Derby redemption for a scorned hero

Another spectacular weekend ensued from the weird and wacky world of Premier League football, where the only predictable aspect was Chelsea destroying the opposition.

The two most successful teams in English football met in the grudge match to end all grudge matches on Sunday. Liverpool have proved unconvincing thus far, whilst United have proved unconvincing at holding onto leads. Most expected Liverpool to be very cautious and shut up shop, and United did seize the initiative in the first half with Nani very much at the forefront of the charge; wasting a gilt-edged chance from close-range when he misjudged the ball’s spin to screw wide, before thundering a blistering drive against Reina’s post. Besides these chances, United’s attacks were much of a muchness, when suddenly they took the lead just before half-time. With Fernando Torres trying to bear-hug the life out of Dimitar Berbatov, he stooped to nod into the near post, a post Paul Konchesky was deployed at, before moving behind his goalkeeper and half-heartedly handling the ball as it went in. The second half saw a minor Liverpool resistance, before the class of Berbatov pulled a rabbit out of the hat, one ‘hat trick’ before another, if you will. Controlling a Nani cross on his thigh, the Bulgarian hooked a leg over his head in a flash to send the ball crashing in off the crossbar.

At this stage Liverpool looked dead and buried, but within minutes the previously maligned and lacklustre Torres received the ball inside the box, where Jonny Evans made a catastrophic decision to slide in, was nutmegged and wiped out the Spaniard. Mr Tabloid Injunction netted his 15^th out of last 16 penalties for a Liverpool lifeline, and mere minutes later, United were suffering déjà vu at giving away a two-goal lead against a Merseyside club for the second time in a week. Torres crashed to the ground under minimal contact from John O’Shea, who was relieved to receive just a yellow card. The relief soon evaporated when Fletcher abdicated his wall duty, allowing Gerrard to plant the free-kick into an unguarded section of net. Liverpool appeared not to know whether to stick or twist, and as the clock ran down, they suffered again at the scimitar of Dimitar, guiding a header into the net for a glorious finale to a pulsating derby match.

The midlands derby in the Black Country saw most neutrals backing the resilience of an unbeaten Birmingham, who gave a debut to the most eyebrow-raising of the deadline day captures. If Belarussian star Alexander Hleb can rekindle his Arsenal form, then Birmingham may have the craft and guile they need to open up the Premiership’s stronger sides. The Baggies imposed their languid passing style on Birmingham early on, with Jerome Thomas weaving a route through to set up Nigerian striker Peter Odemwingie for an early range-finder. Despite starting stronger, West Brom found themselves a goal down at half-time; a deep Larsson cross was nodded back across goal for Cameron Jerome to poach. Paul Scharner was denied by a great save down low at the post by Foster, but Albion turned the game around with two examples of Birmingham ineptitude.

Almost from the kick-off for the second half, Jerome Thomas skinned Stephen Carr and drilled a low cross which Scott Dann, hustled by Odemwingie, turned into his own net. It got worse for Birmingham when Lee Bowyer shinned a perfect through-ball to Odemwingie, who slalomed around Foster with his first touch, and buried through a defender’s legs with his second. Bowyer then constructively channelled his frustration at leaving his studs in on Tamas, and McLeish took him off for his own good. On 69 minutes, Jonas Olsson climbed over Ridgewell to nod in a Chris Brunt corner, and the game was all sewn up for the Baggies.

Arsenal travelled to the Stadium of Light looking to keep pace with runaway leaders Chelski, on the back of their Champions League slaughtering of FC Braga in the week. Lee Cattermole was enjoying his second suspension of the season, but it was Anton Ferdinand who was the villain on unlucky 13 minutes, when his dithering clearance cannoned off Francesc Fabregas and over Mignolet’s bewildered head. Mignolet made a smart low save from Song before Fabregas again went off injured for Tomas Rosicky, though Wenger may have regretted his choice of substitute when he launched a penalty into the upper stand. Before this, Alexandre Song received his marching orders for two yellows, though he can count himself slightly unlucky as neither challenge was particularly heinous, nothing like the challenge from Bolton’s Paul Robinson that saw team-mate Abou Diaby carried off last week. As the game slipped away, Darren Bent missed a golden opportunity and you imagined it was curtains for Sunderland. But Steve Bruce’s charges are made of stern stuff these days, and as the allotted four minutes of stoppage time ticked by, the ball was launched into the box. Substitute Gyan made a nuisance of himself, Gael Clichy did his usual headless chicken impression and bladdered the ball against team-mate Laurent Koscielny, before Bent arrived to bury the loose ball for a priceless equaliser.

