Monday 25 October 2010

Own goal maestros return

It’s been a very quiet work in the surreal goldfish bowl of the Barclays Premier League, yawn-inducing even. Oh wait, no, Wayne Rooney held his club to ransom didn’t he?
Whether he wanted to draw attention to the parasitical Glazers bleeding the club dry or not, Rooney has ironically succeeded only in making himself look every bit as avaricious as them, while his agent, who Andy Cole has suggested loves the lucre more than any client (who would have thought), comes out of the whole debacle very much richer. So you love football so much you’d play it for free Wayne? Thanks for debunking that myth for us.

Aside from that sideshow, there was a full programme of fixtures to get our teeth into, and the theme this week saw the welcome return of two own-goal kings. Well, Scott Carson is also starting to make a name in that field, but that’s another story.

First, we doff our caps to the calamitous defending of Mr Richard Dunne, a man of many records. At one stage he was recorded as the heaviest outfield player in Premiership history, and to this honour he has added most red cards, joint with Patrick Vieira and Duncan Ferguson. But this weekend, he finally claimed his rightful place at the top of the own-goal tree: a magnificent eight O.G.s in a career defined by clumsiness.
It was Dunne’s stupendous stupidity that won the game for Sunderland, after another much-maligned figure; Emile Heskey had made a good case for Villa snatching the points from the newly-intimidating fortress of the Stadium of Light. Not many visiting teams leave with the points these days, though when a Heskey flick-on was played through by Ashley Young, Stewart Downing will be disappointed to only hit the upright. Nigel Reo-Coker went down under the approaches of two ex-Wigan stalwarts; Cattermole and another dopey defensive king Titus Bramble, but did not move the official. In the 24th minute, Steed Malbranque won a vital 50-50 with Stylian Petrov on the touchline, before delivering a teasing cross that James Collins stooped to head out, before defensive partner Dunne took charge to volley it off his head and into his own net. Danny Wellbeck nearly increased the lead but for the reactions of Friedel, but in the second period Heskey joined Dunne in the farcical moments reel, when a low cross was missed by goalkeeper Mignolet, leaving Heskey an open goal which he contrived to miss with a comical air-kick as the ball passed between his feet. Villa seemed to take control when Gerard Houllier brought on Albrighton for Ireland and moved Young behind Heskey, and Downing tried his luck at winning a penalty late on, but the final say went to Sunderland; Bardsley’s long hoof reaching substitute Asamoah Gyan, who made a real mess of the chance to leave the final score at a narrow 1-0 to the Wearsiders.

The battle for second place began at the Potteries, where Rooney-less Manchester United took on Stoke, who had never even scored a goal against their visitors since their promotion two seasons ago. Fergie started young Mexican Javier Hernandez alongside Dimitar Berbatov, while John O’Shea was drafted in at left-back to cope better with Stoke’s considerable aerial threat. This left the intriguing selection of Patrice Evra on the left wing, and the slightly baffling return of stalwart Gary Neville at right-back. It was Red Nev’s 600th United appearance, though cynics, including yours truly, have suggested he may have considered retirement at closer to 500. United defended impeccably, and dictated the game in midfield through Fletcher and Scholes. They deservedly took the lead on 26 minutes, when a deep cross from Nani was headed back across goal by Nemanja Vidic for Hernandez to incredibly corkscrew his neck to divert the ball in with the back of his head. Gary Neville had been somewhat harshly booked for what looked like a hard but fair challenge when he started tailing Matty Etherington on the left touchline. The whole stadium knew what Etherington was about to do, but Gary Neville proved you’re never too experienced to make a brainless lunge; wiping out Etherington as he knocked the ball past the ageing full-back. It was a certain yellow card, but Andre Marriner, perhaps mindful of the severity of his first caution, let him off with a stern talking-to. Stoke channelled their frustrations into getting down and dirty, particularly Danny Collins, nearly crocking Nani as he flew in with ugly lunges time and again. When Abdoulaye Faye sold Sorensen short with a backpass, Hernandez almost had a second goal to celebrate as Sorensen’s clearance cannoned off him and just over the crossbar.
The second period saw Evra claiming a penalty after he had raced through, only to be taken down slyly by Rory Delap, and Hernandez went agonisingly close when Van Der Sar launched a counter-attack which culminated in Berbatov’s lovely cross flashed back across goal an eyelash wide of the far post by the Mexican. The game was following the pattern of United’s recent away games, in that they had dominated, only to fail to kill the game off. That omen seemed to come true when Pulis sent in the flair, with Tuncay and later Gudjohnsen adding craft to Stoke’s brawn. When Paul Scholes failed to cut out a wide pass from Mark Wilson, the recipient; Tuncay, bore down on goal, cut inside Evra and unleashed a glorious strike into Van Der Sar’s top corner for the equaliser on 81 minutes. The natives went crazy, but they were silenced less than 5 minutes later, when a purposeful Berbatov exchanged passes on the edge of Stoke’s 18 before dinking a crafty cross that was flicked on by Scholes for Evra to control on the far post and drive across a packed penalty box, where the wily Hernandez was waiting to poach himself the winner. There was still time for a barnstorming save from Sorensen, after Berbatov had laid off to Nani, whose deflected strike was arrowing into the roof of the net before the defiant hand of the Dane kept the scoreline narrow.

