Argie bargie leads the chargie at Eastlands

And then there were two. Unbeaten teams that is, on another weekend of high drama and farce in the Premier League. Chelsea failed their first real test of the season, while Arsenal proved the critics who suggested they needed Mark Schwarzer right once more. West Ham finally picked up an unlikely win, leaving the slowest of starters Everton rock bottom.

Manchester United preserved their unbeaten record, but will be less-than-impressed that they have already squandered six points away from home, though these days Bolton are a more imaginative threat than they were under Allardyce’s or Megson’s stewardship. The Trotters turned it on in front of their own fans, and a Bulgarian was the name on everyone’s lips, though not derby hat-trick hero Berbatov but forgotten winger Martin Petrov. His early corner was nodded home by Zat Knight, with Patrice Evra copying Paul Konchesky last week by deserting his post, when staying put would have meant an easy clearance. The returning Jaaskelainen pulled off good close-range saves from Giggs and Fletcher before a typical Kevin Davies flick was lunged at and missed by Johan Elmander, with Van Der Sar reading it adroitly. United seemed to be carelessly giving away possession, but could relax when Nani did his accurate impersonation of Cristiano Ronaldo; picking the ball up on the halfway line and motoring past four players with the greatest of ease, squeezing a perfect finish away just as he was scythed down on the edge of the box.

Federicho Macheda came on for United in the second half, and a lovely interchange of passes and flicks between him and Berbatov led to another decent chance saved, but Bolton then took the lead, after Petrov started and finished a move which went through Chung-Yong Lee and Elmander before finding him in the box, cutting inside and launching a right-footed effort heavily deflected past the prone Van Der Sar. Johan Elmander wriggled through and blazed over a glorious chance, and it looked as if Bolton may kill the game off, before perennial substitute Michael Owen stepped up to a Nani free-kick and flicked a back-header in off the post, for his 200^th goal in English football. Nani cut inside Lee and cracked a chance just wide, and Elmander missed another great chance to consign the game to a frustrating draw.

After five comfortable fixtures, Chelsea’s first difficult game pitted them against title pretenders Mancitti at Eastlands. Boasting a treatment table filled with defenders, Roberto Mancini underpinned his midfield with stoppers Yaya Toure, Gareth Barry and Nigel De Jong, despite being at home. This led to most of the first period being yawn-inducing. Alex nodded back a deep cross for Branislav Ivanovic to hit the crossbar, while James Milner fired in a low cross which John Terry cleared deep into own-goal territory. The half ended with defences very much on top.

Joe Hart saved well from Anelka, and Essien headed a corner well over in the second period, unable to repeat his performance from a couple of weeks back. City hit back with De Jong feeding David Silva who smartly turned and forced a save at Cech’s near post. Just before the hour mark the breakthrough came. James Milner snapped into new Chelsea signing Ramirez and Yaya Toure took up the slack, feeding Tevez on halfway, who advanced with intent. Silva made a vital decoy run to draw John Terry away, and Cashley Cole backed off and off until Tevez shifted the ball outside on the edge of the 18, forcing him to lunge to block. The shot flew through his legs and bounced in off the far post for a brilliant goal. Chelsea battled to force a way back, but more often than not found their route blocked by the titanic Vincent Kompany, who didn’t put a foot wrong. When Yuri Zhirkov was clattered by Boyata, Alex made a mess of a great chance from the free-kick, while a tame Essien long-ranger was comfortably dealt with. Eyebrows were raised as Didier Drogba came off on 75 minutes, the bemused reaction of the Chelsea fans somewhat drowned out by the cacophony of boos for Mancitti old boy Daniel Sturridge.

This result left Arsenal rubbing their hands together at the prospect of clawing back some of the points deficit, but their unbeaten run was about to be dismantled too. If you’d have asked a thousand people, you’d have struggled to find one person to bet on West Brom taking a 3-0 lead at the Emirates, but that is exactly what transpired. It seems that without the dynamism of Walcott, the left foot of Van Persie, the leadership of Vermaelen and the craft and general brilliance of Fabregas, this Arsenal team is a rudderless ship. Though you always have a chance with players like Andrei Arshavin, who dived in to squeeze a cross against the post, then stab the rebound against the same post. Signing of the season so far Peter Odemwingie also hit the outside of the post via the hand of Almunia to display West Brom’s attacking intentions, and when that same man bolted onto an excellent Chris Brunt through-ball, he was toppled by Almunia. Chris Brunt then found Almunia to be more resilient than usual in saving his placed penalty. Anyone who thought this was the signal for Arsenal to wake up at half time was shaken by the sight of the Baggies breaking their resistance on 50 minutes. Former Arsenal man Jerome Thomas had proved a constant thorn in their side, and it was he who brilliantly beat Baccary Sagna right on the touchline, before firing in a low cross which Odemwingie superbly adjusted to in opening the scoring. West Brom then played Arsenal at their own game, Chris Brunt casually nutmegging the always-dozy Clichy with a back-heel on the right hand touchline to send Chilean Gonzalo Jara scampering away. As he got to the edge of the box he unleashed an effort at Amunia, who hung his head as he only managed to shovel the regulation save into the corner of the net.

There were more tricks from Jerome Thomas, who slid the ball through to Chris Brunt, sending him wide of goal. Almunia dashed out, but then inexplicably got cold feet and backed away, leaving Brunt with time and space to fire back across goal, where Thomas was waiting to cash in at the back post on 72 minutes. The game then become the Samir Nasri show, as the Frenchman took it by the scruff of the neck, first striking the crossbar with a great effort, before weaving like a figure skater between four players inside the box and scoring. The Baggies strapped on their tin hats and managed to hold out until injury time, when Nasri coolly finished a cool pass from Arshavin, but it proved too little too late for the hapless Gunners.

The Arsenal result left only two unbeaten teams in the Premiership, the second and more surprising being Mark Hughes’ Fulham, who are building on the great work done by Roy Hodgson, whilst Roy Hodgson is cursing the ‘work’ done by Rafael Benitez. Fulham-Everton was the most predictable nil-nil draw of the weekend. While ‘Everton’ and ‘clinical’ have not been bedfellows for some time, Fulham were without both Bobby Zamora and new star Moussa Dembele, victim of a Stoke injury time tackle described as ‘ridiculous’ by Mark Hughes.

Mikel Arteta forced Schwarzer into a fine fingertip save just before half-time, while in the second period Howard beat away a Dempsey effort. A tantalising Seamus Coleman cross was missed by everyone at the near post, and Yakubu contrived to miss a hat-trick of glorious chances, finding Schwarzer in unbeatable form. How Arsenal must rue their penny-pinching. The result left Fulham one of only two sides without a defeat, and Everton the only side without a victory.

West Ham, the other side who hadn’t won managed to finally win, with the most unlikely three points against a Spurs team usually packed with goals. The Hammers, spurred on (pun very much intended) no doubt by their midweek League Cup win, took the game to Tottenham, creating a few early chances before Rafael Van Der Vaart forced Green into action and fired just wide. Kieron Dyer made a rare appearance and was causing problems for a weakened Tottenham backline, missing lynchpins King, Woodgate and Dawson. He won the corner which Mark Noble delivered and reborn buffoon Frederic Piquionne scored with a looping header. Robert Green finally showed us why he is a Premier League goalkeeper with a magnificent hand to tip Luka Modric’s effort onto the crossbar, while Tom Huddlestone baffled everyone in the ground by rounding Green in the second half, only to lose his head and blaze into the stand when the goal was open and Crouch was waiting. Carlo Cudicini matched Green with a top corner save from a Mark Noble strike, and in the dying minutes Boa Morte was just shy of converting from a goalmouth scramble by some last ditch Spurs defending. The Hammers are restoring some East End pride it seems.

