Sunday 29 August 2010

A week for missed sitters and dismissed big-hitters

With the first bloody international break coming up already, the Premier League threw up a couple more pint-dropping results this weekend. Only Stoke and West Ham have lost all three opening games, and yet noone seemed to plump for Stoke as 'drop' candidates pre-season, perhaps because Ricardo Fuller and Mamady Sidibe were bound to intimidate the (trap)doormen.

Chelsea are navigating the fixture list from Heaven immaculately, though Stoke did put up sterner resistance than they managed at the tail-end of last season. You can imagine unusual betting patterns on a third 6-0 in 3 games, but Chelsea had to make do with just a third of those goals, though had Fun Time Frankie stuck his first-half penalty away rather than sliding it into penalty specialist Thomas Sorensen's grateful arms it may have turned into that kind of rout; the penalty being conceded from the kind of mindless Ryan Shawcross swipe that Capello was not seduced by in the summer. John Terry of all people proved he can do more than just get in the way of shots and sleep with other people's wives, when he was given the freedom of Stoke's half to stroll forward and stab a nice through ball to Florent Malouda, who finished with composite ease one-on-one. After Cashley Cole had belted the crossbar with a volley, Glenn Whelan did likewise with a brutal long-ranger, but the futile resistance was ended in the second half when Sorensen came second in a race to the ball, chopping down France's favourite son Nicholas Anelka for a penalty, which Didier Drogbarrr gratefully crashed in. 14 goals scored, none conceded for Chelski.

The result of the weekend was surely 2010's Kings of Unpredictability Wigan Athletic beating Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 at their own ground. The form guide was lovingly flushed down the crapper as the North West cannon-fodder finally scored a goal, and more staggeringly, kept a clean sheet, their first since about 2006. They had conceded 18 in their previous 3 league games, conceded 9 last time at the Lane, while Spurs had just launched a thousand joke-ships by humiliating Young Boys. But not even everyone's favourite chimpanzee-a-like Gareth Bale could lift a shocking Spurs team. Wigan were good value, with Hendry Thomas looking like a Premier League midfielder, and Emerson Boyce shoring up the backline. They may have thought their chance for victory had gone late on when Rodallega fired a deadly cross to Antonin Alcaraz, who contrived to knee the ball over with an open net gaping from four yards. Jordi Gomez missed another glorious chance before Tottenham took slackness to new levels, casually surrendering possession deep in their own half to Hendry Thomas, whose first time lofted ball over Spurs' defence was buried by Hugo Rodallega, past the utterly inept dive of forgotten man Carlo Cudicini. As a contrast, Wigan's new number one was outstanding. The Omanian Ali Al-Habsi from Bolton made a number of crucial saves, and earned his luck when his flap gave Younes Kaboul the chance to head wide of an open goal at the death. If there's one thing we've learnt from last season though, it's that Wigan will not win their next game!

Another shock result was Arsenal actually winning at Ewood Park! After an early goal-line clearance from Barcelona harlot Cesc Fibreglass set the tone for what we assumed would be a 'death from above' assault from Blackburn, Arsenal actually took the lead with a typical superbly engineered goal, Robin Van Persie stabbing sublimely between two defenders for the still-in-form Theo Walcott to actually break the net with a drive inside the far post.  What nobody was expecting was for Blackburn to get back in the game with a lovely footballing passage of play. Man-mountain Christopher Samba strode past a couple of Arsenal midfielders on the halfway line, before releasing El-Hadji Diouf to skin a flat-footed Vermaelen, and actually pick his head up from his bootlaces to slide across for his namesake Mame to notch. Rather than crumble, Arsenal decided to stay strong and work their way back into the game. Even Manuel (Almunia) decided to drop his Fawlty Towers routine and handle everything properly. When Bacary Lasagna fired in a low cross which Fibreglass drilled into Walcott, Andrei proved he doesn't need no Arshavin, as he was streamlined enough to arrive on cue to sweep home the rebound. As the game's embers faded, Blackburn decided to resort to lumping it into the box and collapsing theatrically, the most comical coming from Samba, whom you'd suspect you'd need a sledgehammer to take down.