Mancitti missed the chance to close the gap on Chelski after being outgunned by the Gunners at Eastlands. Carlos Tevez wriggled past Johann Djorou early on and sent in a low cross that diminutive Spaniard David Silva backheeled spectacularly towards goal, only to meet with a fantastic reflex save from previously-maligned Lukasz Fabianski. The game was effectively cancelled as a spectacle when Dedryk Boyata got himself sent off on 4 minutes; the last man scything down Marouane Chamakh just outside the box. Arsenal soon took control when Baccary Sagna sent in an inviting cross, but an unmarked Djorou fluffed his header spectacularly. The prolific scoring midfielder Samir Nasri got in on the act again on 20 minutes; exchanging passes inside a packed penalty box with Andrei Arshavin before firing home. Manchester City were not completely submissive, and committed men forward when James Milner fed the roving Micah Richards, who whipped a left-foot strike narrowly wide of the upright, but the game was almost over when Vincent Kompany wiped out Francesc Fabregas for an Arsenal penalty. Fabregas stepped up on his welcome return, but Joe Hart plunged full length to his left to save superbly. The Gunners then had further chances to put the game to bed when Chamakh outmuscled a defender, but Nasri and Fabregas over-elaborated to waste the opportunity.
Mancini sent on Gunners favourite Emmanuel Adebayor for the injured Tevez on 52 minutes, and City seemed revitalised. Fabianski saved well again after Barry had put in Silva. Emmanuel then screwed up big time; heading a glorious chance over before responding with one of his goofy grins. Mancitti were made to rue this when Wayne Bridge intercepted a Fabregas pass, only for the loose ball to fall to the feet of Alexandre Song, who capitalised fully with a goal. Fabregas cut swathes through the blue moon when setting up Chamakh, who blazed over, but when Walcott and Bendtner came on the game was settled. Samir Nasri was the only one alive to keeping a loose ball in as full-time approached; advancing and feeding Nicklas Bendtner who strode on before finishing adeptly past Hart. In a late surge, Adebayor was brilliantly tackled at the last by Clichy, and Fabianski brilliantly fingertipped over a piledriver from Mario Balotelli to make it a perfect afternoon’s work for the Gunners.

Chelsea retained their 5 point advantage with an unexpectedly tight 2-0 victory over Wolves. They welcomed back Jose Bosingwa’s rampaging runs to their armoury, and the mono-browed Portuguese right-back had an early chance saved by Hahnemann. Another player they welcomed back was talisman Didier Drogba, but you wouldn’t know it by his performance; his only real opportunity coming when he was sent one-on-one with Hahnemann, who flew out of his box to tackle the hesitant Ivorian. Petr Cech had a surprising amount of work to do, the main opportunities for Wolves coming in the air, from crosses by Jarvis and Foley. Those tame finishes were compounded when Zhirkov and Anelka combined, and the Russian slid the ball across to Florent Malouda, who netted the opener. John Terry decided to help Wolves cause when he gave the ball to Nenad Milijas, who unleashed a tame effort. Stephen Hunt nearly made himself even more of a Stamford Bridge villain when he ironically put his head in at Zhirkov’s feet and nodded goalward, but Michael Essien showed Charlie Adam how to calmly kill a ball in your own six-yard box. Kevin Doyle’s effort was saved after a nice Wolves move, and Ward stung Cech’s hands, before Chelsea made the game safe, Salomon Kalou netting from an incisive Essien through-ball.

Tottenham followed up their midweek exertions with a decent draw against a resurgent Everton, though Gareth Bale understandably looked lethargic. The game began brightly. A sharp Luka Modric shot was saved by Howard in a statement of intent, but it was Everton who took the lead against the run of play. Ayegbeni Yakubu went down dubiously easily under a challenge from Younes Kaboul 25 yards from goal, and we were treated to a free-kick second in quality only to Alex’s a few weeks back. Leighton Baines stepped up and bent an exquisite shot over the wall and snugly into the ‘postage stamp’ for a Toffees’ opener. Tim Howard soon proceeded to let Baines down, when two minutes later he attempted to fist a deep cross clear with one hand, only succeeding in flapping it on to Peter Crouch; the ricochet falling to Van Der Vaart on the goal-line, who duly equalised.
Peter Crouch failed to find a second when he headed straight at Howard, after being found by a great Hutton cross, and in a dire second half the only real highlight was Roman Pavlyuchenko cantering through in the dying stages, caught in two minds before having his hesitant shot blocked by Sylvain Distin.

In an early six-pointer, strugglers Liverpool took on the team above them in 17th: Blackburn Rovers. Blackburn have a lousy record at Anfield, and they were missing mighty defender Christopher Samba, so the odds were with the Scousers. Liverpool began with attacking intent not seen in some weeks. Fernando Torres and Maxi Rodriguez exchanged passes to set up Joe Cole, whose instinctive finish was instinctively kept out by Robinson’s foot; the rebound falling to Raul Meireles, who missed a practically open goal. Muscular Greek defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos took it upon himself to offer an aerial threat going forward, and his header was well tipped over by the alert Robinson, before the former England ‘keeper kept out Steven Gerrard from a lightning counter-attack; words you haven’t heard associated with Liverpool for a while. Raul Meireles, trying to make amends for his earlier sitter miss, had a shot blocked by Salgado’s head, while how Maxi Rodriguez failed to convert Steven Gerrard’s tantalising cross only he will know.
Liverpool finally got what they were looking for just after half-time, when Kyrgiakos once again towered to thump a header in via the dozy Olsson on the post, but within 3 minutes they had given their hard-earned lead away. Benjani glided past Martin Skrtel, who seemed terrified of giving away a penalty, before sending in a low cross that Anfield favourite Diouf bundled through Jamie Carragher’s legs. The comedy of errors was complete when the apologetic shot was kicked against Carragher by a frantic Konchesky, going in off old Carra to mean he is breathing down Richard Dunne’s neck in the all-time own-goals count. Liverpool fans must have feared the worst, but they had no need to fear, for they had reckoned without the intervention of Fernando Torres, who always scores against Blackburn. A Joe Cole delivery was flicked on by, who else, Kyrgiakos, and it found Torres, poaching like the striker of old at the back post. No more than they deserved, and the Kop breathed a collective sigh of relief, though Blackburn still keep Liverpool in the relegation zone on goal difference.

Fulham have sunk badly since losing their unbeaten record, and they lost a lead at the Hawthorns; the latest victims of the best Baggies side in recent years. Fulham were shorn of the bulk of their strongest midfield as well as talisman Bobby Zamora, but Albion could also point to missing star man Peter Odemwingie. Of course, the other star of Albion’s team is generally Chris Brunt, at the heart of most of their best moves. When Youssouf Mulumbu lost possession in a dangerous area on 8 minutes, the ball ended up at the feet of former Albion hero Zoltan Gera, who sent in a shot that cannoned off the post and against the man who is not adverse to a howler; Scott Carson for a cracking own-goal. Fulham’s issues last week might have been resolved had Diomansy Kamara been in more clinical form, and he continued that theme when he fired a good chance wide. Mulumbu then made amends for his cock-up by scoring, though he looked suspiciously offside from Chris Brunt’s excellent through-ball on 17 minutes. Stephen Kelly then had to intervene on the goal-line after Jonas Olsson’s looping header from a Baggies’ corner. Another Brunt through-ball minutes before half-time found Jerome Thomas, who continued his good form by finding Marc-Antoine Fortune for the second Albion goal, but again Thomas raised suspicions of offside from the original pass. James Morrison must have been kicking himself when he missed a great chance from a Brunt cross, while Paul Scharner had a decent effort saved, and Morrison had time to flick a long clearance by Carson wide of the target in a game Albion dominated and thoroughly deserved to win, sending them up to fourth for their best ever top-flight start. Kudos, Roberto.

