I want to ride my bicycle kick

Not quite as goal-drenched this weekend, but the Premier League still provided us with some classic moments, as well as that goal to settle the Manchester derby.

Not since the 1970s have Manchester City been so close to their illustrious neighbours, and this particular derby was too close to call; only settled by a moment of genius the likes of which people go to football matches to see, and talk about generations later. Manchester City dominated the opening encounters, with David Silva particularly cunning. The diminutive Spaniard should have opened the scoring after exchanging passes with different players in carving himself a route through the red backline, only to poke the ball a fraction wide of the post as Van Der Sar narrowed his angles. Nani then typically feinted to go right before cutting inside and unleashing with his left, only to clear the crossbar. Darren Fletcher headed a good chance straight at Hart before Nani again came close, but the Portuguese winger opened the scoring when Ryan Giggs flicked a magnificent first-time ball into his path, which he killed and held away from Pablo Zabaleta before rolling the ball expertly wide of Joe Hart’s dive. Mancitti did not let this affect them, despite their tactics generally being inadequate when chasing games, and they equalised when substitute Shaun Wright-Phillips sent in a low cross which Edin Dzeko was first to meet and send on its way wide, before it took a mammoth deflection off of David Silva’s back for a hugely fortuitous leveller. City thought they may have even grabbed the win when a Silva free-kick found Carlos Tevez, who was offside before he forced Van Der Sar into a superb reaction save with his foot. As the cliché goes, they thought it was all over until a Manchester United attack in the last fifteen minutes, which Wayne Rooney almost contrived to lose possession of, but the ball eventually found Nani on his right flank. When his floated cross took a nick off Zabaleta, Rooney readjusted supremely to crash an overhead bicycle kick into the top corner for the most glorious of winners. Despite City deserving a draw, the crowd were left to mutually acclaim the kind of moment we all go to football matches in the hope of seeing. United fans may even forgive his holding the club to ransom at this rate.

West Ham United staged an incomprehensible comeback, as West Bromwich Albion shot themselves in the foot; perhaps a message to the shameful actions of their board in firing Roberto Di Matteo out of the blue. With former Manchester United youngster Michael Appleton in charge, the Baggies raced into a 3-0 half-time lead founded on farcical defending from the hapless Hammers. Peter Odemwingie fed the returning Graham Dorrans on the edge of the box, who swivelled and cracked an instant effort past a stunned Robert Green for the opener. More incisive trickery from Odemwingie saw his low shot palmed out pathetically by Green, and only team-mate Marc-Antoine Fortune prevented Chris Brunt from scoring a second. It wasn’t long before it did become two, when Fortune saved face with a penetrating run and layback to Jerome Thomas, who was given time to take a touch before curling the ball home. Thomas felt aggrieved not to earn a penalty later in the half, when he rounded Green with ease, but crashed down with a touch from Winston Reid facing an open net. An offside Carlton Cole put the ball in the net as a brief riposte, but the Hammers were left with red faces once again, when a Dorrans free-kick evaded everyone, and would have bounced wide if it wasn’t for a sliding Reid at his own back post putting it in for a hopeless own goal. The half did end with West Ham showing some pride, with Demba Ba provoking a superb reaction save from Boaz Myhill; tipping his effort onto the post; and Gary O’Neil thumping the face of the crossbar, with the ensuing goalmouth scramble being deflected over.

Unless Appleton told his players to fold like a deck of cards, the players clearly didn’t take the half-time talk onboard. West Ham reduced the deficit within five minutes, through a Demba Ba strike, with Paul Scharner falling over. More ludicrous defending from the Baggies led to West Ham’s second, when a Mark Noble free-kick was watched and whistled at as Frederic Piquionne sauntered in completely free to nod across for Carlton Cole, who buried his close-range header. Frederic Piquionne then crashed a header from a Wayne Bridge cross onto the crossbar, before Peter Odemwingie led a slight revival in beating three men but seeing his shot saved. West Ham’s relentless attacks finally yielded an equaliser, when a short corner was almost ignored by Albion, a fatal error resulting in Mark Noble sending in a cross not cleared, from which Demba Ba managed to scissor-kick the ball into the net. More Keystone Cops moments later presented Odemwingie and Piquionne with chances, but there was to be no winner in the battle of defensive ineptitude.

The Thames Derby saw an unconvincing Chelsea labour to carve open a disciplined Fulham team. Despite Danny Murphy et al consistently surrendering possession in key areas, Chelski could not open them up, and despite having a mammoth 22 attempts on goal, the Blues only registered 4 on target, while Fulham produced 5 on target from just 9 attempts. Fernando Torres was once again feeling the pressure, and miscontrolled a glorious chance when through on goal, but the real star for Chelsea was new centre-back David Luiz, who looks a fine acquisition. His involvement in attacking play added to his sterling defensive work, though he nearly blemished this in injury time, with an ill-judged poke at Clint Dempsey, who went down for a last-ditch penalty; to the roar of the Craven Cottage faithful. Agonisingly for Fulham fans, Dempsey could only drill the penalty against Cech and miss the rebound, preventing them seeing a priceless last-second win against their illustrious neighbours. That said, Chelsea were fortunate that substitute Didier Drogba escaped censure for encroaching almost to the line of the penalty spot by the time the ball was struck. Despite almost reaching his natural eyeline, Drogba escaped the attention of Mike Dean, who seemed more relieved that the penalty was missed. A goalless draw that all but ends Chelsea’s hopes of title retention for this season.