Blackpool celebrated their very first game at the recently-developed Bloomfield Road with a draw against the usually lightweight travellers Fulham, despite having two goals disallowed. So we were treated to more skin-tight shirts by the seaside, with Fulham neat and tidy as ever, taking the lead with a classic cross and header from Bobby Zamora, despite a dubious challenge from Dembele in the build-up. It wasn't until the second half that the Tangerines had something to cheer, and it was magnificent in its execution, John Pantsil brilliantly finishing off the move he started by giving the ball away deep in his own half. Pantsil has often been derided by Fulham fans as their weak link, but it's hard to stay mad at the clumsy bugger for long. The goodwill was severely tested later though, when Pantsil played everyone onside for the culmination of a superb one and two-touch passing move between half of Blackpool's team; Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney finishing in the blink of an eye as the ball was laid through. Blackpool weren't to be triumphant though, as a lovely through-ball was lifted over the goalkeeper by the rampaging Dickson Etuhu for a late leveller.

Manchester United continued the task of clinging to Chelsea's coat-tails at this early stage with a convincing win over a dismal West Ham. A brilliant early Nani effort crashed against the bar, and from then on it was all one-way traffic. Former United player Jonathan Spector gave away a penalty for Wayne Rooney to finally break his duck since the end of last season, and Nani continued his masterclass, his mesmerising dribbling leaving Danny Gabbidon on his arse and the ball in West Ham's net. The ageless class of Giggs and Scholes was once again dictating the game, and a classic Berbatov swivel volley from a lofted Nani cross completed the victory, leaving West Ham rock bottom.

Bolton and Birmingham served up a tasty mid-table encounter, with Roger Johnson proving a pivotal figure, as he opened the scoring with a scrambled lunge, then got Bolton's Jussi Jaaskelainen red-carded  by striking the goalkeeper's glove with his chin. When a dubious offside call led to Birmingham's second from Craig Gardner, it looked like lacey blue curtains for Bolton, but inexplicably they roared back into the game. Kevin Davies did his familiar trick of backing into defenders, while Johnson's arm first leaned on Davies, then handled the ball on his way down. Probably a worthy penalty, which Davies himself slid into the top corner. There was still time for classy veteran Robbie Blake to come on and prove his worth with a majestic free-kick, which Ben Foster completely misjudged.

In the Black Country, Newcastle were forced to change from their black-and-white stripes to....all-white. Quite how this constitutes an away kit, nor how black-and-white clashes with gold, remains to be seen. Two teams renowned for their robust approach proceeded to be very robust, with serial sinner and former moustache devotee Joey Barton clattered more than a few times, while Sylvain Ebanks-Blake clattered the post with a header. He soon made amends though when he superbly controlled a Van Damme cross with the outside of his boot, before cracking the ball home. Newcastle held their nerve to equalise in the second half, a Barton free-kick guided in at the near post by the head of Andy Carroll. There was an interesting penalty claim denied from a foul on Matt Jarvis, though the fact he had punted the ball practically out of play before he went down probably counted against him.

How Everton failed to beat Villa is beyond most people who saw the onslaught, but the truth is that only Villa found the killer instinct when it mattered. Luke Young flicked a hopeful pass forward which Marouane Fellaini made a dog's breakfast of, then raced forward to receive a lovely weighted return from namesake Ashley, coaxing the ball home without breaking his stride. Though Everton could not break Friedel's line of resistance, a huge positive could be gleamed from the performance of Seamus Coleman, who looks a class act on the right hand side.

Merseyside neighbours Liverpool were on the better end of a 1-0 scoreline at Anfield. Despite looking very much like a team in transition, Liverpool ground down a decent West Brom side through a crisp Fernando Torres volley just after the hour, the striker finally shrugging off his own Samson effect. Portuguese midfielder Raul Meireles was unveiled before kick-off, filling the fans with renewed optimism that they can effectively plug the gap left by toothy Argentine Javier Mascherano's transfer to the Barcelona substitute's bench. James Morrison was sent off for two bookable offences late on to remove any vestige of a Baggies boingback.

And the final shock of the weekend came from an unpredictable Sunderland, who beat championship pretenders Mancitti with an injury-time penalty at the Stadium of Light. The story of the game came perhaps after 16 minutes, when Yaya Toure strode through the feeble Sunderland masses to leave a three-on-one situation, before squaring to leave top scorer Carlos Tevez with an open net, though the Argentine striker clearly thought he still had a keeper to chip, clearing the net completely to leave the ground agape. Sunderland clearly learned their lesson as they became far more solid from then on, beside the odd miskick from good old Titus. Yaya Toure missed a sitter himself when he dithered over a one-on-one, and Sunderland goalkeeper Simon Mignolet made a magnificent reflex save from a point-blank Adebayor flick, before a cross at the death saw Micah Richards falling on top of Darren Bent to earn a last gasp penalty, which Bent drilled under the dive of the unfortunate Joe Hart.