Alex McLeish successfully nullified Blackpool’s exuberant attacking game to finally end their wretched run of form. The Blues had drawn two and lost three of their last five, but finally got a victory at St Andrews, courtesy of an excellent all-action display from giant Serbian Nikola Zigic. Cynics will point to the fact that yet again Birmingham have won by changing to two up-front, but McLeish probably refutes that connection. An early Sebastian Larsson free-kick was well saved by Matt Gilks, but it wasn’t all one-way traffic, with Taylor-Fletcher in particular a threat at the opposite end. Brum took the lead after the half hour through Liam Ridgewell, who nodded a corner from back to front post, where Zigic towered above two defenders to head against the angle, leaving Ridgewell to gratefully score the rebound from the unconventional ‘one-two’. Alexander Hleb, deployed behind O’Connor and Zigic, began to show signs of his previous form, but just before the hour-mark it was defender Roger Johnson who brilliantly kept a loose ball in play right on the touchline inside the penalty box, leading to ‘pool Captain Charlie Adam attempting to calmly trap a cross inside his six-yard box. His heavy touch was dispatched by Zigic to leave the Scotsman burying his head in shame. Adam’s late snapshot at the other end was well saved, while Foster made a magnificent save from a deflected Vaughan effort. Perhaps it was the uncharacteristically poor showing of Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney, but Blackpool were stifled, and need to regroup after being found out in the Second City.

Wigan Athletic stretched their unbeaten run to 4 games, after holding a Bolton side who stretched their own run to 6. Unfortunately, James McCarthy was carried off after a questionable challenge from Fabrice Muamba. Most would call it fair, but others would question the fairness of ploughing in from behind off the ground when the receiving player is standing, leaving no chance of injury to the tackler, every chance to the unsuspecting victim. Wigan nearly took the lead early on after Gretar Steinsson’s poor touch let in Hugo Rodallega, but the Colombian finished wastefully. A lovely Wigan move orchestrated by the in-form N’Zogbia opened the scoring. The French winger made ground in the middle of the park before feeding Di Santo just outside the box. There was a hint of offside, but Di Santo ignored this to slide the ball around the last man to the alert Rodallega, who this time finished consummately across Jaaskelainen.
Wigan had Chris Kirkland back in goal, unable to pick Al-Habsi against his parent club, and he was picking the ball out of his net eight minutes later, when two defenders attempted and failed to intercept Kevin Davies’ knock-down, leaving Elmander free to poke it in from close-range. Manchester United prospect Tom Cleverley came on late, and had a decent effort spilled to no reward.

The Hammers remain rock-bottom after conceding a lead to lose at home to Newcastle. After news of the pugilistic Carroll taking up residence at Chez Nolan, the two combined masterfully to engineer this comeback. West Ham’s dynamic front three of Obinna, Cole and Piquionne started well, with a crafty Noble through-ball finding Coolio lookalike Piquionne, who fired across goal for Cole to bundle in on the line. Newcastle felt they may have had a penalty when Andy Carroll bizarrely reacted to a Gutierrez cross by corkscrewing over Matthew Upson, but the referee correctly gave nothing. Joey Barton was having a good crossing day, starting when he found Carroll at the back stick, who nodded it down under pressure for landlord Nolan to bury with his left foot. West Ham’s counter-thrust came from Obinna, jinking and swerving before his low cross was taken off Cole’s foot by Fabricio Coloccini. Another fabulous Barton cross into the corridor of uncertainty was ignored by the Hammers defence, leaving Carroll to dive and head in from close-range on 68 minutes, which proved to be the winner. Danny Gabbidon later deflected Barton and Ameobi efforts, which narrowly went over and wide.

Goodbye. Until next time.

Monday 18 October 2010

Quickfire goal gluts abound


After another dismal international break for the home nations, the frenetic fracas of the Premier League made a welcome return. In the interim, we’ve had the issues of avaricious owners clinging to power, and Danny Murphy earning the respect of many outside of the Premier League management and player communities by condemning mindless challenges.

Manchester United’s habit of giving away points like early Christmas presents continued at Old Trafford this time, sharing just a point with West Bromwich Albion, having been 2 goals up at half-time. It looked like a regulation victory when Scott Carson did what he does best, spilling a Nani free-kick conveniently into Javier Hernandez’ path, who gobbled up the chance after just 5 minutes. Marc-Antoine Fortune bustled down the line minutes later and sent in a low cross, leaving an open goal for Chris Brunt before Rafael lunged in and stabbed out for a corner, unspotted by the officials but lauded by his team-mates. Dimitar Berbatov seemed to have returned to his pre-Liverpool form when Michael Carrick found him in space in the centre of the box, only to screw his absolute sitter wide, but when Nicky Shorey fell over near the halfway line, Nani poached the ball and exchanged passes with the Bulgarian, before dispatching Berbatov’s cool layback into Carson’s net.
The second half began with United on the front foot. An audacious display of footwork and dinked cross from Nani was nodded against the foot of the post by Nemanja Vidic. It seemed that the gap would only increase, yet on 50 minutes an awkward free-kick near the touchline was taken with a thunderous daisy-cutter from Chris Brunt. The ball found its way through the two-man wall and clipped the inside of Patrice Evra’s knee, deflecting over the line before Van Der Sar palmed out for Vidic to bundle back in under pressure.
United were clearly shaken, and perhaps needed to see out 15 minutes to regain the ascendancy, but it was not to be. A litany of defensive errors 5 minutes later ended with a floated Brunt cross being inexplicably dropped by Mr Reliable Van Der Sar to the feet of the impressive Cameroonian midfielder Somen Tchoyi to equalise. United’s efforts to regain their lead were unusually sporadic, with Anderson unfortunate to see his drive parried out into the danger area but back into Carson’s arms off his own defender. The beleaguered Rooney came on, along with Paul Scholes, but he looked a shadow of his former self; his only influence coming when a dubious backpass free-kick was scuffed to an Albion defender on the goal-line.

