Own goal maestros return

It’s been a very quiet work in the surreal goldfish bowl of the Barclays Premier League, yawn-inducing even. Oh wait, no, Wayne Rooney held his club to ransom didn’t he?

Whether he wanted to draw attention to the parasitical Glazers bleeding the club dry or not, Rooney has ironically succeeded only in making himself look every bit as avaricious as them, while his agent, who Andy Cole has suggested loves the lucre more than any client (who would have thought), comes out of the whole debacle very much richer. So you love football so much you’d play it for free Wayne? Thanks for debunking that myth for us.

Aside from that sideshow, there was a full programme of fixtures to get our teeth into, and the theme this week saw the welcome return of two own-goal kings. Well, Scott Carson is also starting to make a name in that field, but that’s another story.

First, we doff our caps to the calamitous defending of Mr Richard Dunne, a man of many records. At one stage he was recorded as the heaviest outfield player in Premiership history, and to this honour he has added most red cards, joint with Patrick Vieira and Duncan Ferguson. But this weekend, he finally claimed his rightful place at the top of the own-goal tree: a magnificent eight O.G.s in a career defined by clumsiness.

It was Dunne’s stupendous stupidity that won the game for Sunderland, after another much-maligned figure; Emile Heskey had made a good case for Villa snatching the points from the newly-intimidating fortress of the Stadium of Light. Not many visiting teams leave with the points these days, though when a Heskey flick-on was played through by Ashley Young, Stewart Downing will be disappointed to only hit the upright. Nigel Reo-Coker went down under the approaches of two ex-Wigan stalwarts; Cattermole and another dopey defensive king Titus Bramble, but did not move the official. In the 24^th minute, Steed Malbranque won a vital 50-50 with Stylian Petrov on the touchline, before delivering a teasing cross that James Collins stooped to head out, before defensive partner Dunne took charge to volley it off his head and into his own net. Danny Wellbeck nearly increased the lead but for the reactions of Friedel, but in the second period Heskey joined Dunne in the farcical moments reel, when a low cross was missed by goalkeeper Mignolet, leaving Heskey an open goal which he contrived to miss with a comical air-kick as the ball passed between his feet. Villa seemed to take control when Gerard Houllier brought on Albrighton for Ireland and moved Young behind Heskey, and Downing tried his luck at winning a penalty late on, but the final say went to Sunderland; Bardsley’s long hoof reaching substitute Asamoah Gyan, who made a real mess of the chance to leave the final score at a narrow 1-0 to the Wearsiders.

The battle for second place began at the Potteries, where Rooney-less Manchester United took on Stoke, who had never even scored a goal against their visitors since their promotion two seasons ago. Fergie started young Mexican Javier Hernandez alongside Dimitar Berbatov, while John O’Shea was drafted in at left-back to cope better with Stoke’s considerable aerial threat. This left the intriguing selection of Patrice Evra on the left wing, and the slightly baffling return of stalwart Gary Neville at right-back. It was Red Nev’s 600^th United appearance, though cynics, including yours truly, have suggested he may have considered retirement at closer to 500. United defended impeccably, and dictated the game in midfield through Fletcher and Scholes. They deservedly took the lead on 26 minutes, when a deep cross from Nani was headed back across goal by Nemanja Vidic for Hernandez to incredibly corkscrew his neck to divert the ball in with the back of his head. Gary Neville had been somewhat harshly booked for what looked like a hard but fair challenge when he started tailing Matty Etherington on the left touchline. The whole stadium knew what Etherington was about to do, but Gary Neville proved you’re never too experienced to make a brainless lunge; wiping out Etherington as he knocked the ball past the ageing full-back. It was a certain yellow card, but Andre Marriner, perhaps mindful of the severity of his first caution, let him off with a stern talking-to. Stoke channelled their frustrations into getting down and dirty, particularly Danny Collins, nearly crocking Nani as he flew in with ugly lunges time and again. When Abdoulaye Faye sold Sorensen short with a backpass, Hernandez almost had a second goal to celebrate as Sorensen’s clearance cannoned off him and just over the crossbar.

