Quickfire goal gluts abound

After another dismal international break for the home nations, the frenetic fracas of the Premier League made a welcome return. In the interim, we’ve had the issues of avaricious owners clinging to power, and Danny Murphy earning the respect of many outside of the Premier League management and player communities by condemning mindless challenges.

Manchester United’s habit of giving away points like early Christmas presents continued at Old Trafford this time, sharing just a point with West Bromwich Albion, having been 2 goals up at half-time. It looked like a regulation victory when Scott Carson did what he does best, spilling a Nani free-kick conveniently into Javier Hernandez’ path, who gobbled up the chance after just 5 minutes. Marc-Antoine Fortune bustled down the line minutes later and sent in a low cross, leaving an open goal for Chris Brunt before Rafael lunged in and stabbed out for a corner, unspotted by the officials but lauded by his team-mates. Dimitar Berbatov seemed to have returned to his pre-Liverpool form when Michael Carrick found him in space in the centre of the box, only to screw his absolute sitter wide, but when Nicky Shorey fell over near the halfway line, Nani poached the ball and exchanged passes with the Bulgarian, before dispatching Berbatov’s cool layback into Carson’s net.

The second half began with United on the front foot. An audacious display of footwork and dinked cross from Nani was nodded against the foot of the post by Nemanja Vidic. It seemed that the gap would only increase, yet on 50 minutes an awkward free-kick near the touchline was taken with a thunderous daisy-cutter from Chris Brunt. The ball found its way through the two-man wall and clipped the inside of Patrice Evra’s knee, deflecting over the line before Van Der Sar palmed out for Vidic to bundle back in under pressure.

United were clearly shaken, and perhaps needed to see out 15 minutes to regain the ascendancy, but it was not to be. A litany of defensive errors 5 minutes later ended with a floated Brunt cross being inexplicably dropped by Mr Reliable Van Der Sar to the feet of the impressive Cameroonian midfielder Somen Tchoyi to equalise. United’s efforts to regain their lead were unusually sporadic, with Anderson unfortunate to see his drive parried out into the danger area but back into Carson’s arms off his own defender. The beleaguered Rooney came on, along with Paul Scholes, but he looked a shadow of his former self; his only influence coming when a dubious backpass free-kick was scuffed to an Albion defender on the goal-line.

The only other unbeaten side Fulham finally lost that proud record when they came unstuck against Tottenham Hotspur at Craven Cottage. Although they had the comeback of Moussa Dembele to lift their spirits, Fulham could not work their way back after Spurs had overturned a one goal deficit. Aaron Hughes had nodded a glorious chance over the bar, after talking head Murphy had robbed the dozy Modric, before roving left-back Carlos Salcido drilled a howitzer inches over. Diomansy Kamara celebrated his own injury comeback with a goal on the half-hour, after the industrious Clint Dempsey had spun and wriggled and taken two defenders out of the game with a craftily disguised pass across the box for the unmarked Frenchman to slot into the unguarded net. It was a little careless that Fulham then contrived to concede an equaliser within 2 minutes, though it was a sumptuous moment of magnificence from the imperious Van Der Vaart which created it. Having taken an awkward ball down just inside the box, the Dutch playmaker then steadied himself, and as a challenge came in, found calm in the melee to deftly chip the ball onto the underside of the crossbar, leaving Pavlyuchenko on the goal-line to capitalise. Fulham responded with another full-frontal blast; Hughes’ belted clearance finding Kamara, who belted it goalwards, only to meet with Gomes’ reflexes. There was still time for a Lennon cross to find Van Der Vaart lurking with intent at the back post, but somehow Schwarzer’s foot kept out his volley.

In the second half, Chris Baird tested Gomes again with a powerful header tipped over by the Brazilian, but when a Spurs corner was only cleared to Huddlestone on the edge of the ‘D’, Fulham were left counting the cost, as the big Englishman drilled typically through a ruck of defenders and into the bottom corner. William Gallas was flagged offside but was judged not to have interfered, despite swinging at the ball. Carlos Salcido then got involved heavily, missing a glorious chance that fell to him in a frantic penalty area, before making a sublime last-ditch block as Van Der Vaart looked to cash in. Diomansy Kamara’s afternoon ended with remorse, as he missed a number of very presentable opportunities to make himself the hero of the piece.

