It's raining goals so early in the Premiership, the exact opposite of the World Cup. Surely this is the first weekend when three separate results have ended 6-0.
On a high from the opening day demolition of Wigan, Blackpool surely would have expected a battering at the Emirates, though it was helped no doubt by the sending off of Ian Evatt in the first half for a professional foul on Marouane Chamakh. This effectively ended the game as a contest and turned it into a training game for the Gunners. Blackpool lined up with a fluid 5-man midfield, yet the only thing fluid about their team was players pissing their pants every time an Arsenal player approached their box. Chamakh should have had a double hat-trick, missing an absolute sitter before finally scoring, and Theo Walcott had his one superb game for the season early on, claiming the match ball for himself.
Speaking of Blackpool's earlier victims, many people assumed Wigan would be cannon fodder for a Chelsea team whose previous result had been 6-0, and previous, very recent result against Wigan was 8-0. A lot of people forgot that Wigan had actually comfortably beaten Chelsea at home last season, but this was a far different Wigan. Deprived of some cornerstones of last season's survival: Titus Bramble, Paul Scharner and Mario Melchiot, their first half-hour was full of endeavour and toothless attacks, before they succumbed to a sucker punch of a Malouda goal before half time. After this, Wigan became the requisite cannon fodder, leaving gaping holes at the back, in midfield and up front. New striker Mauro Boselli thought he had claimed a goal, but, alas, he was offside, leaving Wigan rock-bottom, having conceded 10 and scored none from two home games.
And the final of the triumvirate of six-goal hidings was not predictable in the slightest. Newly promoted and maligned Newcastle, with their unproven Premiership former stand-in manager Chris Hughton, took on Aston Villa, with their own unproven stand-in Kevin MacDonald in charge. Newcastle were beaten comfortably 3-0 by Manchester United in the opening weekend, whilst Villa themselves had comfortably beaten fellow clarets West Ham United 3-0, so the form book suggested a tough task to get any result for Newcastle, despite home advantage. But of course, the Premier League throws up many baffling results, and for a newly-promoted and apparently past-it Newcastle side to slaughter a side whose reserve team got a draw in Europe in the week is infuriatingly incomprehensible. St James' Park could hardly believe their eyes as Andy Carroll continued to enhance his reputation as the new Duncan Ferguson with a hat-trick, while grafter Kevin Nolan got a brace to suggest there's life in these old dogs yet, after Carew had cleared the stands with a penalty and moustachioed midfielder Joey Barton had opened the scoring. Where now for Villa though?
Everyone's favourite incredible hulks Stoke City could not bundle their way to victory against a Spurs side with a new steely resolve, even away from home against muscular opponents. Gareth Bale scored a brilliantly diverse brace, the first hitting him in the face, the second a volley sent from heaven, lifting his left peg to neck height before wrapping his boot around it deliciously, sending it air-freight into the postage stamp. Stoke complained vociferously about a late chance being clearly over the goal-line before Crouch kneeled to thrust it away, conveniently forgetting that Robert Huth had barged Heurelho Gomes into the net beforehand.
Avram 'Donkey Kong' Grant must be throwing barrels in disgust at his West Ham side, pointless with Manchester United and Chelsea up next. They were architects of their own downfall somewhat, Carlton Cole buggering up a first half penalty before Matthew Upson put his head where Kevin Davies' boots where flying and soon wished he hadn't, being injured and scoring a comical own goal. Last season's donkey Johan Elmander bagged a couple of poacher's strikes, while Mark Noble showed Cole how it was done, to no avail. Still remains to be seen whether Owen Coyle is actually evolving Bolton's agricultural style much.
Speaking of primitive tactics, the Crown Prince of percentage play was a tad miffed that his Blackburn side lost to a rugged Birmingham, chiefly thanks to a nice double from former Villan Craig Gardner, and a superb penalty save from on-loan goalkeeper Ben Foster. The penalty was given away by Gareth Barry's Serbian cousin Nicola Zigic, who looked bemused that shirt-pulling is illegal in England. Blackburn's goal came, typically, from a messy corner from Zigic's fellow beanpole Stephen N'Zonzi, with some nice blocking of the goalkeeper implemented by Allardyce's cloggers.
West Bromwich Albion were pretty chuffed that they signed new striker Peter Odemwingie in time for their match against Sunderland, for he scored the winner nine minutes from time. Chris Brunt crashed a shot against the crossbar just after, while Sunderland offered very little, Jekyll and Hyde as always.
Everton continued their perennial unconvincing start with a 1-1 draw against an improved Wolves. Both goals were cloaked in controversy, the first from Cahill coming from a free-kick which should have been a penalty, the equaliser from Ebanks-Blake followed a dubious challenge on the halfway line. Jermaine Beckford looks as if he has a lot to learn at this level, while Everton must be grateful that possible England selection Mikel Arteta has hit form again.
Manchester United gave ground to Chelsea early on following a disappointing draw with Fulham. It shows how far they have come in recent seasons that Fulham no longer possess an inferiority complex, and even top teams consider a point at Craven Cottage a decent result these days. It was a day for the ladies down by the Thames, as Fulham players seemed to be having their own wet t-shirt contest. Ginger master Paul Scholes drove a consummate missile into the bottom corner for the opener, and United required an outstanding double-save from former Fulham stalwart Edwin Van Der Sar to keep the lead, but when Fulham worked their way back into the game in the second half they carved open the Red Devils with a lovely exchange between Duff and Zamora down the right wing, resulting in Simon Davies stabbing the pull-back in. In the absence of Wayne Rooney, last season's prolific scorer Own Goals got in on the act in the later stages, with man of the match man mountain Brede Hangeland unknowingly diverting a corner into the net. Minutes after this, Damien Duff produced a moment of majestic incompetence, swivelling to spoon the ball against his own arm, though a penalty was outrageously harsh. Fulham will see justice as being done when a nonchalant Nani saw his kick saved by Stockdale, and Hangeland charged upfield like an action hero to redeem his folly, battering in a glorious header to steal a draw before the final curtain fell.
Another fascinating week in the Premier League gone, and looking forward to a decent-looking Liverpool take on an unpredictable Man City for a top-four grudge match.
Until next week my affectionate afficianados...
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