Stuart Attwell continued his love affair with tabloid injunction king Steven Gerrard at Anfield. The referee who missed Gerrard’s forearm smash on Michael Brown last season decided that sticking his elbow into Danny Wellbeck’s face was only worthy of a caution, perhaps followed by some wine and a movie. Gerrard, such an inspiration in seasons past, has recently plummeted in the eyes of non-Liverpool fans, following his attacking of a local DJ, getting away with on-pitch assaults time and again, and screwing up the morale in the England World Cup camp with his notorious tabloid injunction scandal, which may or may not have involved getting a 16 year-old family friend/relative pregnant. In contrast to his hero, Stuart Attwell’s fledgling career has only been defined by farce so far, and he continued in the same vein here. After awarding Sunderland a strange free-kick deep in their own half, he then ordered a retake, after he judged they had taken it in too advanced a position. Michael Turner responded by nudging it back to his goalkeeper, who seemed a bit lax in responding. After turning away, it was obvious to everyone in the ground that the ball was dead, but Fernando Torres responded by bursting through, hoping to convince everyone the ball was in fact live. He must have thought it was worth a potential yellow card to try his luck, and ninety-nine times out of a hundred he would have been booked for his cheek. But this time, despite Attwell not even watching until late, play was continued, with Dirk Kuyt netting past a furious Mignolet. Attwell looked like a rabbit in headlights at the deluge of protest from Sunderland players, and fleed to his assistant to ask if Steven preferred a Pinot Noir or a Merlot.

Liverpool before this had scored a disallowed goal through Torres, though the offside decision was borderline. Any injustice that Sunderland felt was almost relieved when Gerrard nodded a comically short header back to Reina for Bent to almost retrieve, and they indeed had a route back into the game when Poulsen couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Bent thrashed the penalty through Reina, and they went in at half-time level. The second half saw another awful Attwell decision, or non-decision, as Wellbeck surged through only to be bodychecked by Reina as he charged onto his heavy touch. No penalty. Sunderland again had the character to respond to this injustice a few moments later, when Nedim Onuoha sent in a divine cross for main man Darren Bent to bury with a diving header. Once again, Liverpool were rescued by that familiar double-act; Torres skinning Titus Bramble and crossing for Michael Turner to flick on for the onrushing Gerrard to nod in the equaliser. Liverpool piled on some late pressure, with Mignolet parrying an N’Gog effort back into the danger area with no punishment, Turner defending well from N’Gog, and a final incredible injury-time sitter miss from Daniel Agger leaving the score at two each.

The derby between the Lancashire Blacks, ‘pool and ‘burn ended, predictably with ‘burn landing a late sucker punch. An early Blackpool corner was headed towards goal by Ian Evatt, but veteran Michel Salgado nodded against his own bar to keep it out. On 20 minutes ‘pool captain Charlie Adam wished the ground would open up, after he casually nodded a backpass from a Diouf cross into his own net from far too close. A ‘burn free-kick was later flicked deftly against the post by Christopher Samba, and Gilks pulled off a good save from an Emerton chance. As the second half wore on, a lengthy run and great cross from El-Hadji Diouf produced a sparkling Gilks save from a Jones effort. Blackpool were swashbuckling in their attacks, and a low Campbell cross found Ormerod slightly too wide to convert. Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney set up Neal Eardley for a superb cross, which Charlie Adam, riding on the back of Salgado, somehow headed right across the face of goal from five yards, not as clinical at the opponents end apparently. Paul Robinson saved well from a Taylor-Fletcher curler, and Charlie Adam nearly made amends from a scramble, only to be thwarted by Robinson again. Matt Phillips came on for his Blackpool debut, and managed to score a lovely goal with his first touches to send the ‘pool fans into raptures on 84 minutes, but the delirium was quashed in injury time; a scramble seeing three last-ditch blocks falling to Emerton, who found a cool head amidst the madness to net. There was still time for one more chance. Unfortunately for the home faithful, it fell to Emerton again, whose shot was well saved.

The West Midlands derby saw another late winner, with Gerard Houllier saluting his new charges, though whether Stephen Warnock should have still been on the pitch to cross for the winner remains to be seen. He had already seen one yellow for a rash challenge on 18 minutes, and committed at least one other cautionable offence. One massive positive from the sale of James Milner has been the emergence of young winger Marc Albrighton, and he sent in a range of crosses in the first half, the best being around his man for Stewart Downing to convert at the far post. Both balding American goalkeepers had to be at their best, with Friedel saving from Fletcher and Doyle in the first half, Hahnemann having already denied Collins from an early corner.

The second half saw the Wolves tear into the Villans, with a game of head tennis seeing Friedel save from Berra, but he was left in no-man’s-land when a swinging Matt Jarvis centre was lunged at and missed by Edwards, leaving it to bounce into the corner of the Villa net. Wolves were good value for their equaliser, but seemed to lose momentum somewhat as time ticked by, a draw being a valuable result. They were made to pay when that man Warnock stood up a decent cross for Emile Heskey to power in a classic header for a glorious winner.

Unpredictable Newcastle lined up against a revitalised Stoke City at St James’ Park, looking to follow their excellent win at Goodison Park. Hatem Ben Arfa looked menacing, and Jose Enrique had sent in some noteworthy crosses from the left, and just before half-time one of these led to Robert Huth barging Andy Carroll over for a penalty which captain Kevin Nolan converted, though questions were asked when Joey Barton appeared to even more blatantly barge over Matthew Etherington in the opposite penalty area. Tony Pulis’ half-time bluster must have worked, for Stoke went for the throat in the second period. Kenwyne Jones woke up and nodded a header onto the post, then battered the bar with an even better one from Dean Whitehead’s free-kick. A bizarre injury to beefcake Ricardo Fuller broke up the West Indian front two, but Jones’ mission was complete when Huth nodded back a deep free-kick for the Trinidadian to find the unguarded net.

Andy Carroll missed a good chance, whilst young James Perch threatened late in the game. Despite both teams relying on big men up front, it was the more diminutive figure of Perch who bagged the winner, attempting a heroic intervention at a corner, only to see his splendid diving header find his own net. In the dying embers Newcastle attempted to salvage the game, with Nolan missing a fantastic chance, and a James Perch shot producing pinball in Stoke’s box, but it was the Potters who left with the points.

Wigan Athletic continue to astound with their newfound resilience, keeping a clean sheet at a ground Birmingham are now unbeaten at for a calendar year. Despite Alexander Hleb threatening to recapture his Arsenal form, the Latics held fast. The persistently booed Charles N’Zogbia nearly made the breakthrough, Roger Johnson once again tried to start a fight, this time with Rodallega, and Craig Gardner was harshly sent off for a mistimed lunge at Franco Di Santo, who had lost control of the ball. Other than that there wasn’t much to get excited about at St Andrews, besides Brum fans cheering their record and Wigan fans praising their apparently stouter defence.

Another weekend of thrills, spills and a few chills in the Barclays Premier League. Stay tuned my friends.

Derby redemption for a scorned hero

Another spectacular weekend ensued from the weird and wacky world of Premier League football, where the only predictable aspect was Chelsea destroying the opposition.

The two most successful teams in English football met in the grudge match to end all grudge matches on Sunday. Liverpool have proved unconvincing thus far, whilst United have proved unconvincing at holding onto leads. Most expected Liverpool to be very cautious and shut up shop, and United did seize the initiative in the first half with Nani very much at the forefront of the charge; wasting a gilt-edged chance from close-range when he misjudged the ball’s spin to screw wide, before thundering a blistering drive against Reina’s post. Besides these chances, United’s attacks were much of a muchness, when suddenly they took the lead just before half-time. With Fernando Torres trying to bear-hug the life out of Dimitar Berbatov, he stooped to nod into the near post, a post Paul Konchesky was deployed at, before moving behind his goalkeeper and half-heartedly handling the ball as it went in. The second half saw a minor Liverpool resistance, before the class of Berbatov pulled a rabbit out of the hat, one ‘hat trick’ before another, if you will. Controlling a Nani cross on his thigh, the Bulgarian hooked a leg over his head in a flash to send the ball crashing in off the crossbar.