Arsenal took advantage of United’s slip to move into second place, avoiding a third defeat in a row with a comeback victory against Birmingham at the Emirates. Alexander Hleb returned to not haunt his old club, while it was Tottenham old boy Stephen Carr who proved an early thorn in their side, making a brilliant last-ditch block after Chamakh and Wilkshere had strolled through the Birmingham team exchanging passes. Sebastien Squillaci had his momentous headed goal moment ruined by the linesman on 17 minutes, and another Arsenal old boy almost gave them a gift; Sebastian Larsson inexplicably killing the ball and leaving it to Carr deep inside his own box, only for Gael Clichy to rampage onto it and fire narrowly wide. Clichy is now the only surviving member of Arsenal’s ‘Invincibles’ team, a curious circumstance when you consider he was the worst. When Serbian beanpole Nikola Zigic effortlessly nodded in Fahey’s cross, you felt it was same old Gunners, but five minutes before half-time, Scott Dann shot his own side in the foot, by falling over and being unable to resist offering his foot, which Marouane Chamakh gratefully did a double-pike with a twist over. Samir Nasri bagged the penalty, and the second half laid itself bare for the Gunners to seize.

Jack Wilshere did not set the world alight for Bolton, but perhaps all he needed was more of the ball, because back at Arsenal he looks a class act, gliding about the pitch like an air-hockey puck, trading passes with the greatest of ease. After he chested the ball expertly to Alexandre Song on the edge of the penalty area, he received a return and stabbed a lovely through-ball to Marouane Chamakh, who pirouetted slightly fortunately past Scott Dann and Ben Foster to net for 2-1 just after the break. There was not much more to shout about until Wilshere proved there is more to his game than finesse when he received a red card for a late studs-up tackle on Nikola Zigic, which was a bit like chopping down the magic beanstalk.

Mancitti soon knocked Arsenal off their perch with an excellent, if slightly fortunate victory against plucky Blackpool at Bloomfield Road. Carlos Tevez seemed to have gotten over his poor recent form, starting as he meant to go on when David Vaughan was forced to cut out his centre to strike partner Emmanuel Adebayor. That’s right, strike partner. Roberto Mancini, in a staggering show of positivity, started with two strikers for the first time this season. Not that Adebayor had much influence at all before being hauled off on 65 minutes, after which time the game somewhat remarkably exploded into life. Blackpool had dominated the first half, but after David Silva came on, and Mancini went back to what he knows best, the scoring started. Gary Taylor-Fletcher was gutted to be denied a brilliantly taken goal by the linesman’s flag, despite it being Grandin who was offside rather than himself. DJ Campbell also missed a glorious chance, after being found in yards of space in front of goal by Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney; controlling but slotting the ball wide. The Tangerines were made to pay on 67 minutes, when James Milner and David Silva combined to fire in a low cross, which Carlos Tevez brilliantly adjusted to flick in, though replays showed he was clearly offside.

James Milner scampered through soon after and lifted the ball over Gilks, but his effort was soft enough for Neal Eardley to belt it off the goal-line. Milner then struck the bar with a superb effort, and Blackpool were reeling. Though it seemed the game was only going one way, Marlon Harewood stepped off the bench to flick in a Charlie Adam free-kick for an unlikely equaliser. The roof was lifted, but crashed back down little more than a minute later, when the bustling Tevez tried to win back possession on the edge of the box and clearly kicked Ian Evatt in the calf, knocking him off his stride before robbing him and smashing in a shot, which was deflected into the opposite corner by an unfortunate Blackpool defender. Somehow, Phil Dowd allowed the goal, and Mancitti took the initiative, Tevez hitting the crossbar before they grabbed a fabulous third, when the diminutive Spaniard Silva cut in and out, leaving three players on their backsides before curling the ball home exquisitely. Game over, but the mental resilience of ‘Olly’s Army saw them mount a late siege and claim a second, with Taylor-Fletcher bundling in a flick-on on the goal-line.

