Toffee salvage

After the usual flurry of last-minute panic-buying with suspiciously little money, the transfer window shut, and the international break was upon us. England pissed off the nation with two exemplary performances which made a mockery of their World Cup embarrassment. Wayne Rooney shrugged off the allegations he cheated on his pregnant wife with gangland prostitutes, while Steven Gerrard breathed a sigh of relief that the expensive tabloid injunction to prevent publication of his deplorable misdemeanours is still in place. You almost feel sorry for John Terry, whose similar actions cost him the England captaincy because apparently his tabloid injunction wasn't expensive enough. I said almost.

With all of that nonsense out of the way, the good old Premier League returned for another manic weekend of goals, cards and horrendous sitter misses. Man United tossed away another two away points, while Arsene Wenger missed out on Mark Schwarzer, meaning Chelsea may wrap up the title before the Christmas decorations come down. Blackpool proved excellent value for another superb away win, while most of the contenders for the top four drew.

An insane climax for those who declined the chance to miss the rush of outgoing traffic at Goodison Park, with Everton snatching a draw from the jaws of defeat in injury time. No Wayne Rooney meant no back-story, and the game began with Everton buzzing, but United soon had the upper hand. As they tried to force in a corner however, Tim Cahill bladdered a loose ball upfield over the last man, which, via a comical missed overhead clearance from Evra, found Arteta to shoot against the advancing Van Der Sar. The usually mercurial Paul Scholes, who had tracked back, completely failed to follow Steven Pienaar, who received a follow-up pass in yards of space to slide past the recovering United goalkeeper for the opener. Rather than turn the tide, this just inspired United, and in particular the previously-maligned Nani, who picked up the ball on the right wing, and with little thought delivered the most inch-perfect cross you will ever see to the oncoming boot of Darren Fletcher for the equaliser. There was time in the first half for Tim Howard to make two incredible reaction saves, but another divine ball between the posts, goalkeeper and defenders from Nani was plundered gratefully in the second half by Serbian destroyer Nemanja Vidic, and when Sylvain Distin followed Evra in misjudging a long ball, this time from Scholes, Dimitar Berbatov deployed his perfect first touch, before coaxing the ball in with the outside of his boot for 3-1. Even Everton seemed to think the game was over at this stage, with both Berbatov and Nani wasteful as the half progressed, though Van Der Sar proved he is still at the top of his game with a crucial close-range stop from a Leon Osman chance. As the ninety minutes ticked by, Everton found some decent possession and a great cross from the left wing, Cahill finally lost Vidic and scored his usual towering header. Normally an exciting consolation goal, Everton refused to be finished and managed to drive United deep into their own half straight away again. Another excellent cross into the danger zone, four players challenged and fell over, and as luck would have it the loose ball dropped invitingly for Arteta to fire a drive just wide...until it struck the elbow of the luckless Scholes and deflected in for the most unlikely of equalisers.

This early result meant that Arsenal were the only team who could make up ground on the leaders. Wenger had been uncharacteristically busy in the transfer market in the summer, but the one player they most needed, a world-class goalkeeper, did not arrive, and so history would tell us they will not win the title. It seems baffling considering Shay Given and more obviously Mark Schwarzer would seemingly have jumped at the chance to join them. Being overly frugal does not unfortunately win leagues. But Wenger had for once saw fit to reshape his shaky backline, buying Laurent Koscielny and Sebastian Squillaci to replace the outgoing Silvestre, Campbell and Gallas. Both of them appeared here, though Koscielny had the most mixed of afternoons, starting perfectly by bundling in the kind of scrambled goal you would normally associate with the visitors as Fabregas miscued a volley at the back post. Bolton had Hungarian youngster Adam Bogdan covering in goal for the suspended Jaaskelainen, and he made a cracking save from Marouane Chamakh, before Koscielny levelled up his opener with an appalling headed backpass, which proceeded to set South Korean trickster Chung Yong Lee gliding through, before standing up a perfect cross which Johan Elmander couldn't miss. Cesc Fabregas then repeated the trick for Arsenal in the second half, standing a cross up this time for Chamakh to demonstrate his aerial prowess for an Arsenal lead.
Unfortunately, the game was then deprived of any kind of spectacle by a shocking passage of decision-making by Stuart Attwell. Although only 27 years old, Attwell has already made quite a name for himself during his fledgling refereeing career. You may remember Attwell for the 'ghost goal' awarded to Reading against Watford when the ball was four yards wide, or his temporary blindness when Steven Gerrard landed a forearm smash on Portsmouth's Michael Brown last season. When the sprightly Lee once again worked himself into a great position, he was clearly tripped right on the edge of the Arsenal penalty. The only debate was whether to award a penalty or free-kick, but Attwell inexplicably waved play-on. Bolton, understandably incensed and vulnerable to an Arsenal counter-attack, fired into challenges, with Cahill upending Marouane Chamakh right on the touchline. A blatant yellow card, to which Attwell typically responded with a red.
After this it was merely a case of how many Arsenal would score, and there was a magnificent third from Alexandre Song, sporting a bizarre grey thatch of hair, wriggling into a niche between defender and goalkeeper before applying a delicate 'sand wedge' to lift it into the net. A comprehensive win was embellished with applomb, Carlos Vela the recipient of a casual through-ball from Fabregas which was the culmination of a squillion-pass move, though there was still time for Attwell to allow the notoriously thuggish Paul Robinson to get away with a tackle which saw Abou Diaby carried off.