The only other unbeaten side Fulham finally lost that proud record when they came unstuck against Tottenham Hotspur at Craven Cottage. Although they had the comeback of Moussa Dembele to lift their spirits, Fulham could not work their way back after Spurs had overturned a one goal deficit. Aaron Hughes had nodded a glorious chance over the bar, after talking head Murphy had robbed the dozy Modric, before roving left-back Carlos Salcido drilled a howitzer inches over. Diomansy Kamara celebrated his own injury comeback with a goal on the half-hour, after the industrious Clint Dempsey had spun and wriggled and taken two defenders out of the game with a craftily disguised pass across the box for the unmarked Frenchman to slot into the unguarded net. It was a little careless that Fulham then contrived to concede an equaliser within 2 minutes, though it was a sumptuous moment of magnificence from the imperious Van Der Vaart which created it. Having taken an awkward ball down just inside the box, the Dutch playmaker then steadied himself, and as a challenge came in, found calm in the melee to deftly chip the ball onto the underside of the crossbar, leaving Pavlyuchenko on the goal-line to capitalise. Fulham responded with another full-frontal blast; Hughes’ belted clearance finding Kamara, who belted it goalwards, only to meet with Gomes’ reflexes. There was still time for a Lennon cross to find Van Der Vaart lurking with intent at the back post, but somehow Schwarzer’s foot kept out his volley.
In the second half, Chris Baird tested Gomes again with a powerful header tipped over by the Brazilian, but when a Spurs corner was only cleared to Huddlestone on the edge of the ‘D’, Fulham were left counting the cost, as the big Englishman drilled typically through a ruck of defenders and into the bottom corner. William Gallas was flagged offside but was judged not to have interfered, despite swinging at the ball. Carlos Salcido then got involved heavily, missing a glorious chance that fell to him in a frantic penalty area, before making a sublime last-ditch block as Van Der Vaart looked to cash in. Diomansy Kamara’s afternoon ended with remorse, as he missed a number of very presentable opportunities to make himself the hero of the piece.

Arsenal took advantage of United’s slip to move into second place, avoiding a third defeat in a row with a comeback victory against Birmingham at the Emirates. Alexander Hleb returned to not haunt his old club, while it was Tottenham old boy Stephen Carr who proved an early thorn in their side, making a brilliant last-ditch block after Chamakh and Wilkshere had strolled through the Birmingham team exchanging passes. Sebastien Squillaci had his momentous headed goal moment ruined by the linesman on 17 minutes, and another Arsenal old boy almost gave them a gift; Sebastian Larsson inexplicably killing the ball and leaving it to Carr deep inside his own box, only for Gael Clichy to rampage onto it and fire narrowly wide. Clichy is now the only surviving member of Arsenal’s ‘Invincibles’ team, a curious circumstance when you consider he was the worst. When Serbian beanpole Nikola Zigic effortlessly nodded in Fahey’s cross, you felt it was same old Gunners, but five minutes before half-time, Scott Dann shot his own side in the foot, by falling over and being unable to resist offering his foot, which Marouane Chamakh gratefully did a double-pike with a twist over. Samir Nasri bagged the penalty, and the second half laid itself bare for the Gunners to seize.
Jack Wilshere did not set the world alight for Bolton, but perhaps all he needed was more of the ball, because back at Arsenal he looks a class act, gliding about the pitch like an air-hockey puck, trading passes with the greatest of ease. After he chested the ball expertly to Alexandre Song on the edge of the penalty area, he received a return and stabbed a lovely through-ball to Marouane Chamakh, who pirouetted slightly fortunately past Scott Dann and Ben Foster to net for 2-1 just after the break. There was not much more to shout about until Wilshere proved there is more to his game than finesse when he received a red card for a late studs-up tackle on Nikola Zigic, which was a bit like chopping down the magic beanstalk.

Mancitti soon knocked Arsenal off their perch with an excellent, if slightly fortunate victory against plucky Blackpool at Bloomfield Road. Carlos Tevez seemed to have gotten over his poor recent form, starting as he meant to go on when David Vaughan was forced to cut out his centre to strike partner Emmanuel Adebayor. That’s right, strike partner. Roberto Mancini, in a staggering show of positivity, started with two strikers for the first time this season. Not that Adebayor had much influence at all before being hauled off on 65 minutes, after which time the game somewhat remarkably exploded into life. Blackpool had dominated the first half, but after David Silva came on, and Mancini went back to what he knows best, the scoring started. Gary Taylor-Fletcher was gutted to be denied a brilliantly taken goal by the linesman’s flag, despite it being Grandin who was offside rather than himself. DJ Campbell also missed a glorious chance, after being found in yards of space in front of goal by Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney; controlling but slotting the ball wide. The Tangerines were made to pay on 67 minutes, when James Milner and David Silva combined to fire in a low cross, which Carlos Tevez brilliantly adjusted to flick in, though replays showed he was clearly offside.
James Milner scampered through soon after and lifted the ball over Gilks, but his effort was soft enough for Neal Eardley to belt it off the goal-line. Milner then struck the bar with a superb effort, and Blackpool were reeling. Though it seemed the game was only going one way, Marlon Harewood stepped off the bench to flick in a Charlie Adam free-kick for an unlikely equaliser. The roof was lifted, but crashed back down little more than a minute later, when the bustling Tevez tried to win back possession on the edge of the box and clearly kicked Ian Evatt in the calf, knocking him off his stride before robbing him and smashing in a shot, which was deflected into the opposite corner by an unfortunate Blackpool defender. Somehow, Phil Dowd allowed the goal, and Mancitti took the initiative, Tevez hitting the crossbar before they grabbed a fabulous third, when the diminutive Spaniard Silva cut in and out, leaving three players on their backsides before curling the ball home exquisitely. Game over, but the mental resilience of ‘Olly’s Army saw them mount a late siege and claim a second, with Taylor-Fletcher bundling in a flick-on on the goal-line.