The most important Merseyside derby in many moons ended in an embarrassingly easy victory for the blue half of the region. After Tom and Jerry were bombed out of Liverpool this week, forced to walk alone, the Kopites dared to think positive once more. Their new owner John Henry sat beaming in the stands, but will have been pretty bemused at what he witnessed. The problem is that Liverpool are drowning in problems. Last season their saving grace was their untouchable two: Torres and Gerrard, now better known as Samson and Injunction. Gerrard’s diabolical form is no doubt down to similar reasons as Wayne Rooney: the mental turmoil of screwing up your private life; ‘screwing’ being the operative word. But we’re not here to discuss who or what Gerrard made pregnant in the absence of his wife. Fernando meanwhile has no real excuse, unless he had actually injured his ability. His natural hair makes him look like the bland man on the street, and play like one. So when your two game-savers go to pot, who can you rely on? If Dirk Kuyt’s the answer, then what was the question? Oh and he’s crocked. What about Joe Cole? Well he looks like he’s already regretting leaving the bright lights of London. David N’Gog? Now we’re stretching it. Aside from the dearth of talent at his disposal, Uncle Roy seems to be blind to the fact that the wings are a very potent source of chance creation. Despite Cole and later Babel playing, next to no balls were fed wide, and Everton were relishing a team with few great passers attempting to pass through them. Of Hodgson’s signings, Cole looks lost, Konchesky looks out of his depth and as for Raul Meireles…with his tattoos, skinhead and surly sneer he looks like an Eastern European gangster, but on this evidence he is indeed a Portuguese lightweight: anyone who is muscled off the ball by Leighton Baines has reason for concern. Liverpool could sorely use the kind of incisive run and cross that exciting full-back prospect Seamus Coleman provided for Tim Cahill to crash in on 34 minutes. Or the decisive finish provided by Mikel Arteta in the second half, with the luck of Yakubu not being flagged, despite blocking Reina’s view of the strike. As the game wore on, Torres decided to try his luck and hurl himself to the ground in the penalty box, a fact not welcomed by Phil Jagielka. Jermaine Beckford was sent on and promptly tried the same trick at the opposite end under a non-challenge from the intimidating Slovak Martin Skrtel; once again resembling some kind of evil egg. Liverpool only seemed to create one outstanding chanced in the game’s dying embers, but a low cross was brilliantly cut out by Distin, with N’Gog waiting to tap in from four yards. So Everton shoot up to 11^th, while Liverpool find only West Ham below them on goal difference.

Chelski missed the chance to go 100 points clear when they could only manage a goalless draw against Gerard Houllier’s steely Aston Villa side. With Drogba and Lampard out, the odds were on a low-scoring game, and Villa were, for once, ruing the lack of Emile Heskey. Stephen Ireland sent an early chance wide after being put through on goal by Downing, and Carew did likewise with another presentable opening. A goalmouth scramble led to bodies flying, the most potent being big Serbian Branislav Ivanovic, who blocked Ireland’s goal-bound effort. At the other end, Friedel kept out Malouda and Anelka.

The second half saw Ivanovic crack the post with a brilliant header, while Ciaran Clark glanced a header from a free-kick off the Chelsea woodwork. Chelski were ruing their luck when Cashley Cole threw in a cross that Anelka adjusted to all wrong, pounding his header against the turf and back up against the crossbar, but Villa could have won the game themselves when Nigel Reo-Coker robbed Chelski youngster Josh McEachran and raced through one-on-one. Unfortunately, Reo-Coker become Real-Choker, and the chance went wide.

Wigan Athletic were devastated, after they seemed to have fired themselves up the table with a superb smash-and-grab raid at St James’ Park, only for Newcastle to snatch a point at the death.