At this stage Liverpool looked dead and buried, but within minutes the previously maligned and lacklustre Torres received the ball inside the box, where Jonny Evans made a catastrophic decision to slide in, was nutmegged and wiped out the Spaniard. Mr Tabloid Injunction netted his 15^th out of last 16 penalties for a Liverpool lifeline, and mere minutes later, United were suffering déjà vu at giving away a two-goal lead against a Merseyside club for the second time in a week. Torres crashed to the ground under minimal contact from John O’Shea, who was relieved to receive just a yellow card. The relief soon evaporated when Fletcher abdicated his wall duty, allowing Gerrard to plant the free-kick into an unguarded section of net. Liverpool appeared not to know whether to stick or twist, and as the clock ran down, they suffered again at the scimitar of Dimitar, guiding a header into the net for a glorious finale to a pulsating derby match.

The midlands derby in the Black Country saw most neutrals backing the resilience of an unbeaten Birmingham, who gave a debut to the most eyebrow-raising of the deadline day captures. If Belarussian star Alexander Hleb can rekindle his Arsenal form, then Birmingham may have the craft and guile they need to open up the Premiership’s stronger sides. The Baggies imposed their languid passing style on Birmingham early on, with Jerome Thomas weaving a route through to set up Nigerian striker Peter Odemwingie for an early range-finder. Despite starting stronger, West Brom found themselves a goal down at half-time; a deep Larsson cross was nodded back across goal for Cameron Jerome to poach. Paul Scharner was denied by a great save down low at the post by Foster, but Albion turned the game around with two examples of Birmingham ineptitude.

Almost from the kick-off for the second half, Jerome Thomas skinned Stephen Carr and drilled a low cross which Scott Dann, hustled by Odemwingie, turned into his own net. It got worse for Birmingham when Lee Bowyer shinned a perfect through-ball to Odemwingie, who slalomed around Foster with his first touch, and buried through a defender’s legs with his second. Bowyer then constructively channelled his frustration at leaving his studs in on Tamas, and McLeish took him off for his own good. On 69 minutes, Jonas Olsson climbed over Ridgewell to nod in a Chris Brunt corner, and the game was all sewn up for the Baggies.

Arsenal travelled to the Stadium of Light looking to keep pace with runaway leaders Chelski, on the back of their Champions League slaughtering of FC Braga in the week. Lee Cattermole was enjoying his second suspension of the season, but it was Anton Ferdinand who was the villain on unlucky 13 minutes, when his dithering clearance cannoned off Francesc Fabregas and over Mignolet’s bewildered head. Mignolet made a smart low save from Song before Fabregas again went off injured for Tomas Rosicky, though Wenger may have regretted his choice of substitute when he launched a penalty into the upper stand. Before this, Alexandre Song received his marching orders for two yellows, though he can count himself slightly unlucky as neither challenge was particularly heinous, nothing like the challenge from Bolton’s Paul Robinson that saw team-mate Abou Diaby carried off last week. As the game slipped away, Darren Bent missed a golden opportunity and you imagined it was curtains for Sunderland. But Steve Bruce’s charges are made of stern stuff these days, and as the allotted four minutes of stoppage time ticked by, the ball was launched into the box. Substitute Gyan made a nuisance of himself, Gael Clichy did his usual headless chicken impression and bladdered the ball against team-mate Laurent Koscielny, before Bent arrived to bury the loose ball for a priceless equaliser.

Tottenham lined up against a team they lost home and away to last season: Wolves. Could Spurs negotiate a tricky fixture after a draining Champions League game? The answer appeared to be yes as ‘Arry’s boys dominated early on; Marcus Hahnemann had to be on top form to deny Crouch and Van Der Vaart. Forgotten man Robbie Keane must be the one person chuffed at Jermain Defoe’s long-term lay-off, as he started his first game since anyone can remember, though he wasted a string of chances and was replaced late on. Kevin Foley bombed down Spurs’ left flank on the stroke of half-time, leaving Ledley King languishing as he fired a low cross for Stephen Fletcher to notch. Redknapp was forced into bringing on Alan Hutton for the injured Younes Kaboul, and then earned his corn with his other two substitutions. All three new players featured in Spurs’ comeback. When Ward scythed down the raiding Hutton, Van Der Vaart dispatched the penalty with 15 minutes to go, and with less than 5 minutes to go Tottenham were in front. Another substitute Aaron Lennon surged up the flank, and his cross was nodded down for Huddlestone to strike. After hitting a Wolves defender, the ball landed perfectly for substitute Roman Pavlyuchenko to caress into the net and celebrate accordingly. Spurs were playing with great freedom and Alan Hutton decided it was time to rampage forward again. His terrible one-two did not come off, but he bustled through and got his reward when Richard Stearman panicked and belted the ball against him and in for his first goal in English football.

At the foot of the table, West Ham United travelled to the Britannia Stadium for an early ‘six-pointer’. Both Avram Grant and his son Tal Ben-Haim were absent through the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur, and the Hammers appeared to shake things up in their absence by finally getting a point, though Robert Green added to his growing clanger reel with a fumble early on from a Pennant free-kick which led to Robert Huth hitting the outside of the post. On 32 minutes the West Ham end breathed a collective sigh of relief as a free-kick was bundled in by talisman Scott Parker, after Rory Delap had belted the ball against Ryan Shawcross. Anyone who remembers Frederic Piquionne hitting the crossbar from two yards last weekend would have been impressed to see him rattle it from at least ten times that distance before the half was out, but it didn’t take long in the second period for Stoke to draw level, the unusually vibrant and focussed Pennant scampering down the line and standing up perfectly for Kenwyne Jones to send the ball and Da Costa into the net. Later on, the World Cup hangover continued for Matthew Upson, who was easily barged aside by Jones, whose close-range drive was brilliantly fingertipped onto the post by fellow World Cup joke Robert Green. A series of delightful one-twos on the edge of the Stoke box were not capitalised on by West Ham’s Obinna, and Sorensen made a fine late save from Da Costa. Stoke will consider themselves unfortunate after Ricardo Fuller nodded into the ground, only to see the ball bounce unfeasibly high and again strike the crossbar. Ryan Shawcross, who had already been smacked with the ball by his own player, was sent sprawling when Green launched a clearance into the back of his head. Shawcross was crying again bless him, this time fortunately not after breaking someone’s leg.

It was a case of ‘after the Lord Mayor’s show’ for Everton, who followed their glorious comeback against Man Utd with a dismal home performance and defeat to newly promoted Newcastle. Chris Hughton is looking more like a Premiership manager by the week, with the way his teams respond to adversity. After a bad defeat to Blackpool, Newcastle came out snarling. A Joey Barton free-kick was turned away by Howard, before a Nolan cross was deflected goalward by Heitinga and smartly tipped over by the American. On 34 minutes, Newcastle lost their goalkeeper, upended in a 50-50 with Jermaine Beckford, and young Tim Krul came on. The new ‘keeper almost immediately was forced into a save from Osman, and Everton must have thought they had a good chance of a half-time lead, but it was Newcastle who took the lead, when new loan signing Hatem Ben Arfa feinted past a static Heitinga and cracked a thunderbolt into the far corner of Everton’s net.

The second half saw Maraouane Fellaini get a touch ‘fouly’, decking Mike Williamson and getting away with it. Fellaini’s reputation for wayward elbows refuses to go away. A staggering refereeing decision denied Newcastle a blatant penalty, when Nolan steadied himself in the box and swung to shoot, only for young Seamus Coleman to slide in, taking out Nolan before belatedly getting a touch on the ball. As the game slipped away, a deft pivot from Yakubu led to him hitting the post, but Krul grasped the loose ball adeptly. The final say of the match went to Newcastle’s villain Fellaini, who became Everton’s villain by somehow flicking a Leighton Baines cross wide from 5 yards with the goal at his mercy.