The most important Merseyside derby in many moons ended in an embarrassingly easy victory for the blue half of the region. After Tom and Jerry were bombed out of Liverpool this week, forced to walk alone, the Kopites dared to think positive once more. Their new owner John Henry sat beaming in the stands, but will have been pretty bemused at what he witnessed. The problem is that Liverpool are drowning in problems. Last season their saving grace was their untouchable two: Torres and Gerrard, now better known as Samson and Injunction. Gerrard’s diabolical form is no doubt down to similar reasons as Wayne Rooney: the mental turmoil of screwing up your private life; ‘screwing’ being the operative word. But we’re not here to discuss who or what Gerrard made pregnant in the absence of his wife. Fernando meanwhile has no real excuse, unless he had actually injured his ability. His natural hair makes him look like the bland man on the street, and play like one. So when your two game-savers go to pot, who can you rely on? If Dirk Kuyt’s the answer, then what was the question? Oh and he’s crocked. What about Joe Cole? Well he looks like he’s already regretting leaving the bright lights of London. David N’Gog? Now we’re stretching it. Aside from the dearth of talent at his disposal, Uncle Roy seems to be blind to the fact that the wings are a very potent source of chance creation. Despite Cole and later Babel playing, next to no balls were fed wide, and Everton were relishing a team with few great passers attempting to pass through them. Of Hodgson’s signings, Cole looks lost, Konchesky looks out of his depth and as for Raul Meireles…with his tattoos, skinhead and surly sneer he looks like an Eastern European gangster, but on this evidence he is indeed a Portuguese lightweight: anyone who is muscled off the ball by Leighton Baines has reason for concern. Liverpool could sorely use the kind of incisive run and cross that exciting full-back prospect Seamus Coleman provided for Tim Cahill to crash in on 34 minutes. Or the decisive finish provided by Mikel Arteta in the second half, with the luck of Yakubu not being flagged, despite blocking Reina’s view of the strike. As the game wore on, Torres decided to try his luck and hurl himself to the ground in the penalty box, a fact not welcomed by Phil Jagielka. Jermaine Beckford was sent on and promptly tried the same trick at the opposite end under a non-challenge from the intimidating Slovak Martin Skrtel; once again resembling some kind of evil egg. Liverpool only seemed to create one outstanding chanced in the game’s dying embers, but a low cross was brilliantly cut out by Distin, with N’Gog waiting to tap in from four yards. So Everton shoot up to 11th, while Liverpool find only West Ham below them on goal difference.

Chelski missed the chance to go 100 points clear when they could only manage a goalless draw against Gerard Houllier’s steely Aston Villa side. With Drogba and Lampard out, the odds were on a low-scoring game, and Villa were, for once, ruing the lack of Emile Heskey. Stephen Ireland sent an early chance wide after being put through on goal by Downing, and Carew did likewise with another presentable opening. A goalmouth scramble led to bodies flying, the most potent being big Serbian Branislav Ivanovic, who blocked Ireland’s goal-bound effort. At the other end, Friedel kept out Malouda and Anelka.
The second half saw Ivanovic crack the post with a brilliant header, while Ciaran Clark glanced a header from a free-kick off the Chelsea woodwork. Chelski were ruing their luck when Cashley Cole threw in a cross that Anelka adjusted to all wrong, pounding his header against the turf and back up against the crossbar, but Villa could have won the game themselves when Nigel Reo-Coker robbed Chelski youngster Josh McEachran and raced through one-on-one. Unfortunately, Reo-Coker become Real-Choker, and the chance went wide.

Wigan Athletic were devastated, after they seemed to have fired themselves up the table with a superb smash-and-grab raid at St James’ Park, only for Newcastle to snatch a point at the death.
It was inevitable that the target of the boo-boys, the returning Charles Insomnia, would make the difference for Wigan. The threatening Franco Di Santo made ground down the right flank, and swung in a cross which deflected to take the pace out of it. With two Newcastle defenders apparently taking a relieved breather, N’Zogbia rose to plant a header back across goal past Tim Krul. Newcastle seemed to still be feeling sorry for themselves when little more than a minute later, that man Di Santo crossed again for N’Zogbia to take the ball down, and in a flash crack it past Krul, with the aid of a deflection. 2 minutes, 2-0 to Wigan. Newcastle responded, but Wigan captain Antolin Alcaraz cleared brilliantly underneath his own crossbar, with the resulting corner having to be cleared off the line from Williamson by Emerson Boyce. The second half saw Wigan sit back a little too much, and they paid in the 72nd minute, when a dipping Gutierrez cross was met by a stooping Ameobi, who scored from point-blank range. Top scorer Andy Carroll, who seems to have gone off the boil, then nodded a corner wide, and received a booking for childishly punching the ball out of Al-Habsi’s hands to score. When Joey Barton sent in a deep cross, Carroll missed a glorious opportunity at the back post, and it seemed as if Wigan had hung on. But, in the last throes of stoppage time, a corner was flicked on to the back post, where Magpies captain Fabriccio Coloccini thumped a close-range header into the net to salvage a draw from the jaws of defeat.

It was the Trotters versus the Potters at the Reebok, and the Trotters came out on top. Stoke, one of the teams referred to as a spoiling team by Danny Murphy, were typically belligerent, though Bolton took the lead when the man I had just taken out of my fantasy team, Chung-Yong Lee, typically gave me a kick in the teeth by scoring an excellent goal that owed a debt to perseverance and quick feet. Jermaine Pennant continued to remind what he can do when his free-kick struck the crossbar, while Fabrice Muamba missed a gilt-edged opening created by Johan Elmander. An element of Stoke (and Blackburn)’s game which wasn’t necessarily referred to by Murphy was the underhand cheating deployed in packed penalty boxes by them. Tony Pulis claimed Stoke should have had a penalty when Zat Knight inexplicably handled inside the box, conveniently overlooking the fact that German tank Robert Huth had given him a good shove to send him flying, a tactic he has deployed before when Stoke had a goal disallowed earlier in the season. We should applaud referees for spotting these sly infringements, though Pulis may think that the fact Huth is twice the size of El-Hadji Diouf counts against him when these incidents are judged. Huth then participated in a more honest way to get Stoke back into the game, flicking on a corner at the start of the second half for Rory Delap to gleefully steer in from four yards. Jussi Jaaskelainen made an excellent save from Dean Whitehead to keep the scores level, before an almighty scramble ensued after Sorensen spilled an easy save to the feet of Davies, but somehow proved enough of an obstacle to keep out the tap-in; the ball rolling across the face of goal begging to be finished but finding no takers. There was no time to regret, for the ball found its way into the box from the resulting throw, Delap fluffed a clearance, and substitute Ivan Klasnic spun brilliantly to find the corner. Within a few minutes, Klasnic then decided to intervene in a scuffle between Matt Taylor and Dean Whitehead by cuffing the Stoke player in the face, an offence for which he may have expected red. He did indeed get his marching orders mere minutes later, with a second yellow for jumping into Rory Delap. Quite a 15 minute cameo from the Croatian, and Bolton claimed their first home victory of the season.