Tottenham lined up against a team they lost home and away to last season: Wolves. Could Spurs negotiate a tricky fixture after a draining Champions League game? The answer appeared to be yes as ‘Arry’s boys dominated early on; Marcus Hahnemann had to be on top form to deny Crouch and Van Der Vaart. Forgotten man Robbie Keane must be the one person chuffed at Jermain Defoe’s long-term lay-off, as he started his first game since anyone can remember, though he wasted a string of chances and was replaced late on. Kevin Foley bombed down Spurs’ left flank on the stroke of half-time, leaving Ledley King languishing as he fired a low cross for Stephen Fletcher to notch. Redknapp was forced into bringing on Alan Hutton for the injured Younes Kaboul, and then earned his corn with his other two substitutions. All three new players featured in Spurs’ comeback. When Ward scythed down the raiding Hutton, Van Der Vaart dispatched the penalty with 15 minutes to go, and with less than 5 minutes to go Tottenham were in front. Another substitute Aaron Lennon surged up the flank, and his cross was nodded down for Huddlestone to strike. After hitting a Wolves defender, the ball landed perfectly for substitute Roman Pavlyuchenko to caress into the net and celebrate accordingly. Spurs were playing with great freedom and Alan Hutton decided it was time to rampage forward again. His terrible one-two did not come off, but he bustled through and got his reward when Richard Stearman panicked and belted the ball against him and in for his first goal in English football.

At the foot of the table, West Ham United travelled to the Britannia Stadium for an early ‘six-pointer’. Both Avram Grant and his son Tal Ben-Haim were absent through the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur, and the Hammers appeared to shake things up in their absence by finally getting a point, though Robert Green added to his growing clanger reel with a fumble early on from a Pennant free-kick which led to Robert Huth hitting the outside of the post. On 32 minutes the West Ham end breathed a collective sigh of relief as a free-kick was bundled in by talisman Scott Parker, after Rory Delap had belted the ball against Ryan Shawcross. Anyone who remembers Frederic Piquionne hitting the crossbar from two yards last weekend would have been impressed to see him rattle it from at least ten times that distance before the half was out, but it didn’t take long in the second period for Stoke to draw level, the unusually vibrant and focussed Pennant scampering down the line and standing up perfectly for Kenwyne Jones to send the ball and Da Costa into the net. Later on, the World Cup hangover continued for Matthew Upson, who was easily barged aside by Jones, whose close-range drive was brilliantly fingertipped onto the post by fellow World Cup joke Robert Green. A series of delightful one-twos on the edge of the Stoke box were not capitalised on by West Ham’s Obinna, and Sorensen made a fine late save from Da Costa. Stoke will consider themselves unfortunate after Ricardo Fuller nodded into the ground, only to see the ball bounce unfeasibly high and again strike the crossbar. Ryan Shawcross, who had already been smacked with the ball by his own player, was sent sprawling when Green launched a clearance into the back of his head. Shawcross was crying again bless him, this time fortunately not after breaking someone’s leg.

It was a case of ‘after the Lord Mayor’s show’ for Everton, who followed their glorious comeback against Man Utd with a dismal home performance and defeat to newly promoted Newcastle. Chris Hughton is looking more like a Premiership manager by the week, with the way his teams respond to adversity. After a bad defeat to Blackpool, Newcastle came out snarling. A Joey Barton free-kick was turned away by Howard, before a Nolan cross was deflected goalward by Heitinga and smartly tipped over by the American. On 34 minutes, Newcastle lost their goalkeeper, upended in a 50-50 with Jermaine Beckford, and young Tim Krul came on. The new ‘keeper almost immediately was forced into a save from Osman, and Everton must have thought they had a good chance of a half-time lead, but it was Newcastle who took the lead, when new loan signing Hatem Ben Arfa feinted past a static Heitinga and cracked a thunderbolt into the far corner of Everton’s net.