Everyone’s favourite excuse-maker Gerard Houllier was present at Villa Park to witness his new charges, not quite under his authority yet. Villa were looking to arrest a recent slide, particularly with Stephen Ireland back in their line-up, while Bolton were without the influential Jaaskelainen and Cahill. It didn’t look good on 12 minutes, when Fabrice Muamba conceded a free-kick just outside the box, which Ashley Young gleefully dispatched into the corner past Bogdan, but before half-time Bulgarian winger Martin Petrov had knocked back a deep Holden cross for Kevin Davies to control and swivel; firing into the roof of the net.

Stephen Ireland coaxed an effort just past the post and Downing found Bogdan immovable in the second period. At the other end, Petrov and Holden went close before Friedel pulled off a superb low save from a Matt Taylor free-kick, similar to the one Bogdan conceded in the first half. Overall, you would suspect Coyle would be happier than Houllier.

Mark Hughes returned to one of his old stomping grounds as away-day failures Fulham took on Blackburn. The game was given an hilarious extra edge by Sam Allardyce’s typically ridiculous pre-match comments that he should be managing a ‘team like Real Madrid’. Big Sam based this assessment, and the suggestion that he should be compared on equal terms with Arsene Wenger, on the basis that he employs a lot of sports scientists and nutritionists and pores through stats a lot. Which is a bit like bemoaning the fact you can’t get a date despite your mum saying you’re handsome. Big Sam never seems to grasp the concept that it’s actually a lot more challenging to play expansive football than lump it up to a big man and play on knock-downs.

What is always intriguing in Blackburn games is to guess whether Big Sam gives El-Hadji Diouf specific new methods of cheating, or whether he just tells him to ‘be creative’. Whatever it was, Diouf deployed it at Ewood Park, and somehow Mr Young the referee failed to spot the incredible acts of shameless cheating, as Diouf took his eyes away from play and deliberately charged Mark Schwarzer to the ground twice, the second time leading to a goal from giant defender Christopher Samba directly from a Paul Robinson mule kick. How the referee failed to spot these infringements beggars belief, but the crowd were used to this by the time, as he was one of the only people in the stadium not to see Mark Schwarzer handle outside the box early on. An interesting debutante was Mexican World Cup starlet Carlos Salcido at left-back as replacement for Paul Konchesky, and, after some typical surges, Salcido set up the equaliser with a dinked cross for Clint Dempsey in the second half. Despite the goal against, Fulham will be glad Schwarzer was not sent off, and that they got a useful and rare away point without talisman Bobby Zamora.

Chelski annihilated Blackpool, to the surprise of nobody. Most would have bet on Chelski scoring inside a minute, but it took just over a minute for Kalou to sweep in a corner. By the time Didier Drogba rampaged through to slide a low cross to Malouda for 2-0, the Stamford Bridge crowd had ordered their prawn sandwiches and the Tangerines had resigned themselves to heavy defeat. Baptiste drew a decent save from Cech in a token first half gesture, before Drogba swivelled to fire in a deflected third and Kalou crossed for Malouda to net his second with a fine drive. Cashley was flying, and Chelski contrived to miss enough chances to win ten games before the end of the most one-sided half you will ever see. The fact that Bet365 offered just 40-1 on Chelsea to win 10-0 summed up the first period.

To Blackpool’s credit, they came out with renewed vigour, possibly orchestrated by Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney. After DJ Campbell had sprung the blue offside trap and slid past the goalkeeper, it was up to Ivanovic to clear off the line. Gary Taylor-Fletcher forced an outstanding tip-over from Cech the Czech, and Marlon Harewood got the away fans cheering when he battered an effort into the side netting. But at the other end Chelsea were throwing in the party tricks, Drogba was profligate and pulling funny faces, while Chelsea were denied a certain penalty by the final whistle. All-in-all, Blackpool will feel proud to have kept it to single figures.

God bless Wigan Athletic for making us all smile again. Mancitti did not even have to work hard to gain a comfortable victory, as Joe Hart’s goal kick was mis-headed in midfield by Diame, catching out both of his centre-backs, who seemed to think they had better things to do than track Carlos Tevez, who also had the luxury of Al-Habsi being ten yards off his line for an easy lob. Steve Gohouri then tricked even himself in the second half, disguising a back-pass brilliantly as a lay-off for Tevez, who should have scored. And for their next trick, Wigan decided to make it a group performance. First, a lame cross was comically nodded back into the danger zone by Maynor Figueroa. Then Gohouri appeared for an encore, completely failing at a clearing header. Eventually, the ball found Tevez on the right, who fired in a low cross which Gohouri then commanded to disappear with a gesture, only to see it continue to roll past him and right into the path of Yaya Toure, arriving to slam it into the net. Diame missed a late chance to salvage something, and Al-Habsi tipped a deflected Adam Johnson cross onto his crossbar.

Another weekend of merciless amusement in the Barclays Premiership, but whatever next?

Toffee salvage

After the usual flurry of last-minute panic-buying with suspiciously little money, the transfer window shut, and the international break was upon us. England pissed off the nation with two exemplary performances which made a mockery of their World Cup embarrassment. Wayne Rooney shrugged off the allegations he cheated on his pregnant wife with gangland prostitutes, while Steven Gerrard breathed a sigh of relief that the expensive tabloid injunction to prevent publication of his deplorable misdemeanours is still in place. You almost feel sorry for John Terry, whose similar actions cost him the England captaincy because apparently his tabloid injunction wasn't expensive enough. I said almost.

With all of that nonsense out of the way, the good old Premier League returned for another manic weekend of goals, cards and horrendous sitter misses. Man United tossed away another two away points, while Arsene Wenger missed out on Mark Schwarzer, meaning Chelsea may wrap up the title before the Christmas decorations come down. Blackpool proved excellent value for another superb away win, while most of the contenders for the top four drew.

An insane climax for those who declined the chance to miss the rush of outgoing traffic at Goodison Park, with Everton snatching a draw from the jaws of defeat in injury time. No Wayne Rooney meant no back-story, and the game began with Everton buzzing, but United soon had the upper hand. As they tried to force in a corner however, Tim Cahill bladdered a loose ball upfield over the last man, which, via a comical missed overhead clearance from Evra, found Arteta to shoot against the advancing Van Der Sar. The usually mercurial Paul Scholes, who had tracked back, completely failed to follow Steven Pienaar, who received a follow-up pass in yards of space to slide past the recovering United goalkeeper for the opener. Rather than turn the tide, this just inspired United, and in particular the previously-maligned Nani, who picked up the ball on the right wing, and with little thought delivered the most inch-perfect cross you will ever see to the oncoming boot of Darren Fletcher for the equaliser. There was time in the first half for Tim Howard to make two incredible reaction saves, but another divine ball between the posts, goalkeeper and defenders from Nani was plundered gratefully in the second half by Serbian destroyer Nemanja Vidic, and when Sylvain Distin followed Evra in misjudging a long ball, this time from Scholes, Dimitar Berbatov deployed his perfect first touch, before coaxing the ball in with the outside of his boot for 3-1. Even Everton seemed to think the game was over at this stage, with both Berbatov and Nani wasteful as the half progressed, though Van Der Sar proved he is still at the top of his game with a crucial close-range stop from a Leon Osman chance. As the ninety minutes ticked by, Everton found some decent possession and a great cross from the left wing, Cahill finally lost Vidic and scored his usual towering header. Normally an exciting consolation goal, Everton refused to be finished and managed to drive United deep into their own half straight away again. Another excellent cross into the danger zone, four players challenged and fell over, and as luck would have it the loose ball dropped invitingly for Arteta to fire a drive just wide...until it struck the elbow of the luckless Scholes and deflected in for the most unlikely of equalisers.