 West Ham stayed rock bottom, but will be ruing a controversial decision in the closing stages that robbed them of all three points. The wolves were at Mick McCarthy’s door relating to those Danny Murphy claims, but he shrugged it off with a magnificent post-match comment about being angry that his team dominated a first half with free-flowing football rather than ‘knocking seven bells’ out of their opponents. Robert Green returned to his usual form, flapping after a spell of inept defending for Matt Jarvis to guide a volley into the empty net, though he did save well from David Jones and beat Richard Stearmann to the punch to keep the deficit at one. Not long after half-time, Victor Obinna hit the deck under pressure from Kevin Foley, and Mark Noble gratefully bagged the penalty to equalise. Frederic Piquionne then decided to get involved, and after being set up by a lovely ball from Boa Morte, proceeded to hit the crossbar so hard the rebound ricocheted out for a throw-in. As the game seemingly began to peter out to a tame draw, Piquionne once again got involved, exchanging passes in a tight area with Mark Noble, took the return on his chest and slid beautifully under the advancing Hahnemann, only for Mark Clattenburg to incorrectly book Piquionne for handball, denying the Hammers a vital win.


Until Saturday comes once more, I bid thee farewell.

Tuesday 5 October 2010

Gunners fire blanks at the Bridge, while it's Double-Dutch at the Lane

Some things never change, while some things change unexpectedly. Arsenal proved impotent at the Bridge for the umpteenth time, while Birmingham, unbeaten for a year at St Andrews, lost at home to the only previously winless team. Tottenham learnt how to win following Champions League exertions, while Manchester United dropped away points for the third time.


If you were to write an outline for Chelsea against Arsenal at Stamford Bridge it would probably read: ‘Arsenal on top; dominate early possession; lots of chances missed; Chelsea score against run of play before half-time, most likely through Drogba; Arsenal work way back into game and look set to equalise after long spell of sustained pressure; Chelsea counter and kill game off again against the run of play.’ It’s happened in almost every fixture since Mourinho took over, and it never looked like changing on Sunday.
Arsene Wenger may be a gifted coach in the art of fluent football, but his big weakness is still not respecting the strengths of his opponents. Wenger never believes in altering tactics to counter the opposition, and he pays for this time and again against the strongest Premiership teams. Chelsea know exactly how Arsenal will play, structure their tactics to contain them, and launch their own sucker-punches. History depressingly repeats itself as far as Gunners fans are concerned, though this generic outcome could have been avoided had Laurent Koscielny not offered up a contender for Frederic Piquionne’s miss of the century award. A corner flicked on at the near post found Koscielny with not a man to bother him four yards from goal, though he inexplicably appeared to turn his back in mid-air, allowing the ball to strike him on the back of the neck and loop over the crossbar, to the general disbelief of everyone present. The game began furiously, racing from one end to the other, with Samir Nasri looking particularly incisive for Arsenal. Despite this, a decent Petr Cech save from an Arshavin strike was pretty much all Arsenal had to show for their early endeavour, while Fabianski kept out a Drogba snapshot at his near post.
Credit has to go to Arsenal’s reserve goalkeeper, who looked like the worst in Premier League history last season, but did what he had to well in this game. Despite his efforts, the inevitable happened before the first half was over. After Squillaci had given away a needless free-kick, he helpfully rolled the ball back to Chelsea to launch a quick counter-attack. The ball was lost momentarily, before gangly Brazilian Ramires won a vital challenge, receiving the return from Mikel and finding a penetrating pass through to Cashley Cole on the left wing, whose low centre was guided against the post and in by the pirouetting Drogba. Chelsea’s new signings were finding their feet, while Arsenal’s, especially Chamakh and Squillaci, were bottling it. In the second half Arsenal continued to enjoy impotent possession, while Anelka almost sewed the game up after battering the hapless Squillaci off the ball and rounding Fabianski. To Fabianski’s credit, he stayed on his feet long enough to send Anelka wide enough for him to miss the open net. Cashley had a tantrum at having a goal disallowed against the club who wouldn’t meet his ‘meagre’ wage demands way back when, before Anelka was taken down on the edge of the box. Fans were then treated to one of the finest free-kicks they will ever see, when the Brazilian who can actually defend; nightclub doorman look-a-like Alex, used his cannon of a right foot to swerve a howitzer around the edge of the wall and almost through the top of the net.


The Liverpool fans gutted and disgusted at losing to Blackpool at Anfield, saying it is a new low, were surely missing the point. Liverpool have been losing to Premiership relegation favourites at Anfield for years! Remember Barnsley in 1997? Or Watford in 1999?