Wake me up when September's here!

Monday 23 August 2010

Monday bloody Monday

So, what did we learn from the Monday night big match?

Well, we learnt Sheikh Mansour looks very young and far too wealthy. We learnt that Joe Hart is the most gifted goalkeeper in the Premiership. We learnt that Roberto Mancini has made all the right calls so far. We learnt that you don't need a creative central midfielder when you have two penetrating wingers.
And we learnt that without Joe Cole, Liverpool still look very much like the squad that finished 7th last season.

Credit has to go to Roy Hodgson for being much more positive than his predecessor with a 4-4-2 formation, away from home against a top five rival, but on this display it will be some time before they learn to cast off the shackles of Benitez's rigid tactical ploys. City got on top, and who else but James Milner rampaged into the box to set up former Villa team-mate Gareth Barry for a well-worked opener.

Steven Gerrard was uncharacteristically slapdash with his shooting, and Torres continued to display the 'Samson effect', before the second half saw City grab a scrambled second, Richards' header being swung at and missed by Tevez; squirming between Reina's legs on the line. Adam Johnson and Milner were ripping Glen Johnson and Agger apart time and again, and it was no surprise when Adam Johnson careered into the box, only to be scythed down by a brainless lunge from Martin Skrtel. A definite penalty, but Johnson won no friends by waving an imaginary card at Phil Dowd, who is usually the last referee to be influenced by players. Hopefully we can just put it down to the impetuousness of youth rather than a long-term gamesmanship mentality.

Fortunately for Liverpool the deficit never moved into 4 goals, by which time it is generally accepted as a thrashing. Early days, but Roy Hodgson has a big job on his hands, while Mancini's apparently negative tactics are reaping rich rewards. Only time will tell us if these early signs are indicative of the season's story.

Sunday 22 August 2010

The Joy of Six

It's raining goals so early in the Premiership, the exact opposite of the World Cup. Surely this is the first weekend when three separate results have ended 6-0.

On a high from the opening day demolition of Wigan, Blackpool surely would have expected a battering at the Emirates, though it was helped no doubt by the sending off of Ian Evatt in the first half for a professional foul on Marouane Chamakh. This effectively ended the game as a contest and turned it into a training game for the Gunners. Blackpool lined up with a fluid 5-man midfield, yet the only thing fluid about their team was players pissing their pants every time an Arsenal player approached their box. Chamakh should have had a double hat-trick, missing an absolute sitter before finally scoring, and Theo Walcott had his one superb game for the season early on, claiming the match ball for himself.

Speaking of Blackpool's earlier victims, many people assumed Wigan would be cannon fodder for a Chelsea team whose previous result had been 6-0, and previous, very recent result against Wigan was 8-0. A lot of people forgot that Wigan had actually comfortably beaten Chelsea at home last season, but this was a far different Wigan. Deprived of some cornerstones of last season's survival: Titus Bramble, Paul Scharner and Mario Melchiot, their first half-hour was full of endeavour and toothless attacks, before they succumbed to a sucker punch of a Malouda goal before half time. After this, Wigan became the requisite cannon fodder, leaving gaping holes at the back, in midfield and up front. New striker Mauro Boselli thought he had claimed a goal, but, alas, he was offside, leaving Wigan rock-bottom, having conceded 10 and scored none from two home games.

And the final of the triumvirate of six-goal hidings was not predictable in the slightest. Newly promoted and maligned Newcastle, with their unproven Premiership former stand-in manager Chris Hughton, took on Aston Villa, with their own unproven stand-in Kevin MacDonald in charge. Newcastle were beaten comfortably 3-0 by Manchester United in the opening weekend, whilst Villa themselves had comfortably beaten fellow clarets West Ham United 3-0, so the form book suggested a tough task to get any result for Newcastle, despite home advantage. But of course, the Premier League throws up many baffling results, and for a newly-promoted and apparently past-it Newcastle side to slaughter a side whose reserve team got a draw in Europe in the week is infuriatingly incomprehensible. St James' Park could hardly believe their eyes as Andy Carroll continued to enhance his reputation as the new Duncan Ferguson with a hat-trick, while grafter Kevin Nolan got a brace to suggest there's life in these old dogs yet, after Carew had cleared the stands with a penalty and moustachioed midfielder Joey Barton had opened the scoring. Where now for Villa though?