This early result meant that Arsenal were the only team who could make up ground on the leaders. Wenger had been uncharacteristically busy in the transfer market in the summer, but the one player they most needed, a world-class goalkeeper, did not arrive, and so history would tell us they will not win the title. It seems baffling considering Shay Given and more obviously Mark Schwarzer would seemingly have jumped at the chance to join them. Being overly frugal does not unfortunately win leagues. But Wenger had for once saw fit to reshape his shaky backline, buying Laurent Koscielny and Sebastian Squillaci to replace the outgoing Silvestre, Campbell and Gallas. Both of them appeared here, though Koscielny had the most mixed of afternoons, starting perfectly by bundling in the kind of scrambled goal you would normally associate with the visitors as Fabregas miscued a volley at the back post. Bolton had Hungarian youngster Adam Bogdan covering in goal for the suspended Jaaskelainen, and he made a cracking save from Marouane Chamakh, before Koscielny levelled up his opener with an appalling headed backpass, which proceeded to set South Korean trickster Chung Yong Lee gliding through, before standing up a perfect cross which Johan Elmander couldn't miss. Cesc Fabregas then repeated the trick for Arsenal in the second half, standing a cross up this time for Chamakh to demonstrate his aerial prowess for an Arsenal lead.
Unfortunately, the game was then deprived of any kind of spectacle by a shocking passage of decision-making by Stuart Attwell. Although only 27 years old, Attwell has already made quite a name for himself during his fledgling refereeing career. You may remember Attwell for the 'ghost goal' awarded to Reading against Watford when the ball was four yards wide, or his temporary blindness when Steven Gerrard landed a forearm smash on Portsmouth's Michael Brown last season. When the sprightly Lee once again worked himself into a great position, he was clearly tripped right on the edge of the Arsenal penalty. The only debate was whether to award a penalty or free-kick, but Attwell inexplicably waved play-on. Bolton, understandably incensed and vulnerable to an Arsenal counter-attack, fired into challenges, with Cahill upending Marouane Chamakh right on the touchline. A blatant yellow card, to which Attwell typically responded with a red.
After this it was merely a case of how many Arsenal would score, and there was a magnificent third from Alexandre Song, sporting a bizarre grey thatch of hair, wriggling into a niche between defender and goalkeeper before applying a delicate 'sand wedge' to lift it into the net. A comprehensive win was embellished with applomb, Carlos Vela the recipient of a casual through-ball from Fabregas which was the culmination of a squillion-pass move, though there was still time for Attwell to allow the notoriously thuggish Paul Robinson to get away with a tackle which saw Abou Diaby carried off.

Chelski versus West Ham; top versus bottom; all wins versus all defeats. This Upton Park away banker went the way most expected, with Chelsea strolling it despite no Frankie Goes To Hernia Ward, and West Ham's only diamond being Scott Parker. The major reason most expect Chelsea to be even stronger this season is the return of midfield box-to-box powerhouse Michael Essien, but not many expected him to bag two headers. In between those Chelsea goals was another in the catalogue of ex-England goalkeeper Rob Green's howlers, spilling a simple Didier Drogba free kick at Upson's feet, who decided he'd rather concede a goal than a corner, belting the ball blind against Salomon Kalou. Jon Obi Mikel also struck the angle between post and bar from a nice Ivanovic layback. The only bright spots for West Ham were the best goal of the game from Scott Parker, who delightfully cushioned a punch from Cech back over his head from the edge of the box, and new Nigerian Victor Obinna, who looked lively if wasteful. But wasteful was not the word to describe the miss of the century late on, as Carlton Cole flicked a dangerous cross goalward, only for Frederic Piquionne to somehow contrive to hit the crossbar with a header from all of two yards.

Newcastle's new-found optimism evaporated, as the walls of the St James' Park fortress were stormed by the Tangerine army. Despite an early Mike Williamson header somehow staying out after hitting the inside of the post, Blackpool seized the initiative. Steve Harper was forced into a brave double-save before Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney weaved in between two defenders and crashed to the ground under a misguided swipe from Alan Smith. Captain Charlie Adam slid the penalty home, and Blackpool rode their luck as goalkeeper Matt Gilks had an inspired afternoon, stopping battering ram Andy Carroll with a leg, and Joey Barton. As the game wore on, Newcastle appeared to run out of ideas, and when Charlie Adam fed DJ Campbell just inside the box, he appeared to have miscontrolled, only to swivel and unleash a curler inside Harper's far post for a fantastic away day once again for Blackpool.

Mancitti once again flattered to deceive in a game of two England goalkeepers. Paul Robinson was always a unique goalkeeper. With a couple of goals on his cv, he became renowned for being beaten regularly from outside the box at Tottenham, and when he suffered a couple of howlers on England duty, his Tottenham form also suffered, effectively ending his rise and consigning him to perennial relegation battles with Blackburn. Many felt as if Blackburn was just his stepping stone to regular England duty, but he put paid to that notion when he 'retired' from a game he wouldn't have been picked for anyway. Lack of ambition aside, Robinson has recently become known for his assists as much as anything else, and his mule kicks are definitely a weapon in Blackburn's potent clog army. Against Mancitti, he must have chuckled to himself as he watched new England pretender Joe Hart make a bit of a clown of himself, as he and Kolo Toure both decided to intercept, then dummy a long ball, leaving Nicola Kalinic to bag yet another goal from an opposition cock-up. Later, Hart showed his true class, recovering from this to pull off a superb one-on-one save, something Robinson took too long to do when his career took a downward slide. Another player who seems to have very recently lost his way is Carlos Tevez, but he wriggled down the line to fire in a low cross which Patrick Vieira planted into the top corner. Another of England's men of the moment and stars of the future, Adam Johnson, also shone, and was unlucky not to glean more from a frustrating game. Tevez again missed chances he would normally bury, whilst Christopher Samba enhanced his already huge reputation as an immovable object with another teak-solid display. Mission accomplished for Blackburn, but when Mancitti see the final stats of 19 attempts on goal and 14 corners, they may wonder just how they failed to finish off a typically negative Blackburn side.

Fellow top 4 contenders Tottenham made one of the most eyebrow-raising deadline signings in World Cup finalist Rafael Van Der Vaart, whilst West Brom had snapped up eccentric Austrian free agent Paul Scharner. 'Arry has certainly made Tottenham a realistic European proposition this season. Despite missing Defoe, Woodgate, Dawson, King and Gomes, they were able to have a bench comprising Robbie Keane, Peter Crouch, Sebastien Bassong and Nico Krancjar amongst others. Van der Vaart got involved early, a lovely backheel setting up Lennon for a shot that was as high as it was wide, then when his cross was cleared from off the head of Pavlyuchenko, Modric arrived to batter the ball in. Unfortunately for 'Arry, Modric later had to be stretchered off, and Chris Brunt scrambled the ball over the goal-line for a deserved Baggies equaliser. Another from the England goalkeeping graveyard Scott Carson made a couple of very good saves, while Cudicini looks like he's shaken off his ring rustiness. Peter Odemwingie proved anything Van Der Vaart can do, he can do just as well when he set up Tamasz at the death, but both teams had to settle for a point.

Mark Hughes has made an unassuming but excellent start as Fulham manager, and they continued their unbeaten run with a valuable late win against the always powerful Wolves. Wolves took the lead inside ten minutes when a dangerous cross saw 'own goal' signs flashing in John Pantsil's eyes. He dummied it, while Jelle Van Damme didn't and put Wolves ahead. Later, our favourite pantomime villain Pantsil escaped a red card for a cynical trip, the referee perhaps thinking the game needed the comic relief. Excruciatingly for Fulham, the comedy ended when they lost their talisman Bobby Zamora to a typically hefty Wolves tackle that left the new England man with a broken leg. Fortunately for them, an unheralded but very promising signing made the difference on the day, with Moussa Dembele stabbing in the equaliser with the aid of a deflection, and bagging a last minute winner, drilling a laid off free-kick through the wall and into the bottom corner. Wolves threatened sporadically; a Doyle header was cleared off the line by Chris Baird, but they succumbed to defeat after Christophe Berra was red-carded after two obvious fouls. The final stats of six yellow cards and a red for Wolves to Fulham's none clearly illustrated the differing approaches of the two managers.