Arsenal kept the pressure on United at the top with a resounding victory against the Kings of the Lord Mayor’s Show; Wolves. Robin Van Persie continued his superb form; scissor-kicking in a Fabregas centre after sixteen minutes. Some lovely work from Andrei Arshavin set up Theo Walcott, whose shot produced a magnificent Hennessey save, while the rebound from Fabregas was drilled against Stearman on the line and away. Jack Wilshere produced some magic to set up Theo Walcott for a glorious chance, but somehow the England winger sidefooted the ball wide of the target. Richard Stearman then had Wayne Hennessey to thank once again for brilliantly preventing his own goal. The killer second came just before the hour mark, when Theo Walcott was set away, and squared the ball for Van Persie to expertly notch his brace. Walcott later produced another good save from Hennessey, while Sylvain Ebanks-Blake fired a rare Wolves chance over.

Tottenham Hotspur moved, and stayed, above Chelsea in the table with a comeback victory over Sunderland at the Stadium of Light. The Mackems were ahead after ten minutes, from a superb piece of skill from Asamoah Gyan; who received a low Richardson cross, before swivelling and firing in a shot in the same movement before Dawson could make a challenge. Heurelho Gomes was just as surprised as the shot flew past him. Phil Bardsley joined the attack and fired over before Michael Dawson grabbed an equaliser just before half-time. A Stephen Pienaar corner saw Titus Bramble go nap-nap, as his man Dawson stole in to nod down and through the luckless Gordon’s legs on the line. The second half saw Phil Bardsley make an unfeasible goal-line clearance as William Gallas looked set to force man and ball in, while a decent effort from ex-Spurs man Steed Malbranque was well parried by Gomes. The winner came when Vedran Corluka played a hopeful but superbly placed ball past the last man. No Sunderland man seemed to react, and Sandro galloped onto it, before delivering a cross that John Mensah nodded out only as far as Nico Krancjar, who volleyed gloriously into the corner of Gordon’s net. A Pienaar dribble and high shot was then followed by Kieran Richardson clipping the crossbar with a deflected effort. Spurs’ strength in depth saw to their win again; with Krancjar proving his worth despite being kept out of the side most of the season by Gareth Bale.

Liverpool’s run of wins ground to a halt, as Wigan Athletic dug in to claim a point at Anfield. Raul Meireles had continued his superb goalscoring run with a timely volley to open their account, but Wigan fought to rescue the game, and did so when a free-kick wasn’t cleared properly, and Charles N’Zogbia sent in a teasing cross flicked on by Alcaraz, missed by Rodallega but poked in by Steve Gohouri to end the Reds’ recent run of clean sheets. Replays showed Gohouri to be fractionally offside, so Liverpool will be disgruntled. That said, the Kop had a great display from new striker Luis Suarez, who bears more than a passing resemblance to former toothy idol Milan Baros. After going down early claiming a penalty, the Uruguayan clipped the post and later battered the crossbar with a superb free-kick, to leave the Anfield faithful hopeful of a new hero to worship.

Only two goals at Broomfield Road, where Blackpool stopped the rot by coming back to prevent a sixth straight defeat against Aston Villa. Darren Bent had proved that there is more to his game than poaching, when he sent a brilliant first-time flick through to Gabriel Agbonlahor, who rounded Richard Kingson and found the net despite two covering defenders; the ball nutmegging Ian Evatt on its way in. Less than five minutes later Eliot Grandin flicked a corner in at the near post, and the Tangerines were level. Sheffield Wednesday reject Lukee Varney headed a fantastic chance wide after being found by Marlon Harewood, while Richard Kingson produced a one-on-one save after Stewart Downing had worked himself through on goal. DJ Campbell sent in a cross-shot that somehow Varney missed again, before Downing then struck the outside of the Blackpool post. Varney then almost made amends by being the provider, but his cross was bundled wide by DJ Campbell. Jason Puncheon volleyed just wide as Blackpool attempted to seize the game, and their task seemed to be made easier when Jean Makoun was deservedly red-carded for launching DJ Campbell up in the air with a two-footed challenge. However, Villa thought they may have had the last laugh, only to be denied a penalty when Ashley Young went down late on under a Baptiste challenge.

Everton are facing up to a relegation battle, after Bolton comfortably beat them at the Reebok Stadium. The opener was as unlucky as they come. First, Lee Probert somehow deemed Paul Robinson sending Victor Anichebe flying as a Bolton free-kick. Then, Holden’s delivery found Gary Cahill flicking the ball towards goal, but as Howard plunged to meet it, the ball then cannoned off Johnny Heitinga and into the opposite corner. Leighton Baines’ fabulous cross was then guided wide by Tim Cahill, who would normally have headed but decided to volley; a costly decision. Bolton’s second came in a goalmouth scramble in which Gary Cahill bundled Heitinga over; the ball eventually headed on for Daniel Sturridge to crack a close-range half-volley into the net for his third goal in three Bolton appearances. The Trotters were aggrieved later to be denied a great third, when Sturridge backheeled on the touchline for Holden to convert, though replays showed the ball had narrowly crossed the line before Sturridge had touched it. All in all, the Toffees were counting the cost of once again missing Luis Saha through injury.

After the groundbreaking 4-4 draw against Arsenal last week, it was inevitable that Newcastle would follow this with a goalless draw. Roque Santa Cruz headed an early chance against the post for Rovers, while Peter Lovenkrands hit the crossbar with a deft lob, after a fantastic long pass from Jose Enrique. Fabricio Coloccini juggled a corner before driving in a thunderous volley brilliantly parried by Paul Robinson. Late on, Newcastle’s man-of-the-match Enrique jinked and slalomed through four Blackburn defenders, but still found no route to goal, as both teams move up to 32 points.