Everyone's favourite incredible hulks Stoke City could not bundle their way to victory against a Spurs side with a new steely resolve, even away from home against muscular opponents. Gareth Bale scored a brilliantly diverse brace, the first hitting him in the face, the second a volley sent from heaven, lifting his left peg to neck height before wrapping his boot around it deliciously, sending it air-freight into the postage stamp. Stoke complained vociferously about a late chance being clearly over the goal-line before Crouch kneeled to thrust it away, conveniently forgetting that Robert Huth had barged Heurelho Gomes into the net beforehand.

Avram 'Donkey Kong' Grant must be throwing barrels in disgust at his West Ham side, pointless with Manchester United and Chelsea up next. They were architects of their own downfall somewhat, Carlton Cole buggering up a first half penalty before Matthew Upson put his head where Kevin Davies' boots where flying and soon wished he hadn't, being injured and scoring a comical own goal. Last season's donkey Johan Elmander bagged a couple of poacher's strikes, while Mark Noble showed Cole how it was done, to no avail. Still remains to be seen whether Owen Coyle is actually evolving Bolton's agricultural style much.

Speaking of primitive tactics, the Crown Prince of percentage play was a tad miffed that his Blackburn side lost to a rugged Birmingham, chiefly thanks to a nice double from former Villan Craig Gardner, and a superb penalty save from on-loan goalkeeper Ben Foster. The penalty was given away by Gareth Barry's Serbian cousin Nicola Zigic, who looked bemused that shirt-pulling is illegal in England. Blackburn's goal came, typically, from a messy corner from Zigic's fellow beanpole Stephen N'Zonzi, with some nice blocking of the goalkeeper implemented by Allardyce's cloggers.

West Bromwich Albion were pretty chuffed that they signed new striker Peter Odemwingie in time for their match against Sunderland, for he scored the winner nine minutes from time. Chris Brunt crashed a shot against the crossbar just after, while Sunderland offered very little, Jekyll and Hyde as always.

Everton continued their perennial unconvincing start with a 1-1 draw against an improved Wolves. Both goals were cloaked in controversy, the first from Cahill coming from a free-kick which should have been a penalty, the equaliser from Ebanks-Blake followed a dubious challenge on the halfway line. Jermaine Beckford looks as if he has a lot to learn at this level, while Everton must be grateful that possible England selection Mikel Arteta has hit form again.

Manchester United gave ground to Chelsea early on following a disappointing draw with Fulham. It shows how far they have come in recent seasons that Fulham no longer possess an inferiority complex, and even top teams consider a point at Craven Cottage a decent result these days. It was a day for the ladies down by the Thames, as Fulham players seemed to be having their own wet t-shirt contest. Ginger master Paul Scholes drove a consummate missile into the bottom corner for the opener, and United required an outstanding double-save from former Fulham stalwart Edwin Van Der Sar to keep the lead, but when Fulham worked their way back into the game in the second half they carved open the Red Devils with a lovely exchange between Duff and Zamora down the right wing, resulting in Simon Davies stabbing the pull-back in. In the absence of Wayne Rooney, last season's prolific scorer Own Goals got in on the act in the later stages, with man of the match man mountain Brede Hangeland unknowingly diverting a corner into the net. Minutes after this, Damien Duff produced a moment of majestic incompetence, swivelling to spoon the ball against his own arm, though a penalty was outrageously harsh. Fulham will see justice as being done when a nonchalant Nani saw his kick saved by Stockdale, and Hangeland charged upfield like an action hero to redeem his folly, battering in a glorious header to steal a draw before the final curtain fell.

Another fascinating week in the Premier League gone, and looking forward to a decent-looking Liverpool take on an unpredictable Man City for a top-four grudge match.


Until next week my affectionate afficianados...

Sunday 15 August 2010

Goodbye World Cup, hello Premier League! After the greatest show on Earth proved to be a huge disappointment and unmitigated disaster for England, every jaded football fan breathed a deep sigh of relief at the return of that maginificent monopoly money soap opera that is the English Premier League.