Chelski versus West Ham; top versus bottom; all wins versus all defeats. This Upton Park away banker went the way most expected, with Chelsea strolling it despite no Frankie Goes To Hernia Ward, and West Ham's only diamond being Scott Parker. The major reason most expect Chelsea to be even stronger this season is the return of midfield box-to-box powerhouse Michael Essien, but not many expected him to bag two headers. In between those Chelsea goals was another in the catalogue of ex-England goalkeeper Rob Green's howlers, spilling a simple Didier Drogba free kick at Upson's feet, who decided he'd rather concede a goal than a corner, belting the ball blind against Salomon Kalou. Jon Obi Mikel also struck the angle between post and bar from a nice Ivanovic layback. The only bright spots for West Ham were the best goal of the game from Scott Parker, who delightfully cushioned a punch from Cech back over his head from the edge of the box, and new Nigerian Victor Obinna, who looked lively if wasteful. But wasteful was not the word to describe the miss of the century late on, as Carlton Cole flicked a dangerous cross goalward, only for Frederic Piquionne to somehow contrive to hit the crossbar with a header from all of two yards.

Newcastle's new-found optimism evaporated, as the walls of the St James' Park fortress were stormed by the Tangerine army. Despite an early Mike Williamson header somehow staying out after hitting the inside of the post, Blackpool seized the initiative. Steve Harper was forced into a brave double-save before Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney weaved in between two defenders and crashed to the ground under a misguided swipe from Alan Smith. Captain Charlie Adam slid the penalty home, and Blackpool rode their luck as goalkeeper Matt Gilks had an inspired afternoon, stopping battering ram Andy Carroll with a leg, and Joey Barton. As the game wore on, Newcastle appeared to run out of ideas, and when Charlie Adam fed DJ Campbell just inside the box, he appeared to have miscontrolled, only to swivel and unleash a curler inside Harper's far post for a fantastic away day once again for Blackpool.

Mancitti once again flattered to deceive in a game of two England goalkeepers. Paul Robinson was always a unique goalkeeper. With a couple of goals on his cv, he became renowned for being beaten regularly from outside the box at Tottenham, and when he suffered a couple of howlers on England duty, his Tottenham form also suffered, effectively ending his rise and consigning him to perennial relegation battles with Blackburn. Many felt as if Blackburn was just his stepping stone to regular England duty, but he put paid to that notion when he 'retired' from a game he wouldn't have been picked for anyway. Lack of ambition aside, Robinson has recently become known for his assists as much as anything else, and his mule kicks are definitely a weapon in Blackburn's potent clog army. Against Mancitti, he must have chuckled to himself as he watched new England pretender Joe Hart make a bit of a clown of himself, as he and Kolo Toure both decided to intercept, then dummy a long ball, leaving Nicola Kalinic to bag yet another goal from an opposition cock-up. Later, Hart showed his true class, recovering from this to pull off a superb one-on-one save, something Robinson took too long to do when his career took a downward slide. Another player who seems to have very recently lost his way is Carlos Tevez, but he wriggled down the line to fire in a low cross which Patrick Vieira planted into the top corner. Another of England's men of the moment and stars of the future, Adam Johnson, also shone, and was unlucky not to glean more from a frustrating game. Tevez again missed chances he would normally bury, whilst Christopher Samba enhanced his already huge reputation as an immovable object with another teak-solid display. Mission accomplished for Blackburn, but when Mancitti see the final stats of 19 attempts on goal and 14 corners, they may wonder just how they failed to finish off a typically negative Blackburn side.