Last season, the only thing that could be counted on was Wigan following a win with a defeat. This season, they have been destroyed twice then snatched a vital win. Sunderland these days are a robust outfit under Steve Bruce, and this game saw two ex-Wigan stalwarts; Titus and Lee Cattermole, returning to their old stomping ground. The money was on a Sunderland win, especially with Ghanaian World Cup star Asamoah Gyan ready to provide threat from the bench. Sure enough, the new signing did open the scoring, but only after Lee Cattermole, the angel with a dirty face, had pulled his usual trick of diving into rash challenges and throwing a tantrum when he's booked, this time twice again for his second red card in four games. After some nifty footwork on the touchline and a peach of a cross from Henderson, Gyan flew in for a dramatic volley. With Sunderland having a lead to defend, Wigan set about breaking down the ten men behind the ball, not helped when new signing Mario Boselli somehow nodded wide of a gaping net from four yards. Roberto Martinez has made some shrewd acquisitions before the deadline, and his Manchester United loanee Tom Cleverley vollied a Mignolet punch back into the mixer late on, where Alcaraz made up for his missed sitter last week by deflecting it in with his head for a well-earned Wigan point, lifting them out of the bottom three where many thought they would stay all season.

The Sunday match saw Uncle Roy's Liverpool travel to the fortress St Andrews, facing a Birmingham side unbeaten at home for a year, and a side whom previous incumbent Rafael Benitez never managed to beat in the league. The story of an engaging first half was chiefly Jose Reina. After his childish gloating and pulling a Barcelona shirt on a rival team's player after a World Cup victory he played no part in, Reina had come across as a bit of a prat, and he followed that on with a howler in Liverpool's first league game against Arsenal, but against Birmingham he reminded us that he is still a superb goalkeeper, first displaying supreme agility to claw Cameron Jerome's header away from the bottom corner before instinctively keeping out Craig Gardner's point blank header on 35 minutes. He also intercepted a Larsson cross destined for the head of Jerome, and Liverpool were clinging on. Liverpool welcomed a new yet somehow familiar signing. This is not the first shaven-headed, ex-West Ham left-back with piercing eyes the Kop have seen, but Paul Konchesky has a slightly different poise to Julian Dicks, and he performed capably throughout. The shakiest Liverpool defender was Jamie Carragher, who missed a cross to give Roger Johnson a sitter which he contrived to skew over from 6 yards, then in the second half got a generous decision when a bit of shoulder made him look like Bambi on ice. Without the guile of Joe Cole, Liverpool's midfield looked desperately pedestrian, with Lucas Leiva and Christian Poulsen keeping the back door shut, but providing little service to Gerrard or the increasingly lacklustre Torres. With the Spanish international having to drop deep to get possession, Birmingham had no fear of anyone spinning in behind, or being sprung by a rapid counter attack. In the end, Birmingham were the more disappointed  side, and Liverpool can't get Joe Cole back fast enough.


Until next time my friends.

A week for missed sitters and dismissed big-hitters

With the first bloody international break coming up already, the Premier League threw up a couple more pint-dropping results this weekend. Only Stoke and West Ham have lost all three opening games, and yet noone seemed to plump for Stoke as 'drop' candidates pre-season, perhaps because Ricardo Fuller and Mamady Sidibe were bound to intimidate the (trap)doormen.

Chelsea are navigating the fixture list from Heaven immaculately, though Stoke did put up sterner resistance than they managed at the tail-end of last season. You can imagine unusual betting patterns on a third 6-0 in 3 games, but Chelsea had to make do with just a third of those goals, though had Fun Time Frankie stuck his first-half penalty away rather than sliding it into penalty specialist Thomas Sorensen's grateful arms it may have turned into that kind of rout; the penalty being conceded from the kind of mindless Ryan Shawcross swipe that Capello was not seduced by in the summer. John Terry of all people proved he can do more than just get in the way of shots and sleep with other people's wives, when he was given the freedom of Stoke's half to stroll forward and stab a nice through ball to Florent Malouda, who finished with composite ease one-on-one. After Cashley Cole had belted the crossbar with a volley, Glenn Whelan did likewise with a brutal long-ranger, but the futile resistance was ended in the second half when Sorensen came second in a race to the ball, chopping down France's favourite son Nicholas Anelka for a penalty, which Didier Drogbarrr gratefully crashed in. 14 goals scored, none conceded for Chelski.

The result of the weekend was surely 2010's Kings of Unpredictability Wigan Athletic beating Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 at their own ground. The form guide was lovingly flushed down the crapper as the North West cannon-fodder finally scored a goal, and more staggeringly, kept a clean sheet, their first since about 2006. They had conceded 18 in their previous 3 league games, conceded 9 last time at the Lane, while Spurs had just launched a thousand joke-ships by humiliating Young Boys. But not even everyone's favourite chimpanzee-a-like Gareth Bale could lift a shocking Spurs team. Wigan were good value, with Hendry Thomas looking like a Premier League midfielder, and Emerson Boyce shoring up the backline. They may have thought their chance for victory had gone late on when Rodallega fired a deadly cross to Antonin Alcaraz, who contrived to knee the ball over with an open net gaping from four yards. Jordi Gomez missed another glorious chance before Tottenham took slackness to new levels, casually surrendering possession deep in their own half to Hendry Thomas, whose first time lofted ball over Spurs' defence was buried by Hugo Rodallega, past the utterly inept dive of forgotten man Carlo Cudicini. As a contrast, Wigan's new number one was outstanding. The Omanian Ali Al-Habsi from Bolton made a number of crucial saves, and earned his luck when his flap gave Younes Kaboul the chance to head wide of an open goal at the death. If there's one thing we've learnt from last season though, it's that Wigan will not win their next game!

Another shock result was Arsenal actually winning at Ewood Park! After an early goal-line clearance from Barcelona harlot Cesc Fibreglass set the tone for what we assumed would be a 'death from above' assault from Blackburn, Arsenal actually took the lead with a typical superbly engineered goal, Robin Van Persie stabbing sublimely between two defenders for the still-in-form Theo Walcott to actually break the net with a drive inside the far post.  What nobody was expecting was for Blackburn to get back in the game with a lovely footballing passage of play. Man-mountain Christopher Samba strode past a couple of Arsenal midfielders on the halfway line, before releasing El-Hadji Diouf to skin a flat-footed Vermaelen, and actually pick his head up from his bootlaces to slide across for his namesake Mame to notch. Rather than crumble, Arsenal decided to stay strong and work their way back into the game. Even Manuel (Almunia) decided to drop his Fawlty Towers routine and handle everything properly. When Bacary Lasagna fired in a low cross which Fibreglass drilled into Walcott, Andrei proved he doesn't need no Arshavin, as he was streamlined enough to arrive on cue to sweep home the rebound. As the game's embers faded, Blackburn decided to resort to lumping it into the box and collapsing theatrically, the most comical coming from Samba, whom you'd suspect you'd need a sledgehammer to take down.

Blackpool celebrated their very first game at the recently-developed Bloomfield Road with a draw against the usually lightweight travellers Fulham, despite having two goals disallowed. So we were treated to more skin-tight shirts by the seaside, with Fulham neat and tidy as ever, taking the lead with a classic cross and header from Bobby Zamora, despite a dubious challenge from Dembele in the build-up. It wasn't until the second half that the Tangerines had something to cheer, and it was magnificent in its execution, John Pantsil brilliantly finishing off the move he started by giving the ball away deep in his own half. Pantsil has often been derided by Fulham fans as their weak link, but it's hard to stay mad at the clumsy bugger for long. The goodwill was severely tested later though, when Pantsil played everyone onside for the culmination of a superb one and two-touch passing move between half of Blackpool's team; Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney finishing in the blink of an eye as the ball was laid through. Blackpool weren't to be triumphant though, as a lovely through-ball was lifted over the goalkeeper by the rampaging Dickson Etuhu for a late leveller.

Manchester United continued the task of clinging to Chelsea's coat-tails at this early stage with a convincing win over a dismal West Ham. A brilliant early Nani effort crashed against the bar, and from then on it was all one-way traffic. Former United player Jonathan Spector gave away a penalty for Wayne Rooney to finally break his duck since the end of last season, and Nani continued his masterclass, his mesmerising dribbling leaving Danny Gabbidon on his arse and the ball in West Ham's net. The ageless class of Giggs and Scholes was once again dictating the game, and a classic Berbatov swivel volley from a lofted Nani cross completed the victory, leaving West Ham rock bottom.