When anti-goals met anti-football at St Andrews, the resulting contest was turgid, to say the least. Birmingham’s policy holding onto what they’ve got before throwing Nikola Zigic up front for the last 15 has proved yawn-inducing for most neutrals, though to McLeish’s credit, he has recently begun deploying two strikers (one being Zigic) at home now, and with Obafemi Martins as a new loan centre-forward, perhaps their encounters will prove slightly more interesting in the future. Stoke, on the other hand, have jettisoned their two flair players, and are more Sunday League than ever. This is usually aligned to sly incidents of ungentlemanly conduct, usually from Robert Huth. The big German didn’t let us down this time either; reacting to the ball striking his hand in the box by going down clutching his face. Stephen Taylor would have been proud. There had really been nothing to crow about in this fixture until the very last minute, when Birmingham worked the ball into the box. Asmir Begovic spilled David Bentley’s shot, and then made a mess of preventing Cameron Jerome’s follow-up dink from reaching the giant Zigic, who gleefully nodded in from a yard. Burn the tape of this game, and let us never speak of it again.

Great comebacks, bad comebacks and a deluge of goals

In quite possibly the most exciting and madcap weekend in Premier League history, a new record was set for goals scored on a single Saturday, a team recovered from 4 goals down to gain a point for the first time in Premier League history, and the top team lost their unbeaten run to the bottom team. The lowest scorers in all four divisions scored four, Luis Saha scored that many by himself, while Carlos Tevez celebrated his 27^th birthday with a hat-trick.

Where else to start but St James’ Park, where the comeback of all comebacks ensued in a contender for the Premier League’s finest game. You would struggle to find a game anywhere that sees all four goals scored by one team in the first 25 minutes, and all four goals in reply scored in the last 25. An incredible game started with both teams deploying something of a diamond formation. Many observers worried where Newcastle’s goals would now come from. When Andrei Arshavin flicked a great pass through to Theo Walcott, racing goal-side of the sluggish Coloccini, the England winger finished expertly: all within forty-five seconds. Before the home fans had settled into their seats Arsenal had gone two goals up, when a cutely delivered Arshavin free-kick was headed in off the crossbar by Johann Djorou. Newcastle did not learn any lessons, and their defence was statuesque and completely lacking responsibility when Walcott practically walked between admiring black-and-white shirts into the box, before pulling the ball back for a slackly-marked Robin Van Persie to slot home from close-range after just ten minutes. It took slightly longer for the fourth to arrive, but when Baccary Sagna’s delicious cross was headed in expertly by Van Persie, a sizeable proportion of the St James’ Park faithful decided they had seen enough. How must they now feel?

It almost got worse for Toon when a gorgeous Fabregas long pass sent Van Persie away, but his lob just cleared the crossbar. The second half began with most expecting a continuation of the Gunners’ execution squad, but things changed irrevocably when Abou Diaby completely lost his head when Joey Barton won a loose ball with a hard tackle. Diaby clearly wasn’t expecting it and got clattered; responding by throwing Barton to the ground, and then pushing Kevin Nolan away when he tried to offer his machismo. The red card that accompanied his lunacy altered the course of a game that Arsenal had dead and buried. After the red card, the onus was on Arsenal’s defence to stand strong, but as usual they failed the test miserably. Laurent Koscielny was first to crack, when he attempted to poke at the ball through Leon Best, who went down for an inevitable penalty award. Joey Barton notched the penalty brilliantly, before goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny decided to play silly buggers. Joey Barton played along for a bit before big bad Kevin Nolan decided he didn’t much like this game and hauled the goalkeeper to the ground by the neck. An offence which, ironically, Nolan only got a yellow card for when it seemed on the same level as Diaby’s offence. Tomas Rosicky came on a minute after the goal, and soon the Arsenal fans were wishing he hadn’t. His first influence of note was to lazily give the ball away on the very edge of his own penalty area; reacting with slumped shoulders and not moving in any way to rectify his error as Barton played in Leon Best, who scored expertly as Rosicky’s utter lack of responsibility had left him playing the big striker onside. Luckily for Rosicky, the linesman had a nightmare too, and called it incorrectly offside. A decent cross then found Best at the back post, and after his header had fell at his own feet via Clichy, the striker made no mistake in stabbing in a goal that did count, and reduced the arrears to just the two. Youngster Nile Ranger forced an excellent save from Szczesny as Newcastle laid siege to the Arsenal goal. Their third came on 83 minutes, when Mike Williamson leapt for a header and crashed over as Rosicky once again left the Gunners fans ruing his introduction; clearly making an attempt to push Williamson as he jumped, though eventual contact was minimal. Joey Barton saw this penalty go in fortunately, but the Toon faithful did not care one iota. They roared their heroes on, and were treated to the pick of the bunch with three minutes to play. Tomas Rosicky completed his abysmal display by giving away a dangerous free-kick that was only cleared to Chekh Tiote on the edge of the box, and the powerful Ivorian brought the house down when he struck a pearler of a left-footed volley into the corner of Szczesny’s net to complete the most unlikely of comebacks. There could have still been a sting in the tail even after this, as first Nolan fired a fraction wide at one end, before Van Persie scored a superb goal which was judged offside by the narrowest of margins.