Fellow top 4 contenders Tottenham made one of the most eyebrow-raising deadline signings in World Cup finalist Rafael Van Der Vaart, whilst West Brom had snapped up eccentric Austrian free agent Paul Scharner. 'Arry has certainly made Tottenham a realistic European proposition this season. Despite missing Defoe, Woodgate, Dawson, King and Gomes, they were able to have a bench comprising Robbie Keane, Peter Crouch, Sebastien Bassong and Nico Krancjar amongst others. Van der Vaart got involved early, a lovely backheel setting up Lennon for a shot that was as high as it was wide, then when his cross was cleared from off the head of Pavlyuchenko, Modric arrived to batter the ball in. Unfortunately for 'Arry, Modric later had to be stretchered off, and Chris Brunt scrambled the ball over the goal-line for a deserved Baggies equaliser. Another from the England goalkeeping graveyard Scott Carson made a couple of very good saves, while Cudicini looks like he's shaken off his ring rustiness. Peter Odemwingie proved anything Van Der Vaart can do, he can do just as well when he set up Tamasz at the death, but both teams had to settle for a point.

Mark Hughes has made an unassuming but excellent start as Fulham manager, and they continued their unbeaten run with a valuable late win against the always powerful Wolves. Wolves took the lead inside ten minutes when a dangerous cross saw 'own goal' signs flashing in John Pantsil's eyes. He dummied it, while Jelle Van Damme didn't and put Wolves ahead. Later, our favourite pantomime villain Pantsil escaped a red card for a cynical trip, the referee perhaps thinking the game needed the comic relief. Excruciatingly for Fulham, the comedy ended when they lost their talisman Bobby Zamora to a typically hefty Wolves tackle that left the new England man with a broken leg. Fortunately for them, an unheralded but very promising signing made the difference on the day, with Moussa Dembele stabbing in the equaliser with the aid of a deflection, and bagging a last minute winner, drilling a laid off free-kick through the wall and into the bottom corner. Wolves threatened sporadically; a Doyle header was cleared off the line by Chris Baird, but they succumbed to defeat after Christophe Berra was red-carded after two obvious fouls. The final stats of six yellow cards and a red for Wolves to Fulham's none clearly illustrated the differing approaches of the two managers.

Last season, the only thing that could be counted on was Wigan following a win with a defeat. This season, they have been destroyed twice then snatched a vital win. Sunderland these days are a robust outfit under Steve Bruce, and this game saw two ex-Wigan stalwarts; Titus and Lee Cattermole, returning to their old stomping ground. The money was on a Sunderland win, especially with Ghanaian World Cup star Asamoah Gyan ready to provide threat from the bench. Sure enough, the new signing did open the scoring, but only after Lee Cattermole, the angel with a dirty face, had pulled his usual trick of diving into rash challenges and throwing a tantrum when he's booked, this time twice again for his second red card in four games. After some nifty footwork on the touchline and a peach of a cross from Henderson, Gyan flew in for a dramatic volley. With Sunderland having a lead to defend, Wigan set about breaking down the ten men behind the ball, not helped when new signing Mario Boselli somehow nodded wide of a gaping net from four yards. Roberto Martinez has made some shrewd acquisitions before the deadline, and his Manchester United loanee Tom Cleverley vollied a Mignolet punch back into the mixer late on, where Alcaraz made up for his missed sitter last week by deflecting it in with his head for a well-earned Wigan point, lifting them out of the bottom three where many thought they would stay all season.

The Sunday match saw Uncle Roy's Liverpool travel to the fortress St Andrews, facing a Birmingham side unbeaten at home for a year, and a side whom previous incumbent Rafael Benitez never managed to beat in the league. The story of an engaging first half was chiefly Jose Reina. After his childish gloating and pulling a Barcelona shirt on a rival team's player after a World Cup victory he played no part in, Reina had come across as a bit of a prat, and he followed that on with a howler in Liverpool's first league game against Arsenal, but against Birmingham he reminded us that he is still a superb goalkeeper, first displaying supreme agility to claw Cameron Jerome's header away from the bottom corner before instinctively keeping out Craig Gardner's point blank header on 35 minutes. He also intercepted a Larsson cross destined for the head of Jerome, and Liverpool were clinging on. Liverpool welcomed a new yet somehow familiar signing. This is not the first shaven-headed, ex-West Ham left-back with piercing eyes the Kop have seen, but Paul Konchesky has a slightly different poise to Julian Dicks, and he performed capably throughout. The shakiest Liverpool defender was Jamie Carragher, who missed a cross to give Roger Johnson a sitter which he contrived to skew over from 6 yards, then in the second half got a generous decision when a bit of shoulder made him look like Bambi on ice. Without the guile of Joe Cole, Liverpool's midfield looked desperately pedestrian, with Lucas Leiva and Christian Poulsen keeping the back door shut, but providing little service to Gerrard or the increasingly lacklustre Torres. With the Spanish international having to drop deep to get possession, Birmingham had no fear of anyone spinning in behind, or being sprung by a rapid counter attack. In the end, Birmingham were the more disappointed  side, and Liverpool can't get Joe Cole back fast enough.


Until next time my friends.