Bolton and Birmingham served up a tasty mid-table encounter, with Roger Johnson proving a pivotal figure, as he opened the scoring with a scrambled lunge, then got Bolton's Jussi Jaaskelainen red-carded  by striking the goalkeeper's glove with his chin. When a dubious offside call led to Birmingham's second from Craig Gardner, it looked like lacey blue curtains for Bolton, but inexplicably they roared back into the game. Kevin Davies did his familiar trick of backing into defenders, while Johnson's arm first leaned on Davies, then handled the ball on his way down. Probably a worthy penalty, which Davies himself slid into the top corner. There was still time for classy veteran Robbie Blake to come on and prove his worth with a majestic free-kick, which Ben Foster completely misjudged.

In the Black Country, Newcastle were forced to change from their black-and-white stripes to....all-white. Quite how this constitutes an away kit, nor how black-and-white clashes with gold, remains to be seen. Two teams renowned for their robust approach proceeded to be very robust, with serial sinner and former moustache devotee Joey Barton clattered more than a few times, while Sylvain Ebanks-Blake clattered the post with a header. He soon made amends though when he superbly controlled a Van Damme cross with the outside of his boot, before cracking the ball home. Newcastle held their nerve to equalise in the second half, a Barton free-kick guided in at the near post by the head of Andy Carroll. There was an interesting penalty claim denied from a foul on Matt Jarvis, though the fact he had punted the ball practically out of play before he went down probably counted against him.

How Everton failed to beat Villa is beyond most people who saw the onslaught, but the truth is that only Villa found the killer instinct when it mattered. Luke Young flicked a hopeful pass forward which Marouane Fellaini made a dog's breakfast of, then raced forward to receive a lovely weighted return from namesake Ashley, coaxing the ball home without breaking his stride. Though Everton could not break Friedel's line of resistance, a huge positive could be gleamed from the performance of Seamus Coleman, who looks a class act on the right hand side.

Merseyside neighbours Liverpool were on the better end of a 1-0 scoreline at Anfield. Despite looking very much like a team in transition, Liverpool ground down a decent West Brom side through a crisp Fernando Torres volley just after the hour, the striker finally shrugging off his own Samson effect. Portuguese midfielder Raul Meireles was unveiled before kick-off, filling the fans with renewed optimism that they can effectively plug the gap left by toothy Argentine Javier Mascherano's transfer to the Barcelona substitute's bench. James Morrison was sent off for two bookable offences late on to remove any vestige of a Baggies boingback.

And the final shock of the weekend came from an unpredictable Sunderland, who beat championship pretenders Mancitti with an injury-time penalty at the Stadium of Light. The story of the game came perhaps after 16 minutes, when Yaya Toure strode through the feeble Sunderland masses to leave a three-on-one situation, before squaring to leave top scorer Carlos Tevez with an open net, though the Argentine striker clearly thought he still had a keeper to chip, clearing the net completely to leave the ground agape. Sunderland clearly learned their lesson as they became far more solid from then on, beside the odd miskick from good old Titus. Yaya Toure missed a sitter himself when he dithered over a one-on-one, and Sunderland goalkeeper Simon Mignolet made a magnificent reflex save from a point-blank Adebayor flick, before a cross at the death saw Micah Richards falling on top of Darren Bent to earn a last gasp penalty, which Bent drilled under the dive of the unfortunate Joe Hart.


Wake me up when September's here!

Monday bloody Monday

So, what did we learn from the Monday night big match?

Well, we learnt Sheikh Mansour looks very young and far too wealthy. We learnt that Joe Hart is the most gifted goalkeeper in the Premiership. We learnt that Roberto Mancini has made all the right calls so far. We learnt that you don't need a creative central midfielder when you have two penetrating wingers.
And we learnt that without Joe Cole, Liverpool still look very much like the squad that finished 7th last season.

Credit has to go to Roy Hodgson for being much more positive than his predecessor with a 4-4-2 formation, away from home against a top five rival, but on this display it will be some time before they learn to cast off the shackles of Benitez's rigid tactical ploys. City got on top, and who else but James Milner rampaged into the box to set up former Villa team-mate Gareth Barry for a well-worked opener.

Steven Gerrard was uncharacteristically slapdash with his shooting, and Torres continued to display the 'Samson effect', before the second half saw City grab a scrambled second, Richards' header being swung at and missed by Tevez; squirming between Reina's legs on the line. Adam Johnson and Milner were ripping Glen Johnson and Agger apart time and again, and it was no surprise when Adam Johnson careered into the box, only to be scythed down by a brainless lunge from Martin Skrtel. A definite penalty, but Johnson won no friends by waving an imaginary card at Phil Dowd, who is usually the last referee to be influenced by players. Hopefully we can just put it down to the impetuousness of youth rather than a long-term gamesmanship mentality.

Fortunately for Liverpool the deficit never moved into 4 goals, by which time it is generally accepted as a thrashing. Early days, but Roy Hodgson has a big job on his hands, while Mancini's apparently negative tactics are reaping rich rewards. Only time will tell us if these early signs are indicative of the season's story.

The Joy of Six

It's raining goals so early in the Premiership, the exact opposite of the World Cup. Surely this is the first weekend when three separate results have ended 6-0.

On a high from the opening day demolition of Wigan, Blackpool surely would have expected a battering at the Emirates, though it was helped no doubt by the sending off of Ian Evatt in the first half for a professional foul on Marouane Chamakh. This effectively ended the game as a contest and turned it into a training game for the Gunners. Blackpool lined up with a fluid 5-man midfield, yet the only thing fluid about their team was players pissing their pants every time an Arsenal player approached their box. Chamakh should have had a double hat-trick, missing an absolute sitter before finally scoring, and Theo Walcott had his one superb game for the season early on, claiming the match ball for himself.

Speaking of Blackpool's earlier victims, many people assumed Wigan would be cannon fodder for a Chelsea team whose previous result had been 6-0, and previous, very recent result against Wigan was 8-0. A lot of people forgot that Wigan had actually comfortably beaten Chelsea at home last season, but this was a far different Wigan. Deprived of some cornerstones of last season's survival: Titus Bramble, Paul Scharner and Mario Melchiot, their first half-hour was full of endeavour and toothless attacks, before they succumbed to a sucker punch of a Malouda goal before half time. After this, Wigan became the requisite cannon fodder, leaving gaping holes at the back, in midfield and up front. New striker Mauro Boselli thought he had claimed a goal, but, alas, he was offside, leaving Wigan rock-bottom, having conceded 10 and scored none from two home games.

And the final of the triumvirate of six-goal hidings was not predictable in the slightest. Newly promoted and maligned Newcastle, with their unproven Premiership former stand-in manager Chris Hughton, took on Aston Villa, with their own unproven stand-in Kevin MacDonald in charge. Newcastle were beaten comfortably 3-0 by Manchester United in the opening weekend, whilst Villa themselves had comfortably beaten fellow clarets West Ham United 3-0, so the form book suggested a tough task to get any result for Newcastle, despite home advantage. But of course, the Premier League throws up many baffling results, and for a newly-promoted and apparently past-it Newcastle side to slaughter a side whose reserve team got a draw in Europe in the week is infuriatingly incomprehensible. St James' Park could hardly believe their eyes as Andy Carroll continued to enhance his reputation as the new Duncan Ferguson with a hat-trick, while grafter Kevin Nolan got a brace to suggest there's life in these old dogs yet, after Carew had cleared the stands with a penalty and moustachioed midfielder Joey Barton had opened the scoring. Where now for Villa though?