Manchester United were finally beaten, just as they were about to claim 30 games unbeaten. It was no surprise that they lost to the bottom team in the division, as their only other domestic defeat came to a team who were bottom of the league at the time: West Ham in the Carling Cup. United have rarely been formidable this season, and some would say are fortunate to have made it this far, but it was still something of a surprise that they lost after taking an early lead. Wolves had beaten Mancitti and Chelski at Molineux this season, while United had lost defensive lynchpin Rio Ferdinand in the warm-up, so the omens were not good. These were forgotten however, when Nani was sent down the line and marauded into the box, shadowed by two defenders. With very little to aim for, the Portuguese star shimmied and cut outside George Elokobi, before squeezing a left foot drive neatly inside Wayne Hennessey’s near post. Wolves overturned this lead, typically, from a set-piece. United went to sleep from a short corner, and Matt Jarvis delivered a great cross for George Elokobi to make amends for Nani’s goal and head in. The Red Devils’ defence was again statuesque when Dimitar Berbatov was forced to close down O’Hara, as he forced Van Der Sar to block his near post effort with his legs. The second Wolves goal came just before half-time, when Rooney and Vidic made a pig’s ear out of clearing their lines, and gave away a dangerous free-kick. Nenad Milijas swung it in, and Kevin Doyle stooped to get a flick at the same time as Elokobi, sending it past a helpless Van Der Sar. The second half siege saw Hernandez beat Hennessey in a challenge, but Rooney’s follow-up was blocked, while Nani headed a very good chance over, and Paul Scholes was booked for palming an effort goalward. In the end it was one of United’s strengths: defending set-pieces; that proved to be their undoing here.

Everton came out triumphant in a stonking game at Goodison against the team we all love to love: Blackpool. Ian Holloway; thankfully not having resigned after the Premier League’s farcical decision to fine his side for fielding what they deemed an ‘under-strength’ team, despite it being made up from the pool of 25 players he nominated to the Premier League; is a national treasure, though even he now admits his side is conceding a ridiculous amount of goals that will see them relegated if they continue. Luis Saha is a striker capable of brilliance on his day; though, as observers tend to point out, his ‘day’ comes around all too rarely, usually due to his inordinate frequency of injury. This was definitely one of his days, and he plundered four superb goals to give Everton a clinical edge that could have seen them in the higher echelons of the division had it come sooner in the season. Diniyar Bilayetdinov’s brilliant work provided his poacher’s opener, before the Tangerines equalised, as a corner was flicked against the near post and along the goal-line by Ian Evatt. It was cleared perhaps too late, but Alex Baptiste followed it in to make sure. Everton were aggrieved when denied a second goal. Seamus Coleman was clearly tugged down as he delivered a brilliant cross that Saha guided in. Kevin Friend had already blown his whistle apparently, so the goal was disallowed for a free-kick best described as abysmal from Leighton Baines. Incredibly, this was the end of the first half scoring. The second half was just two minutes old when Jack Rodwell sent Leighton Baines down the left flank, and the full-back’s cross was guided in expertly by Saha. Just after the hour mark, Blackpool fought back again, when Eliot Grandin won a crucial 50-50 on the edge of the box with Johnny Heitinga, and sent new signing James Beattie into the box. Beattie’s low cross was finished at the back post by an ecstatic Jason Puncheon. Everton almost retook the lead again when Fellaini took down a corner and struck a shot that Neal Eardley had to clear off the line, but within three minutes ‘Ollie was cavorting in delight, as Sylvain Distin lost the ball in a terrible area. The resulting counter-attack found DJ Campbell on the edge of the box striking a pummelling shot against the crossbar which Charlie Adam stooped to head into the empty net. Blackpool then contrived to surrender the initiative. Goalkeeper Paul Rachubka lost his head and careered out of his box; losing a challenge with Jack Rodwell, who chipped the ball beautifully towards a gaping net, only to see Ian Evatt race back and make a maginificent clearance just before the ball crossed the line. The manner of Everton’s third goal left Blackpool seething, as Jermaine Beckford had left Charlie Adam receiving treatment after a boot to the face. A man short at a corner, Blackpool allowed Saha to nip in unchecked and nod in for his hat-trick, after somehow a cluster of bodies all missed the ball at the near post. The fourth goal was nothing short of majestic, as the erratic Beckford ran onto a long pass from Leighton Baines and volleyed into the net without breaking his stride. The breathless scoring finally concluded in the 84^th minute, when Blackpool were throwing the kitchen sink at Everton. An unlucky bounce saw the ball cleared, and Fellaini played a cracking through-ball to Luis Saha, who put on the afterburners to leave Adam in the dust before drawing the goalkeeper and stabbing into the corner of the net. Thus a truly incredible game ended; a joy for all who had the privilege to attend.

Wigan Athletic lined up for a Lancashire derby against Blackburn Rovers as the lowest scoring team in all four divisions, yet proved anyone expecting a dull contest thoroughly wrong, despite the pudding of a pitch. Ben Watson had an early free-kick saved, but it was Rovers who took the lead, when Hoilett’s cross was turned in from close range by Jason Roberts. Charles N’Zogbia turned on his finesse when his weaving run saw the ball laid off to Emerson Boyce, and when Robinson parried his effort, James McCarthy arrived to dink into the net from a tight angle. Like the Everton match, half-time saw a 1-1 scoreline, and like that game the second half hit the heights. Victor Moses’ clever flick evaded Christopher Samba and sent Hugo Rodallega scampering behind and around Robinson, before slotting into the empty net. The third Wigan goal was a joy to behold; with James McCarthy and Charles N’Zogbia conspiring to keep ball in the tightest of niches inside the Rovers box. When N’Zogbia dinked a short pass back to McCarthy, the midfielder flicked the ball up before juggling it to his opposite foot and volleying sublimely into the bottom corner. Blackburn pulled a goal back through a familiar source, when a Pedersen corner was powered into the net by Samba, despite Al-Habsi’s protestations. The Omanian goalkeeper for once did not have a good day. But rather than typically concede a lead, Wigan just powered two goals ahead once more, with Watson drilling in the penalty that came after Salgado had clearly tripped Diame a fraction inside the box. Mame Biryam Diouf produced an awful finish late on with a comeback beckoning, but Blackburn did pull one more back, when David Dunn was tripped on the run just inside the box by Diame, though Dunn had flicked the ball almost out for a throw in the process. The victim got up to convert the spot-kick, but Rovers were beaten; a result that briefly lifted the Latics’ heads above water, before Birmingham’s result dropped them once more below the waterline.