The second period saw Evra claiming a penalty after he had raced through, only to be taken down slyly by Rory Delap, and Hernandez went agonisingly close when Van Der Sar launched a counter-attack which culminated in Berbatov’s lovely cross flashed back across goal an eyelash wide of the far post by the Mexican. The game was following the pattern of United’s recent away games, in that they had dominated, only to fail to kill the game off. That omen seemed to come true when Pulis sent in the flair, with Tuncay and later Gudjohnsen adding craft to Stoke’s brawn. When Paul Scholes failed to cut out a wide pass from Mark Wilson, the recipient; Tuncay, bore down on goal, cut inside Evra and unleashed a glorious strike into Van Der Sar’s top corner for the equaliser on 81 minutes. The natives went crazy, but they were silenced less than 5 minutes later, when a purposeful Berbatov exchanged passes on the edge of Stoke’s 18 before dinking a crafty cross that was flicked on by Scholes for Evra to control on the far post and drive across a packed penalty box, where the wily Hernandez was waiting to poach himself the winner. There was still time for a barnstorming save from Sorensen, after Berbatov had laid off to Nani, whose deflected strike was arrowing into the roof of the net before the defiant hand of the Dane kept the scoreline narrow.

Mancitti missed the chance to close the gap on Chelski after being outgunned by the Gunners at Eastlands. Carlos Tevez wriggled past Johann Djorou early on and sent in a low cross that diminutive Spaniard David Silva backheeled spectacularly towards goal, only to meet with a fantastic reflex save from previously-maligned Lukasz Fabianski. The game was effectively cancelled as a spectacle when Dedryk Boyata got himself sent off on 4 minutes; the last man scything down Marouane Chamakh just outside the box. Arsenal soon took control when Baccary Sagna sent in an inviting cross, but an unmarked Djorou fluffed his header spectacularly. The prolific scoring midfielder Samir Nasri got in on the act again on 20 minutes; exchanging passes inside a packed penalty box with Andrei Arshavin before firing home. Manchester City were not completely submissive, and committed men forward when James Milner fed the roving Micah Richards, who whipped a left-foot strike narrowly wide of the upright, but the game was almost over when Vincent Kompany wiped out Francesc Fabregas for an Arsenal penalty. Fabregas stepped up on his welcome return, but Joe Hart plunged full length to his left to save superbly. The Gunners then had further chances to put the game to bed when Chamakh outmuscled a defender, but Nasri and Fabregas over-elaborated to waste the opportunity.

Mancini sent on Gunners favourite Emmanuel Adebayor for the injured Tevez on 52 minutes, and City seemed revitalised. Fabianski saved well again after Barry had put in Silva. Emmanuel then screwed up big time; heading a glorious chance over before responding with one of his goofy grins. Mancitti were made to rue this when Wayne Bridge intercepted a Fabregas pass, only for the loose ball to fall to the feet of Alexandre Song, who capitalised fully with a goal. Fabregas cut swathes through the blue moon when setting up Chamakh, who blazed over, but when Walcott and Bendtner came on the game was settled. Samir Nasri was the only one alive to keeping a loose ball in as full-time approached; advancing and feeding Nicklas Bendtner who strode on before finishing adeptly past Hart. In a late surge, Adebayor was brilliantly tackled at the last by Clichy, and Fabianski brilliantly fingertipped over a piledriver from Mario Balotelli to make it a perfect afternoon’s work for the Gunners.

Chelsea retained their 5 point advantage with an unexpectedly tight 2-0 victory over Wolves. They welcomed back Jose Bosingwa’s rampaging runs to their armoury, and the mono-browed Portuguese right-back had an early chance saved by Hahnemann. Another player they welcomed back was talisman Didier Drogba, but you wouldn’t know it by his performance; his only real opportunity coming when he was sent one-on-one with Hahnemann, who flew out of his box to tackle the hesitant Ivorian. Petr Cech had a surprising amount of work to do, the main opportunities for Wolves coming in the air, from crosses by Jarvis and Foley. Those tame finishes were compounded when Zhirkov and Anelka combined, and the Russian slid the ball across to Florent Malouda, who netted the opener. John Terry decided to help Wolves cause when he gave the ball to Nenad Milijas, who unleashed a tame effort. Stephen Hunt nearly made himself even more of a Stamford Bridge villain when he ironically put his head in at Zhirkov’s feet and nodded goalward, but Michael Essien showed Charlie Adam how to calmly kill a ball in your own six-yard box. Kevin Doyle’s effort was saved after a nice Wolves move, and Ward stung Cech’s hands, before Chelsea made the game safe, Salomon Kalou netting from an incisive Essien through-ball.