Everyone's favourite incredible hulks Stoke City could not bundle their way to victory against a Spurs side with a new steely resolve, even away from home against muscular opponents. Gareth Bale scored a brilliantly diverse brace, the first hitting him in the face, the second a volley sent from heaven, lifting his left peg to neck height before wrapping his boot around it deliciously, sending it air-freight into the postage stamp. Stoke complained vociferously about a late chance being clearly over the goal-line before Crouch kneeled to thrust it away, conveniently forgetting that Robert Huth had barged Heurelho Gomes into the net beforehand.

Avram 'Donkey Kong' Grant must be throwing barrels in disgust at his West Ham side, pointless with Manchester United and Chelsea up next. They were architects of their own downfall somewhat, Carlton Cole buggering up a first half penalty before Matthew Upson put his head where Kevin Davies' boots where flying and soon wished he hadn't, being injured and scoring a comical own goal. Last season's donkey Johan Elmander bagged a couple of poacher's strikes, while Mark Noble showed Cole how it was done, to no avail. Still remains to be seen whether Owen Coyle is actually evolving Bolton's agricultural style much.

Speaking of primitive tactics, the Crown Prince of percentage play was a tad miffed that his Blackburn side lost to a rugged Birmingham, chiefly thanks to a nice double from former Villan Craig Gardner, and a superb penalty save from on-loan goalkeeper Ben Foster. The penalty was given away by Gareth Barry's Serbian cousin Nicola Zigic, who looked bemused that shirt-pulling is illegal in England. Blackburn's goal came, typically, from a messy corner from Zigic's fellow beanpole Stephen N'Zonzi, with some nice blocking of the goalkeeper implemented by Allardyce's cloggers.

West Bromwich Albion were pretty chuffed that they signed new striker Peter Odemwingie in time for their match against Sunderland, for he scored the winner nine minutes from time. Chris Brunt crashed a shot against the crossbar just after, while Sunderland offered very little, Jekyll and Hyde as always.

Everton continued their perennial unconvincing start with a 1-1 draw against an improved Wolves. Both goals were cloaked in controversy, the first from Cahill coming from a free-kick which should have been a penalty, the equaliser from Ebanks-Blake followed a dubious challenge on the halfway line. Jermaine Beckford looks as if he has a lot to learn at this level, while Everton must be grateful that possible England selection Mikel Arteta has hit form again.

Manchester United gave ground to Chelsea early on following a disappointing draw with Fulham. It shows how far they have come in recent seasons that Fulham no longer possess an inferiority complex, and even top teams consider a point at Craven Cottage a decent result these days. It was a day for the ladies down by the Thames, as Fulham players seemed to be having their own wet t-shirt contest. Ginger master Paul Scholes drove a consummate missile into the bottom corner for the opener, and United required an outstanding double-save from former Fulham stalwart Edwin Van Der Sar to keep the lead, but when Fulham worked their way back into the game in the second half they carved open the Red Devils with a lovely exchange between Duff and Zamora down the right wing, resulting in Simon Davies stabbing the pull-back in. In the absence of Wayne Rooney, last season's prolific scorer Own Goals got in on the act in the later stages, with man of the match man mountain Brede Hangeland unknowingly diverting a corner into the net. Minutes after this, Damien Duff produced a moment of majestic incompetence, swivelling to spoon the ball against his own arm, though a penalty was outrageously harsh. Fulham will see justice as being done when a nonchalant Nani saw his kick saved by Stockdale, and Hangeland charged upfield like an action hero to redeem his folly, battering in a glorious header to steal a draw before the final curtain fell.

Another fascinating week in the Premier League gone, and looking forward to a decent-looking Liverpool take on an unpredictable Man City for a top-four grudge match.


Until next week my affectionate afficianados...

Goodbye World Cup, hello Premier League! After the greatest show on Earth proved to be a huge disappointment and unmitigated disaster for England, every jaded football fan breathed a deep sigh of relief at the return of that maginificent monopoly money soap opera that is the English Premier League.

How would Double Winners Chelsea react to their damp squib of a pre-season? The answer was in the style of the end of last season by destroying perennial  hands-up-trousers-down cannon fodder West Bromwich Albion. Even returning hero Roberto Di Matteo could not prevent an annihilation, with equine battering ram Didier Drogba in predictably muscular and prolific form. It's good to see West Brom stick two fingers up to critics who suggested they had to stop standing yards off of superior opponents, and they have even added a new tactical weapon to their armoury: the perforated wall. Meanwhile Scott Carson reminded us why he will never get near the England team again.

As did Chris Kirkland, who must be very concerned he will be playing in the Championship next season, along with the rest of Wigan's shambles of a team. This is a tragic indication for those of us who were delighted with Wigan's colourful contributions to the Premier League last season: Paul Scharner's black/white halved hair; Figueroa's halfway line spectacular; James McCarthy's inexplicable own goal, Dave Whelan's foot-in-mouth outbursts; conceding eight and nine goals in separate games; and the most magnificent flourescent away strip. Judging by their utter ineptitude in being thrashed at home by newly promoted relegation favourites Blackpool, Wigan are heading for a worse points total than their 36 last season, a total that in most seasons would have seen them go down. It seems like selling captain Scharner, as well as the much maligned but influential duo Heskey and Bramble, may cost Wigan the ultimate prize of their place at the top table, as they seem to possess a lightweight attack while treating defending as an optional extra. Adulation to Blackpool though, and credit to Ollie for signing the clearly hungry powerhouse Marlon 'pinhead' Harewood, who will give them a much-needed goal threat.

At moneybags Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, henceforth known as Mancitti, broke Given's heart when Hart was given the goalkeeper's slot at White Hart Lane. Hart responded with a virtuoso display, along with Kompany and De Jong particularly, as City proved that Italians always get the defensive aspects right. Tottenham must have been gutted to come out with just a draw that they may live to regret later in the season.

Villa proved there is life after O'Neill, as James Milner, who must be slightly proud at being responsible for both Kevin Keegan and Smartin' Martin walking out at his sale, did his talking on the pitch. Robert Green proved once again how baffling it is that Capello chose him in the top three goalkeepers in the country, and Avram Grant did little to dispel his doubters, as West Ham continued where they left off last season, leaving the first round Premiership bottom three as the three Ws: West Ham, Wigan and West Brom.

David Jones lit up Molineux with a free-kick right out of the Le Tissier playbook, while Mick McCarthy must be chuffed at the shrewdness of signing Burnley's best player Steven Fletcher, who also scored. Tony Pulis meanwhile was left ruing spending £8 million on a player who may be injured for a considerable time, though it does get a bit tiresome for Stoke to continue bulking their squad up with brawn. But then Pulis may have surrendered the notion of expanding their approach for the certainty that lumping it up and loading the box with big men lends you. Artistry costs more than Stoke are willing to pay apparently. You accept it in a team's first and even second consolidation seasons, but after this you have to question why the Premier League is home to a team that noone outside of their own fans would pay to watch.

Speaking of the unpleasant side of the game, it's not very often i disagree with Steve Bruce, but to blame the referee for clog merchant Lee Cattermole's dismissal was uncalled for. The two cautions, for a cynical shirt tug and a ridiculous kick through the back of former hellraiser Lee Bowyer, were more than justified. The game itself was notable for some excellent approach play from Fraizer Campbell, an hilarious own goal from the always hard-done-by-expressioned head of Stephen Carr, and some diabolically scrappy goals from both sides in an ugly 2-2 draw. Sunderland set a new record for red cards last season, and they appear to be attempting to reach for new heights.

Always up there with the ugliest teams, Blackburn managed to prise a great victory away from notorious slow-starters Everton, who got what they deserved for having a blancmange as a kit, while Mark Hughes would have been relieved to see reserve goalkeeper David Stockdale pull off a great performance, suggesting there may be life after Mark Schwarzer.

Looking forward to the newly-optimistic Liverpool take on the incessantly-if-tentatively-optimistic Arsenal later, and Manchester United determine what Chris Hughton is like as a Premier League manager. Can Newcastle survive adapting their Championship long-ball style to something more cultured, or will it be 'do what it takes' for the Geordies?

Until next week my friends.

Aa.