How Liverpool fans must have gloated, after the Fernando Torres bandwagon was crudely derailed; at Stamford Bridge too. Despite an attempt at a gentleman’s agreement, Chelsea insisted on getting full value for their gargantuan outlay, by playing a ‘dream team’ attacking trident of Drogba, Anelka and Torres. Unfortunately for Ancelotti, he was outmanoeuvred in tactical terms when Kenny Dalglish played three centre-backs to cope, while allowing Kelly and Johnson to bomb forward and provide width, whilst also limiting Bosingwa and Cashley’s danger. Torres endured a pretty impotent afternoon, blazing his first good opportunity well over, catching an ‘accidental’ forearm smash from former team-mate Daniel Agger, and having Jamie Carragher slide to block his only decent effort at goal before being substituted. Maxi Rodriguez had a pretty embarrassing afternoon too. After giving the ball to Torres for his first chance, Maxi then managed to hit the crossbar with an open goal from all of five yards. Liverpool grabbed a winner in the 68^th minute, when Gerrard burst down the flank to offer a cross which Cech bizarrely allowed to bounce past him at the near post, perhaps mindful of Ivanovic clattering him as he had done minutes earlier in another misunderstanding. The ball was begging to be tucked away, and Raul Meireles arrived to readjust superbly and guide it in. Chelsea just did not possess any width, though were incensed that a late penalty wasn’t awarded, when the strapping Ivanovic crashed to the ground when Glen Johnson seemed to charge into him. So Chelsea ended the day £50million and 3 points poorer, as Liverpool could afford to leave out both their big signings and still win.

Carlos Tevez once again proved his enduring worth to Mancitti by plundering a hat-trick. With £27million Edin Dzeko a substitute, Tevez was under pressure to deliver, and he didn’t disappoint. Alexsander Kolarov crossed for Tevez to volley against the post, before Joe Hart was called into action to push a Chris Brunt free-kick away. Kolarov then continued to exert influence on the game, when he was brought to earth by Stephen Reid inside the West Brom penalty box. Tevez converted the penalty and then scored a sublime second, when he exchanged passes in no space at all with David Silva, before sidestepping and skipping over the challenge of Jonas Olsson and slotting past Myhill. Kolarov once again impressed when he strode forward to thunder a 35 yarder against the crossbar with Myhill’s fingertips stung. Jerome Thomas conceded a horribly unlucky second spot-kick when the ball skipped up onto his prone arm, and Tevez gleefully completed his birthday hat-trick. Incredible news of Roberto Di Matteo’s sacking broke after this game, despite him taking West Brom up and into the higher echelons of the Premier League for a time, and still being well in touch with the teams around them. The Baggies board have clearly followed in the footsteps of Newcastle and Blackburn to truly begin an era where managers are no longer sacked after the tabloids mount a campaign, but are sacked out of the blue, for reasons that seem no more logical than thinking the grass is always greener. Even if West Brom do go down, Di Matteo has proved astute enough to bring them back up, and surely it will cost them double to be relegated now, with Di Matteo’s pay-off added to it.

A thrilling game at the Britannia, but only in terms of the scoreline and the atmosphere, because Stoke’s football has gone back to the pre-Neanderthal Wimbledon heyday kick and rush. To describe just how appalling (and illegal) the first two goals particularly were could not be accomplished with mere words. Sunderland had taken the lead very early, when Kieran Richardson found the roof of the net after Asamoah Gyan had miskicked in the box. Stoke’s first equaliser came courtesy of the old ‘up ‘n’ under’. Delap launched a throw deep into the box, and the ball was flicked high into the air. With Gordon weak, Huth challenged and the ball squirmed loose for Carew to stab in practically on the goal-line. Replays showed Carew to be standing a yard offside when the ball was played, but to be fair to the linesman it was near impossible to spot with the naked eye. Sunderland regained the lead in the second half when new loan signing Sulley Muntari played a fantastic ball to Asamoah Gyan; goal-side of Robert Huth. As he reached the box Huth caught up, but the Ghanaian outmuscled the German defender before cutting outside him and drilling a low shot into the net past goalkeeper and defender. A brilliant goal which was to be sadly overshadowed. Craig Gordon had later spilled a corner and been bailed out, but there was no bailing out when he was beaten to the punch; fairly literally, by John Carew. The galling fact that the second equalising goal should have been ruled out for three different offences will stick in Steve Bruce’s craw long after this game. As another excellent Pennant delivery swung in towards Gordon, a marginally offside John Carew leapt in front of him; bundling the ball goalward with his arm, which was then touched by the also-offside Robert Huth before it eventually crossed the Sunderland goal-line. If there was such a thing as the ‘worst goal you’ll ever see’, this would be right up there. Kids, please don’t try this at home. With their magnificent fans roaring them on, it was inevitable that Stoke would get the winner in injury time, when Kieran Richardson stupidly conceded a free-kick 35 yards out. Pennant again earned his wages with a stupendous inswinger that Titus Bramble watched like he was pointing at a plane, before watching Robert Huth meet it with a timely lunge to send the Britannia into raptures.

