seizing the initiative sometimes.

Sunderland came close to building on their fabulous Stamford Bridge win, but were denied late on by a deflected Arteta equaliser. Everton had taken the lead in the 5^th minute, when Pienaar and Baines combined down the left, with Baines delivering for Cahill to do what he does best: plant a header into the net. Sunderland lined up without the explosive Asamoah Gyan available, so it was the returning Darren Bent alongside Danny Wellbeck, and it was the youngster who this time seized the headlines, first equalising and then putting the Mackems ahead with a looping header. Lee Cattermole and later Michael Turner were forced into last-ditch clearances for Sunderland, and both Wellbeck and Jermaine Beckford missed glaring opportunities at the end of the game, but in the end both managers admitted a draw was a decent result.

Until we meet again, keep it Premier.