Ignoring these omens, this result was staggering, more for the complete ineptitude of the home team against Premier League newcomers than the score-line, which actually flattered the Liverest of Pools.
The Pool of Black were playing at Anfield for the first time since 1971, and tore into their challenge, dominating the first half. Jose Reina had to beat out an early Charlie Adam free-kick, while a low Torres cross was missed by Joe Cole, after Eardley had breathed down his neck. Liver’s challenge ceased the moment that Fernando heard the drums and was forced off with some kind of strain. Charlie Adam raked a cross-field ball to Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney, whose negligible footwork was bought hook, line and sinker by Glen Johnson for a stonewall penalty, which Adam himself dispatched clinically. Both sets of Pools’ supporters must have been rubbing their eyes in disbelief at the amount of space Black were allowed to manoeuvre in through midfield. When Charlie Adam got a bit complacent, Gilks helped him out with a save from N’Gog, and Black were dreaming of a famous victory in first half stoppage time when Taylor-Fletcher threaded a slide-rule pass to Luke Varney; a failure at Sheffield Wednesday but a hit here, as he fired through Reina’s body for 2-0 at the break.
In the second half Liver inevitably woke up. N’Gog did what he does best when he missed a sitter from a Kuyt cross, while the Scouse giants were back in the game after a diabolical free-kick for a non-existent challenge went their way. Gerrard swung it in, and Kyrgiakos powered a header under the bar. The Kop were on their feet when Joe Cole danced through to beat Gilks, only to see his dink miss the far post. That man Varney once again made a difference when he made a mug of Kyrgiakos and almost found DJ Campbell. Dirk Kuyt missed a prime headed chance before Gilks earned his wages with a superb save from another Kyrgiakos header, meaning the Pool of Black now hold the Premiership’s best away record, while the Pool of Liver will stew in the bottom three until after the international break.

Manchester United were held once more away from home, at the now near-impregnable Stadium of Light. As bad as Liverpool were in the first half of their game, Manchester United matched them, with a decent Nani free-kick the only bright spot from 45 minutes of mediocrity, in which Sunderland dominated. Steed Malbranque will be kicking himself at being foiled one-on-one by Van Der Sar, after Lee Cattermole had proved there are more strings to his bow than brainless tackles with an inch-perfect through ball between Fletcher and Vidic. After a Henderson free-kick was punched away, the ball was driven back at speed, and Nedim Onuoha’s instinctive stab ricocheted off Vidic almost on the goal-line, before the classy veteran Boudewijn Zenden cracked a drive against the post. United were fortunate to go in at the break goal-less, and Sir Alex Ferguson brought on Dimitar Berbatov for a more potent threat, with Owen and Macheda not gelling. Berbatov almost had an early impact, but his finish was ruled offside.
Hernandez was also introduced after the hour mark, and it was he who missed a presentable headed chance at the back post. A Darren Bent shot was deflected wide after Rafael had gone awol, and at the other end Berbatov cantered onto an Hernandez pass but dragged his effort just wide. The denoument of the match saw dynamic substitute Asamoah Gyan almost snatch the glory with a fabulous overhead kick, but Van Der Sar brilliantly preserved United’s unbeaten start. Although United have fallen five points behind Chelsea after a game more, the three away games they have drawn are traditionally fixtures: Fulham; Everton; Sunderland, that most teams would be happy to take a point in.

Birmingham City could not make it an entire Premier League campaign’s worth of unbeaten home games, as Everton finally leapt out of the doldrums and into 17th place with their first victory of the season. Lining up in their notorious blancmange kit, Everton started strongly, with Leighton Baines seemingly taken down clumsily by Stephen Carr for what looked like a penalty. Mouth Almighty Roger Johnson made an arse of himself by slipping on his arse and allowing Yakubu a free run on goal. His shot was pushed into the corner by Ben Foster, where Liam Ridgewell was waiting to clear off the line. An even clearer penalty was denied to Leighton Baines when Sebastian Larsson whipped his standing leg out just inside the box but Phil Dowd was bizarrely uninterested.
In the 53rd minute, Everton’s superiority was embellished with the opening goal, when Duracell Bunny Leon Osman motored down the line and whipped in a low cross. Roger Johnson appeared to attempt to trap the ball at high speed, and only succeeded in putting it in his own net, matching his fellow centre-back Scott Dann’s feats against West Brom a fortnight ago. Birmingham responded positively, and Stephen Carr, with no hint of irony, was indignant when he was sent crashing over inside the box by none other than Leighton Baines. Roger Johnson then tried his luck at winning a penalty, before Brum were most unfortunate that Phil Dowd’s penalty box myopia extended to missing a blatant handball by Seamus Coleman. Birmingham’s resistance was finished in the last minute, when man-of-the-match Baines jinked and found a cross for Tim Cahill to slam in a diving header, with Lee Bowyer chasing shadows. At the final whistle, there were boos around the ground, indicating that Birmingham fans have mistaken themselves for Real Madrid fans.

A tale of two penalty claims, as Mancitti further staked their claims as title pretenders with a valuable win against plucky Newcastle at Eastlands. Newcastle were shaken after just three minutes, when a ‘rigorous’ tackle by Nigel De Jong, most famous for attempting to tackle Xabi Alonso’s heart in the World Cup final, resulted in Hatem Ben Arfa shattering his leg in two places. Apparently David Pleat didn’t think the injury was bad from Ben Arfa’s reaction, but the fact his leg had gone soft below the knee was probably a clue things were not hunky-dory. Mancitti took the lead in the 17th minute, when Carlos Tevez was taken down from an awkward angle by Mike Williamson. Replays seemed to suggest the contact was outside the box, but nevertheless, Tevez belted the penalty home. An instinctive Fabricio Coloccini snapshot almost caught Hart out, before Vincent became Bad Kompany, slicing a rather silly scissor-kick straight to Jonas Gutierrez, who rasped it back into the net with interest.
In the second period, Tim Krul had to beat away a Tevez effort, before Adam Johnson was finally released like a hungry dog onto the pitch. Within a few minutes, James Milner slid him down the line where his trickery saw him leave Barton and Enrique punch-drunk, before planting a perfect shot inside the far post. This turned out to be the winner, because Martin Atkinson somehow missed a penalty so obvious it should have come with a klaxon. Shola Ameobi nicked the ball past Joleon Lescott who clearly scythed him down, only for Atkinson to wave play-on. Mike Williamson missed a glorious chance to redeem himself from a corner, and that was that.