Aston Villa and Fulham played out an entertaining draw down at Villa Park which saw Andrew Johnson looking like he has regained his old form. Darren Bent had an early effort ruled out for offside, but Villa took the lead as familiar Fulham own goal scorer John Pantsil added to his impressive collection with a corkscrew header that Richard Dunne couldn’t have managed even in his younger days. Johnson notched his goal in the second half, as he lunged in bravely with his head to guide in the rebound, after new boy Steve Sidwell’s thunderous drive was parried. Youngster Kyle Walker then had a moment to remember, when he beat Sidwell to the ball on halfway and advanced, before striking the crispest of low drives into the bottom corner from some 35 yards. Fulham regained parity through a towering header from Clint Dempsey at a corner; beating his compatriot Friedel to the ball brilliantly, though Friedel denied Johnson a winner late on. A decent point for both sides.

‘Arry was smiling eventually, as classy Croat Nico Krancjar staked his claim for more regular football with a magnificent last minute winner at

White Hart Lane

. Spurs’ opener came early, as a free-kick produced a melee culminating in Corluka’s attempt to find a partially unguarded net thwarted by the arm of Kevin Davies. Rafael Van Der Vaart converted the spot-kick brilliantly. The game became more interesting when Aaron Lennon jinked and weaved inside the box before being scythed down for a second penalty. Bolton were livid, and thought they were two behind when Van Der Vaart tucked the second kick into the same corner. Mark Clattenburg, however, deemed it illegal, citing encroachment from Defoe particularly. Unfortunately for Van Der Vaart, he couldn’t find the same corner thrice, and his retaken spot-kick went wide; much to Redknapp’s consternation. The Trotters began to display some ambition of their own when a superb Elmander header thudded against the Spurs’ crossbar, while Defoe scored a goal ruled offside. On 55 minutes Daniel Sturridge proved he is well worth a loan spell, when he fired a Mark Davies pass beyond a pretty poor Gomes. Bolton felt cheated when Gary Cahill was sandwiched and went down in the box, only to be booked for ‘simulation’. Jermaine Jenas later struck the post with a free-kick, and in the same passage of play Stephen Pienaar wriggled through and was denied by a sterling Jaaskelainen save. But just when Bolton thought they had held on, substitute Krancjar jinked and cut outside a challenge on the edge of the box before leathering the ball into the roof of the net with his left foot to lift the roof of

White Hart Lane

.

An absolutely dire spectacle at Upton Park, where West Ham succumbed to a typical Nikola Zigic header from a set-piece. The only other noteworthy mention goes to Demba Ba, who cracked the outside of the post late on with a ferocious effort. In between these moments, fans were treated to a theatre of tedium, with mundane passages of play leading to mediocre finishes. Birmingham are far and away the dullest side in the Premier League, and they look as if they will be boring us all the way to survival.

The urge to splurge

After a transfer window deadline day that left most of us agog at the sums of money and calibre of players changing hands, the Premier League resumed, and as if to prove that last-minute shopping can yield the best bargains, three debutants notched important goals that earned points for their new teams.

Manchester United started the game against Aston Villa with the news of Gary Neville’s immediate retirement from playing. Neville has been a United stalwart, loyal to the end and Mr Reliable until he passed 30 and injuries eventually ruined his body. In an illustrious career, Red Nev became England’s most capped right-back, won everything in the domestic game and appeared over 600 times for the Red Devils. This season he has been found badly wanting, and, but for generous refereeing could have been sent off twice. He retires with his dignity intact, and a glittering trophy cabinet to look back on, no doubt during his impending stint on Sky Sports. United started the game with Dimitar Berbatov in scintillating form, but still waiting on Wayne Rooney to hit the goal trail from open play. That wait was ended on 49 seconds, when another impending retiree; Edwin Van Der Sar, launched a kick over the statuesque Richard Dunne for Rooney to kill exquisitely, before crashing into the roof of Brad Friedel’s net. United felt aggrieved later, when Dunne once again was caught out, and clattered into Nani, though Chris Foy saw nothing wrong with the clumsy challenge. United increased their lead when Nani won a tussle with Ciaran Clark on the right wing, before delivering an exceptional cross that Rooney didn’t have to break his stride to stroke into the net. Villa pulled a goal back when Stewart Downing took advantage of a mix-up between three United players to cross with his weaker right foot. Darren Bent arrived in the nick of time to slot it in with his weaker left foot, but Villa’s hopes of a comeback were shattered five minutes later, when the superb Rooney held up the ball in a packed area, before laying back to Nemanja Vidic, who belted the ball in like a seasoned striker. There was still time for Brad Friedel to make great saves from Nani and Rooney, but this was always United’s game.