Tottenham followed up their midweek exertions with a decent draw against a resurgent Everton, though Gareth Bale understandably looked lethargic. The game began brightly. A sharp Luka Modric shot was saved by Howard in a statement of intent, but it was Everton who took the lead against the run of play. Ayegbeni Yakubu went down dubiously easily under a challenge from Younes Kaboul 25 yards from goal, and we were treated to a free-kick second in quality only to Alex’s a few weeks back. Leighton Baines stepped up and bent an exquisite shot over the wall and snugly into the ‘postage stamp’ for a Toffees’ opener. Tim Howard soon proceeded to let Baines down, when two minutes later he attempted to fist a deep cross clear with one hand, only succeeding in flapping it on to Peter Crouch; the ricochet falling to Van Der Vaart on the goal-line, who duly equalised.

Peter Crouch failed to find a second when he headed straight at Howard, after being found by a great Hutton cross, and in a dire second half the only real highlight was Roman Pavlyuchenko cantering through in the dying stages, caught in two minds before having his hesitant shot blocked by Sylvain Distin.

In an early six-pointer, strugglers Liverpool took on the team above them in 17^th: Blackburn Rovers. Blackburn have a lousy record at Anfield, and they were missing mighty defender Christopher Samba, so the odds were with the Scousers. Liverpool began with attacking intent not seen in some weeks. Fernando Torres and Maxi Rodriguez exchanged passes to set up Joe Cole, whose instinctive finish was instinctively kept out by Robinson’s foot; the rebound falling to Raul Meireles, who missed a practically open goal. Muscular Greek defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos took it upon himself to offer an aerial threat going forward, and his header was well tipped over by the alert Robinson, before the former England ‘keeper kept out Steven Gerrard from a lightning counter-attack; words you haven’t heard associated with Liverpool for a while. Raul Meireles, trying to make amends for his earlier sitter miss, had a shot blocked by Salgado’s head, while how Maxi Rodriguez failed to convert Steven Gerrard’s tantalising cross only he will know.

Liverpool finally got what they were looking for just after half-time, when Kyrgiakos once again towered to thump a header in via the dozy Olsson on the post, but within 3 minutes they had given their hard-earned lead away. Benjani glided past Martin Skrtel, who seemed terrified of giving away a penalty, before sending in a low cross that Anfield favourite Diouf bundled through Jamie Carragher’s legs. The comedy of errors was complete when the apologetic shot was kicked against Carragher by a frantic Konchesky, going in off old Carra to mean he is breathing down Richard Dunne’s neck in the all-time own-goals count. Liverpool fans must have feared the worst, but they had no need to fear, for they had reckoned without the intervention of Fernando Torres, who always scores against Blackburn. A Joe Cole delivery was flicked on by, who else, Kyrgiakos, and it found Torres, poaching like the striker of old at the back post. No more than they deserved, and the Kop breathed a collective sigh of relief, though Blackburn still keep Liverpool in the relegation zone on goal difference.

Fulham have sunk badly since losing their unbeaten record, and they lost a lead at the Hawthorns; the latest victims of the best Baggies side in recent years. Fulham were shorn of the bulk of their strongest midfield as well as talisman Bobby Zamora, but Albion could also point to missing star man Peter Odemwingie. Of course, the other star of Albion’s team is generally Chris Brunt, at the heart of most of their best moves. When Youssouf Mulumbu lost possession in a dangerous area on 8 minutes, the ball ended up at the feet of former Albion hero Zoltan Gera, who sent in a shot that cannoned off the post and against the man who is not adverse to a howler; Scott Carson for a cracking own-goal. Fulham’s issues last week might have been resolved had Diomansy Kamara been in more clinical form, and he continued that theme when he fired a good chance wide. Mulumbu then made amends for his cock-up by scoring, though he looked suspiciously offside from Chris Brunt’s excellent through-ball on 17 minutes. Stephen Kelly then had to intervene on the goal-line after Jonas Olsson’s looping header from a Baggies’ corner. Another Brunt through-ball minutes before half-time found Jerome Thomas, who continued his good form by finding Marc-Antoine Fortune for the second Albion goal, but again Thomas raised suspicions of offside from the original pass. James Morrison must have been kicking himself when he missed a great chance from a Brunt cross, while Paul Scharner had a decent effort saved, and Morrison had time to flick a long clearance by Carson wide of the target in a game Albion dominated and thoroughly deserved to win, sending them up to fourth for their best ever top-flight start. Kudos, Roberto.