How would Double Winners Chelsea react to their damp squib of a pre-season? The answer was in the style of the end of last season by destroying perennial  hands-up-trousers-down cannon fodder West Bromwich Albion. Even returning hero Roberto Di Matteo could not prevent an annihilation, with equine battering ram Didier Drogba in predictably muscular and prolific form. It's good to see West Brom stick two fingers up to critics who suggested they had to stop standing yards off of superior opponents, and they have even added a new tactical weapon to their armoury: the perforated wall. Meanwhile Scott Carson reminded us why he will never get near the England team again.

As did Chris Kirkland, who must be very concerned he will be playing in the Championship next season, along with the rest of Wigan's shambles of a team. This is a tragic indication for those of us who were delighted with Wigan's colourful contributions to the Premier League last season: Paul Scharner's black/white halved hair; Figueroa's halfway line spectacular; James McCarthy's inexplicable own goal, Dave Whelan's foot-in-mouth outbursts; conceding eight and nine goals in separate games; and the most magnificent flourescent away strip. Judging by their utter ineptitude in being thrashed at home by newly promoted relegation favourites Blackpool, Wigan are heading for a worse points total than their 36 last season, a total that in most seasons would have seen them go down. It seems like selling captain Scharner, as well as the much maligned but influential duo Heskey and Bramble, may cost Wigan the ultimate prize of their place at the top table, as they seem to possess a lightweight attack while treating defending as an optional extra. Adulation to Blackpool though, and credit to Ollie for signing the clearly hungry powerhouse Marlon 'pinhead' Harewood, who will give them a much-needed goal threat.

At moneybags Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, henceforth known as Mancitti, broke Given's heart when Hart was given the goalkeeper's slot at White Hart Lane. Hart responded with a virtuoso display, along with Kompany and De Jong particularly, as City proved that Italians always get the defensive aspects right. Tottenham must have been gutted to come out with just a draw that they may live to regret later in the season.

Villa proved there is life after O'Neill, as James Milner, who must be slightly proud at being responsible for both Kevin Keegan and Smartin' Martin walking out at his sale, did his talking on the pitch. Robert Green proved once again how baffling it is that Capello chose him in the top three goalkeepers in the country, and Avram Grant did little to dispel his doubters, as West Ham continued where they left off last season, leaving the first round Premiership bottom three as the three Ws: West Ham, Wigan and West Brom.

David Jones lit up Molineux with a free-kick right out of the Le Tissier playbook, while Mick McCarthy must be chuffed at the shrewdness of signing Burnley's best player Steven Fletcher, who also scored. Tony Pulis meanwhile was left ruing spending £8 million on a player who may be injured for a considerable time, though it does get a bit tiresome for Stoke to continue bulking their squad up with brawn. But then Pulis may have surrendered the notion of expanding their approach for the certainty that lumping it up and loading the box with big men lends you. Artistry costs more than Stoke are willing to pay apparently. You accept it in a team's first and even second consolidation seasons, but after this you have to question why the Premier League is home to a team that noone outside of their own fans would pay to watch.

Speaking of the unpleasant side of the game, it's not very often i disagree with Steve Bruce, but to blame the referee for clog merchant Lee Cattermole's dismissal was uncalled for. The two cautions, for a cynical shirt tug and a ridiculous kick through the back of former hellraiser Lee Bowyer, were more than justified. The game itself was notable for some excellent approach play from Fraizer Campbell, an hilarious own goal from the always hard-done-by-expressioned head of Stephen Carr, and some diabolically scrappy goals from both sides in an ugly 2-2 draw. Sunderland set a new record for red cards last season, and they appear to be attempting to reach for new heights.

Always up there with the ugliest teams, Blackburn managed to prise a great victory away from notorious slow-starters Everton, who got what they deserved for having a blancmange as a kit, while Mark Hughes would have been relieved to see reserve goalkeeper David Stockdale pull off a great performance, suggesting there may be life after Mark Schwarzer.

Looking forward to the newly-optimistic Liverpool take on the incessantly-if-tentatively-optimistic Arsenal later, and Manchester United determine what Chris Hughton is like as a Premier League manager. Can Newcastle survive adapting their Championship long-ball style to something more cultured, or will it be 'do what it takes' for the Geordies?

Until next week my friends.

Aa.