A rip-roaring game at the Stadium of Light saw a Chelsea team buoyed by the exorbitant signings of David Luiz and Fernando Torres come back strongly to finish off the spirited Mackems. Roman Abramovich clearly decided at the last minute to abandon his policy of preparing for FIFA’s financial fair play legislation for another year, while Chelsea’s dream of one day breaking even under their own steam seems as distant as ever. Still, their fans will be ecstatic that they have left even Manchester City in the shade with the scale of their January outlay. Fernando heard the drums, and declared he had joined the ‘big team’ he had dreamed of playing for; a quote that will be like a hot knife twisting in the craws of Liverpool fans. But Torres was not deployed in this game, which was set alight early on by right-footed left-back Phil Bardsley running at the Chelsea backline, inside the ever-clueless Jon Obi Mikel; who allowed him onto his stronger foot, from which he unleashed a low strike, clean as a whistle into the bottom corner of Cech’s net. On the fifteen minute mark Chelsea were level, as Egyptian Ahmed Elmohamedy, who may have had his mind on other subjects, climbed all over Cashley Cole, who crashed over in his own persecuted manner. Frank Lampard crashed the penalty home, soon followed by a second from Kalou which owed everything to a reckless dash out of his area by Craig Gordon, who made the Ivorian’s finish simple. Just three minutes later Sunderland drew level though, when Kieran Richardson cunningly whipped his free-kick under the jumping wall to fool Petr Cech. Chelsea were unlucky not to go into the break ahead, when a persistent Michael Essien produced a low cross which Branislav Ivanovic nearly split the crossbar with. The hour mark saw Chelsea finally go ahead, after John Terry had come forward to win a corner, then followed in a Lampard parried effort to volley into the ground and past Gordon. Still the game was open, and Chelsea still flooded forward. Nicolas Anelka advanced menacingly to the edge of the box and laid the ball off to the waiting Ramires, only for Kalou to usher him out of the way as he crashed the ball against both posts and away. The game was finally sealed in the last minute, when Florent Malouda kept the ball in on the touchline, before sending a short pass across goal, which Anelka stabbed in with the outside of his boot.

Arsenal kept up their title drive with a resilient comeback win against a plucky Everton, though every week Francesc Fabregas seems intent on carving a reputation as an arrogant enfant terrίble; this time apparently accusing the officials of being bought in the tunnel; normally a red card offence for ‘lesser’ players. The reason for rage was Everton’s opening goal in the 24^th minute, when the ball from Seamus Coleman was clearly delayed too long, leaving Luis Saha a good two yards offside. The flag should have gone up immediately, but stayed down until Laurent Koscielny made a last-ditch attempt at a clearance and inadvertently flicked the ball on for Saha to control and finish, thus rendering it not offside. Arsenal’s argument of course was that the original pass was obviously intended, and heading for, Saha, and the touch from Koscielny should have been academic. After all the complaints fell on deaf ears, Arsenal began to mount a siege, but it wasn’t until Andrei Arshavin’s second half introduction that they got back into the game. Jack Rodwell failed to cut out Cesc Fabregas’ delightful lobbed pass, and Arshavin volleyed in coolly for the equaliser. Five minutes later, Leon Osman was forced to cynically trip Theo Walcott in full flight. The resulting free-kick produced one of the saves of the season from Howard; somehow using both hands to just about parry the ball over the bar. Unfortunately for Howard, the corner that resulted found an unmarked Koscielny who powered his header down and in to send the Gunners’ faithful into raptures.

Mancitti blew their big chance to keep pace with the leaders, when they threw away a victory against struggling Birmingham City. In a huge tactical shock, both notoriously cautious managers played two up front, though when you spend £27 million on a striker, you can’t really justify not playing him, so Mancini’s ploy was nothing if not logical. Mancitti took the lead in just the third minute, when an interchange between Carlos Tevez and David Silva led to a deflected shot from Tevez finding the net. David Bentley was delivering a string of inviting crosses, but it was his low free-kick which yielded an equaliser, when Nikola Zigic ran across Hart’s path and got the faintest of flicks to it to send it in for 1-1. A nasty collision of heads led to Micah Richards being stretchered off; for once Nigel De Jong crocked one of his own; before City retook the lead, after Craig Gardner had fallen over and taken Edin Dzeko with him on the edge of the box. Aleksander Kolarov stepped up to bend the set-piece in superbly. Mancitti then did what they tend to do, which is try to stifle the game and see it out, but Patrick Vieira’s clumsy swipe took out Kevin Phillips, and Craig Gardner rescued a point for Brum with a well-dispatched penalty. In the dying embers of injury time, City had another dangerous free-kick, but this time Kolarov could only shoot just wide of Foster’s post.

An end-to-end game between two strugglers ended in an inevitable draw between West Brom and Wigan. The Baggies might have expected more when a lovely through-ball from Jerome Thomas sent Peter Odemwingie through to stab past the advancing Al-Habsi with less than five minutes on the clock, but a couple of exchanges between Youssouf Mulumbu and Charles N’Zogbia led to the arrears eradicated. First, Mulumbu scythed the French winger down on the edge of the box, and just to top it off then got a significant touch to N’Zogbia’s free-kick to send it past his own goalkeeper. Before half-time, Wigan; the lowest scorers in the Football League; took the lead, when Ben Watson whipped his own free-kick from the opposite side in, and claimed a goal as nobody managed to get a touch. The Baggies mounted a siege to retrieve the game, and Somen Tchoyi found Marc-Antoine Fortune, who cracked a shot against the foot of the post. Some good work from Odemwingie led to Chris Brunt wrapping his left foot around the ball and hitting the other post. Finally, as Wigan tend to do all too often, they surrendered their lead. Jerome Thomas weaved a route into the box and stood the ball up beautifully for Fortune to beat Caldwell to and nod down and in. You could see the life sap from Wigan on conceding the equaliser, but it could have been much worse had Ali Al-Habsi not added to his sizeable collection of ‘save of the season’ contenders. A corner was powered at goal by the head of Jonas Olsson from no more than eight yards, but the Omanian goalkeeper displayed outrageous reflexes once again to throw out a palm and parry it away.