Alex McLeish successfully nullified Blackpool’s exuberant attacking game to finally end their wretched run of form. The Blues had drawn two and lost three of their last five, but finally got a victory at St Andrews, courtesy of an excellent all-action display from giant Serbian Nikola Zigic. Cynics will point to the fact that yet again Birmingham have won by changing to two up-front, but McLeish probably refutes that connection. An early Sebastian Larsson free-kick was well saved by Matt Gilks, but it wasn’t all one-way traffic, with Taylor-Fletcher in particular a threat at the opposite end. Brum took the lead after the half hour through Liam Ridgewell, who nodded a corner from back to front post, where Zigic towered above two defenders to head against the angle, leaving Ridgewell to gratefully score the rebound from the unconventional ‘one-two’. Alexander Hleb, deployed behind O’Connor and Zigic, began to show signs of his previous form, but just before the hour-mark it was defender Roger Johnson who brilliantly kept a loose ball in play right on the touchline inside the penalty box, leading to ‘pool Captain Charlie Adam attempting to calmly trap a cross inside his six-yard box. His heavy touch was dispatched by Zigic to leave the Scotsman burying his head in shame. Adam’s late snapshot at the other end was well saved, while Foster made a magnificent save from a deflected Vaughan effort. Perhaps it was the uncharacteristically poor showing of Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney, but Blackpool were stifled, and need to regroup after being found out in the Second City.

Wigan Athletic stretched their unbeaten run to 4 games, after holding a Bolton side who stretched their own run to 6. Unfortunately, James McCarthy was carried off after a questionable challenge from Fabrice Muamba. Most would call it fair, but others would question the fairness of ploughing in from behind off the ground when the receiving player is standing, leaving no chance of injury to the tackler, every chance to the unsuspecting victim. Wigan nearly took the lead early on after Gretar Steinsson’s poor touch let in Hugo Rodallega, but the Colombian finished wastefully. A lovely Wigan move orchestrated by the in-form N’Zogbia opened the scoring. The French winger made ground in the middle of the park before feeding Di Santo just outside the box. There was a hint of offside, but Di Santo ignored this to slide the ball around the last man to the alert Rodallega, who this time finished consummately across Jaaskelainen.

Wigan had Chris Kirkland back in goal, unable to pick Al-Habsi against his parent club, and he was picking the ball out of his net eight minutes later, when two defenders attempted and failed to intercept Kevin Davies’ knock-down, leaving Elmander free to poke it in from close-range. Manchester United prospect Tom Cleverley came on late, and had a decent effort spilled to no reward.

The Hammers remain rock-bottom after conceding a lead to lose at home to Newcastle. After news of the pugilistic Carroll taking up residence at Chez Nolan, the two combined masterfully to engineer this comeback. West Ham’s dynamic front three of Obinna, Cole and Piquionne started well, with a crafty Noble through-ball finding Coolio lookalike Piquionne, who fired across goal for Cole to bundle in on the line. Newcastle felt they may have had a penalty when Andy Carroll bizarrely reacted to a Gutierrez cross by corkscrewing over Matthew Upson, but the referee correctly gave nothing. Joey Barton was having a good crossing day, starting when he found Carroll at the back stick, who nodded it down under pressure for landlord Nolan to bury with his left foot. West Ham’s counter-thrust came from Obinna, jinking and swerving before his low cross was taken off Cole’s foot by Fabricio Coloccini. Another fabulous Barton cross into the corridor of uncertainty was ignored by the Hammers defence, leaving Carroll to dive and head in from close-range on 68 minutes, which proved to be the winner. Danny Gabbidon later deflected Barton and Ameobi efforts, which narrowly went over and wide.

Goodbye. Until next time.