It was inevitable that the target of the boo-boys, the returning Charles Insomnia, would make the difference for Wigan. The threatening Franco Di Santo made ground down the right flank, and swung in a cross which deflected to take the pace out of it. With two Newcastle defenders apparently taking a relieved breather, N’Zogbia rose to plant a header back across goal past Tim Krul. Newcastle seemed to still be feeling sorry for themselves when little more than a minute later, that man Di Santo crossed again for N’Zogbia to take the ball down, and in a flash crack it past Krul, with the aid of a deflection. 2 minutes, 2-0 to Wigan. Newcastle responded, but Wigan captain Antolin Alcaraz cleared brilliantly underneath his own crossbar, with the resulting corner having to be cleared off the line from Williamson by Emerson Boyce. The second half saw Wigan sit back a little too much, and they paid in the 72^nd minute, when a dipping Gutierrez cross was met by a stooping Ameobi, who scored from point-blank range. Top scorer Andy Carroll, who seems to have gone off the boil, then nodded a corner wide, and received a booking for childishly punching the ball out of Al-Habsi’s hands to score. When Joey Barton sent in a deep cross, Carroll missed a glorious opportunity at the back post, and it seemed as if Wigan had hung on. But, in the last throes of stoppage time, a corner was flicked on to the back post, where Magpies captain Fabriccio Coloccini thumped a close-range header into the net to salvage a draw from the jaws of defeat.

It was the Trotters versus the Potters at the Reebok, and the Trotters came out on top. Stoke, one of the teams referred to as a spoiling team by Danny Murphy, were typically belligerent, though Bolton took the lead when the man I had just taken out of my fantasy team, Chung-Yong Lee, typically gave me a kick in the teeth by scoring an excellent goal that owed a debt to perseverance and quick feet. Jermaine Pennant continued to remind what he can do when his free-kick struck the crossbar, while Fabrice Muamba missed a gilt-edged opening created by Johan Elmander. An element of Stoke (and Blackburn)’s game which wasn’t necessarily referred to by Murphy was the underhand cheating deployed in packed penalty boxes by them. Tony Pulis claimed Stoke should have had a penalty when Zat Knight inexplicably handled inside the box, conveniently overlooking the fact that German tank Robert Huth had given him a good shove to send him flying, a tactic he has deployed before when Stoke had a goal disallowed earlier in the season. We should applaud referees for spotting these sly infringements, though Pulis may think that the fact Huth is twice the size of El-Hadji Diouf counts against him when these incidents are judged. Huth then participated in a more honest way to get Stoke back into the game, flicking on a corner at the start of the second half for Rory Delap to gleefully steer in from four yards. Jussi Jaaskelainen made an excellent save from Dean Whitehead to keep the scores level, before an almighty scramble ensued after Sorensen spilled an easy save to the feet of Davies, but somehow proved enough of an obstacle to keep out the tap-in; the ball rolling across the face of goal begging to be finished but finding no takers. There was no time to regret, for the ball found its way into the box from the resulting throw, Delap fluffed a clearance, and substitute Ivan Klasnic spun brilliantly to find the corner. Within a few minutes, Klasnic then decided to intervene in a scuffle between Matt Taylor and Dean Whitehead by cuffing the Stoke player in the face, an offence for which he may have expected red. He did indeed get his marching orders mere minutes later, with a second yellow for jumping into Rory Delap. Quite a 15 minute cameo from the Croatian, and Bolton claimed their first home victory of the season.

 West Ham stayed rock bottom, but will be ruing a controversial decision in the closing stages that robbed them of all three points. The wolves were at Mick McCarthy’s door relating to those Danny Murphy claims, but he shrugged it off with a magnificent post-match comment about being angry that his team dominated a first half with free-flowing football rather than ‘knocking seven bells’ out of their opponents. Robert Green returned to his usual form, flapping after a spell of inept defending for Matt Jarvis to guide a volley into the empty net, though he did save well from David Jones and beat Richard Stearmann to the punch to keep the deficit at one. Not long after half-time, Victor Obinna hit the deck under pressure from Kevin Foley, and Mark Noble gratefully bagged the penalty to equalise. Frederic Piquionne then decided to get involved, and after being set up by a lovely ball from Boa Morte, proceeded to hit the crossbar so hard the rebound ricocheted out for a throw-in. As the game seemingly began to peter out to a tame draw, Piquionne once again got involved, exchanging passes in a tight area with Mark Noble, took the return on his chest and slid beautifully under the advancing Hahnemann, only for Mark Clattenburg to incorrectly book Piquionne for handball, denying the Hammers a vital win.

Until Saturday comes once more, I bid thee farewell.