The new-look Liverpool began life post-Torres in impressive form. Kenny Dalglish’s new animal saw off Stoke convincingly, moving up to seventh in the process. These two clubs had both seen a sea-change in the transfer window; Liverpool had lost a world class striker but gained two very good strikers, while losing out on an excellent playmaker. Stoke decided who needs flair when you’ve got big men, and dispatched both players with genuine craft in their game; Tuncay Sanli and Eidur Gudjohnsen; proving that Tony Pulis was never really interested in progressing their one-dimensional ‘death from above’ style. Dalglish lined up with an interesting 3-4-2-1 formation to combat Stoke’s approach, and it paid dividends. The game began with Liverpool predictably on the front foot with their fans behind them, and it took an unbelievable save from Asmir Begovic to keep the scores level. Martin Kelly dinked in a great cross which Glenn Johnson met with a powerful point-blank header, yet the Stoke stopper somehow shot a strong arm up in an instant to parry it away as he fell into the net. Dirk Kuyt had come close twice before Steven Gerrard drilled a laid-off free-kick into a packed penalty area minutes into the second half. It found Sotirios Kyrgiakos, who rather fortuitously miscontrolled to allow Raul Meireles to come onto it and slot past Begovic. Stoke’s token response was John Carew to fire a shot narrowly wide, but the game was over when Dirk Kuyt sent a ball through to Luis Suarez on the shoulder of the last man. After outpacing his marker, Suarez took a touch around the prone Begovic and tapped towards goal. Andy Wilkinson caught up with the goalbound effort, but inexplicably slid his attempted clearance onto the post and in. Stoke lost even the chance of a consolation effort, when Reina instinctively kept out a close-range effort from Jonathan Walters at the death.

West Ham put the crushing disappointment of Carling Cup semi-final elimination behind them as they dispatched a Blackpool side who suddenly find themselves on a run of defeats. As usual with Blackpool, it was a goal-laden affair. An early Frederic Piquionne low cross was horribly miskicked by a Blackpool defender and fell to Victor Obinna at the back post. Fortunately for the Tangerines, the striker scuffed his effort, giving Richard Kingson enough time to plunge low and keep it out. Craig Catchart then had Kingson to thank for preventing him scoring an own goal, but he was rather less forgiving when Obinna turned him inside out and the Ghanaian goalkeeper pulled a ‘Robert Green’; crouching to collect the low shot, only to see it spoon off his hands and into the net. The lead was doubled when Kingson did rather better, making a superb double save from Obinna this time, only to see debutant Robbie Keane slice a volley into the net from close range to start his West Ham career in the perfect manner. Yet three minutes before half-time, Charlie Adam proved his enduring worth when he swung in a low corner that Frederic Piquionne idiotically air-kicked at his front-post, and Robert Green somehow let slip under his body for 2-1. The Tangerines should have gone in at half-time eager to complete their comeback, but within a minute they were once again staring into the abyss. Victor Obinna was given time and space to advance, before unleashing a left-foot missile into Kingson’s top corner to finish the game. The second half saw Neil Eardley crack the angle with a free-kick, while Green had to be at his best to deny Marlon Harewood in the closing stages.

Mick McCarthy looked ready to kill himself after Ronald Zubar threw Wolves’ hard-earned point away in injury time. Wayne Hennessey was particularly ready to deck his colleague, after he had done brilliantly to deny Elmander, Lee and an own goal from Christophe Berra. Kevin Doyle had seen one of his efforts deflect agonisingly onto the post and out, and the game seemed to be heading for a deserved draw. Suddenly Zubar’s moment of braindead stupidity came, when first he sold a team-mate short with a throw inside that he should have sent up the line. He then compounded this by winning the loose ball back and deciding to roll a ridiculous backpass across his own goal, which Bolton new boy Daniel Sturridge raced onto and tucked away. It was such an incredible act of sporting suicide that you almost expected an official investigation to be launched into suspicious betting patterns. If Zubar wasn’t so big you could have guaranteed McCarthy throttling him in the changing rooms.

Tottenham may have missed out on Charlie Adam, but most observers would suggest they need a striker rather more than yet another playmaker. This game was settled by an under-performing striker; with Peter Crouch nodding in a deep cross from Rafael Van Der Vaart, before clearing off his own line at the other end. Blackburn have made great strides in expanding their game under Steve Kean, though they still utilise Paul Robinson’s mule kicks. Mame Biryam Diouf and Morten Gamst Pedersen came close for Rovers, and with the last attack of the game Jermaine Jenas somehow deflected Jason Roberts’ powerful downward header just over his own crossbar. Still, Rovers can’t be too disappointed with their current run, much better than many expected under a completely untested manager. Harry meanwhile will be quietly confident of reclaiming that Champions League slot for next season.

With some last minute bargain-hunting, Mark Hughes seems to have compiled an impressive Fulham squad. Gael Kakuta made a decent impression on his debut, while Newcastle fans will be a lot more anxious at their chances of survival post-Carroll. When your most recognised striker is Shola Ameobi, you know you’re in trouble. The Toon fans laid into old favourite Damien ‘Duffer’, who lived up to his dumb nickname last season when he scored the own goal that sent Newcastle down, and this time they had more reason to hate him, as he relished scoring the goal that separated the sides. New signing Steve Sidwell’s day nearly became a nightmare when he came within a whisker of an own goal, but when Jose Enrique allowed Danny Murphy’s long ball to bounce, Duff seized on the chance to win the match.

Until next time…