Champions League cavaliers Tottenham Hotspur managed to earn a victory following a European adventure, driven by the irrepressible brilliance of new signing Rafael Van Der Vaart. Van Der Vaart is one of those players who fits in so easily and has such an influence on games that he makes other players look very overpaid. The canny Redknapp tends to find a free role for the Dutchman, and VDV then moves about the pitch like a puppet-master, pulling strings as though from above. Roman Pavlyuchenko had headed a decent chance over before Aston Villa took the lead, with Emile Heskey bulldozing Sebastian Bassong; no weakling, off the ball, getting to the byline and releasing across goal for Albrighton to score the opener. Pavlyuchenko narrowly missed another great chance from a Bale cross, while Ashley Young threatened with a free-kick. VDV then got interested, narrowly missing and then stinging the hands of Brad Friedel, before he grabbed the equaliser deep into first half stoppage time. A superb Pavlyuchenko cross was nodded across goal by beanpole Crouch for Van Der Vaart to nod in past two defenders on the line.
In the second half, the trick was repeated, only for Stylian Petrov to punish VDV’s casualness with a timely challenge as he was set to score. Richard Dunne was next to smother VDV’s seemingly endless routes to goal, while at the other end a wicked cross into the corridor of uncertainty by Ashley Young was attacked and missed by Carew and Gomes at the near post, and Albrighton agonisingly at the far. After Peter Crouch had missed a great headed chance, he turned provider once more. Lennon’s dinked cross was knocked down by Crouch, Van Der Vaart feinted to put Dunne on his backside before rifling the ball into the net. There was still time for VDV to almost get the hat-trick his performance merited, narrowly clearing the bar with a ferocious strike from a Gareth Bale free-kick lay-off.

The always interesting Wigan Athletic continued their revival with a priceless home victory against Wolves, doubling their meagre goal tally in the process. Their cause was helped no end by Karl Henry, a man who had gone to great lengths to scorn the suggestions that Wolves are a dirty team, before launching into a tackle so hard and fast it sent Jordi Gomez into a somersault, after just ten minutes. To call it reckless would be an understatement, and his red card essentially ended Wolves’ hoped of winning the match, though they may have hoped to hold out against such a shot-shy side. Stephen Fletcher sent a soft Wolves free-kick just over in a sign of resistance, before Wigan began to dominate. Franco Di Santo looked menacing, weaving into the box before being blocked by Craddock, but the first half seemed stifled.
It was only in the second period that Wigan possession began to bear fruit. Hugo Rodallega dummied a through ball before brilliantly exchanging passes with Di Santo, whose point-blank effort was somehow kept out by Hahnemann’s body. On 65 minutes, the foraging N’Zogbia was tugged on the edge of the box, and the resulting free-kick was magnificently dispatched in off the crossbar by Jordi Gomez, who actually started his run-up in front of the ball. Later in the half a launched long pass from Gomez was similarly launched towards goal first time by Di Santo; Hahnemann alert enough to deny them. Five minutes before the end, Wigan still poured forward, and a delightfully threaded through-ball from N’Zogbia was kicked against Rodallega and in by the lunging Christophe Berra, an intriguing cock-up previously achieved by Richard Stearmann a fortnight ago against Spurs. Mick McCarthy was very disappointed with Karl Henry post-match, and must be concerned that his side’s excellent start has been undone by four straight defeats.

Anyone wishing to watch highly-paid Sunday League tactics were in for a treat, as the clogs of war were out in force at the Britannia; Stoke City entertaining Blackburn Rovers; ‘entertaining’ being the operative word. This game contained many predictable aspects: Rory Delap hit the post twice from huge throw-ins; Christopher Samba cleared off the goal-line and was generally immense, but there were less predictable aspects too; Jermaine Pennant looked a constant threat for instance. Matthew Etherington twice hit the side-netting when he should have scored, whilst Ryan Shawcross also successfully defended his goal-line from Brett Emerton’s effort. The match was settled in the 48th minute, when Kenwyne Jones fed Etherington, who slid the ball through Christopher Samba for ex-Blackburn youngster and Ipswich starlet Jonathan Walters to bound through and finish confidently. Big Sam will not appreciate being beaten at his own game.

The newly effective and impressive West Bromwich Albion were held to a draw at the Hawthorns by the still-improving Bolton Wanderers. After Roberto Di Matteo had received the Premier League Manager of the Month award, the odds were on the Baggies blowing it, and it looked even more likely when Gary Cahill contrived to miss a free header from a corner. At the other end, player of the month Peter Odemwingie headed a decent chance over himself, and a forgettable first half was over. Inside 20 seconds of the second half the teams decided to step up their performance; Martin Petrov missing a glaring opportunity after some lovely Bolton approach play. Just after the hour mark, Chung-Yong Lee flicked the ball to Davies, who killed it lovingly into the path of Johan Elmander for a tidy finish. Petrov missed another opportunity to extend the lead when Tamas blundered, before Zat Knight followed suit for Odemwingie to miss. Despite his poor accuracy beforehand, Odemwingie showed why he was player of the month by then providing a sublime cross for James Morrison to ghost into the box and score the equaliser. Not satisfied with this, the Nigerian later charged through to set up Chris Brunt, whose effort was well saved by Jaaskelainen. The Trotters had a glorious chance to snatch it at the death with Taylor, but this would not have been a reflection on the game; a point being a fair result.

The rejuvenated Hammers sank back to the foot of the table, despite a comeback against still-unbeaten draw specialists Fulham. Shorn of strikers, Mark Hughes started with the Yankee duo of Clint Dempsey and Eddie Johnson up front, and another North American import, Carlos Salcido made a vital goal-line clearance from Frederic Piquionne. Although the ball seemed to possibly be going just wide, it could have been a message to the recently-departed Paul Konchesky on how to properly defend at the post. Robert Green’s World Cup tormentor Clint Dempey was pole-axed by a rogue arm from Manuel Da Costa which left him with a corking shiner, and when his compatriot Johnson was molested to the ground by Jacobsen, apparently fairly by Andre Marriner, he must have felt hard done by. He channelled this frustration into once again beating Robert Green, after exchanging passes with Davies, whose lucky looped return was half-vollied in by the USA striker. Dempsey later shaved the crossbar, but the second half saw the normally-imperious Brede Hangeland needlessly give the ball away on the edge of the ‘D’, leading to Boa Morte feeding Obinna, whose lovely stand-up was headed home by Piquionne.
Dempsey wriggled through to be smothered by Green, while the Hammers stopper then kept out Etuhu from a Baird cross. Dempsey nearly had the decisive word when he set substitute Diomansy Kamara away, only for the rusty striker to blaze over. A decent point for Fulham given their injury woes, but West Ham are propping up the rest once more.


See you after the international break my friends.