The second half saw Maraouane Fellaini get a touch ‘fouly’, decking Mike Williamson and getting away with it. Fellaini’s reputation for wayward elbows refuses to go away. A staggering refereeing decision denied Newcastle a blatant penalty, when Nolan steadied himself in the box and swung to shoot, only for young Seamus Coleman to slide in, taking out Nolan before belatedly getting a touch on the ball. As the game slipped away, a deft pivot from Yakubu led to him hitting the post, but Krul grasped the loose ball adeptly. The final say of the match went to Newcastle’s villain Fellaini, who became Everton’s villain by somehow flicking a Leighton Baines cross wide from 5 yards with the goal at his mercy.

Everyone’s favourite excuse-maker Gerard Houllier was present at Villa Park to witness his new charges, not quite under his authority yet. Villa were looking to arrest a recent slide, particularly with Stephen Ireland back in their line-up, while Bolton were without the influential Jaaskelainen and Cahill. It didn’t look good on 12 minutes, when Fabrice Muamba conceded a free-kick just outside the box, which Ashley Young gleefully dispatched into the corner past Bogdan, but before half-time Bulgarian winger Martin Petrov had knocked back a deep Holden cross for Kevin Davies to control and swivel; firing into the roof of the net.

Stephen Ireland coaxed an effort just past the post and Downing found Bogdan immovable in the second period. At the other end, Petrov and Holden went close before Friedel pulled off a superb low save from a Matt Taylor free-kick, similar to the one Bogdan conceded in the first half. Overall, you would suspect Coyle would be happier than Houllier.

Mark Hughes returned to one of his old stomping grounds as away-day failures Fulham took on Blackburn. The game was given an hilarious extra edge by Sam Allardyce’s typically ridiculous pre-match comments that he should be managing a ‘team like Real Madrid’. Big Sam based this assessment, and the suggestion that he should be compared on equal terms with Arsene Wenger, on the basis that he employs a lot of sports scientists and nutritionists and pores through stats a lot. Which is a bit like bemoaning the fact you can’t get a date despite your mum saying you’re handsome. Big Sam never seems to grasp the concept that it’s actually a lot more challenging to play expansive football than lump it up to a big man and play on knock-downs.

What is always intriguing in Blackburn games is to guess whether Big Sam gives El-Hadji Diouf specific new methods of cheating, or whether he just tells him to ‘be creative’. Whatever it was, Diouf deployed it at Ewood Park, and somehow Mr Young the referee failed to spot the incredible acts of shameless cheating, as Diouf took his eyes away from play and deliberately charged Mark Schwarzer to the ground twice, the second time leading to a goal from giant defender Christopher Samba directly from a Paul Robinson mule kick. How the referee failed to spot these infringements beggars belief, but the crowd were used to this by the time, as he was one of the only people in the stadium not to see Mark Schwarzer handle outside the box early on. An interesting debutante was Mexican World Cup starlet Carlos Salcido at left-back as replacement for Paul Konchesky, and, after some typical surges, Salcido set up the equaliser with a dinked cross for Clint Dempsey in the second half. Despite the goal against, Fulham will be glad Schwarzer was not sent off, and that they got a useful and rare away point without talisman Bobby Zamora.

Chelski annihilated Blackpool, to the surprise of nobody. Most would have bet on Chelski scoring inside a minute, but it took just over a minute for Kalou to sweep in a corner. By the time Didier Drogba rampaged through to slide a low cross to Malouda for 2-0, the Stamford Bridge crowd had ordered their prawn sandwiches and the Tangerines had resigned themselves to heavy defeat. Baptiste drew a decent save from Cech in a token first half gesture, before Drogba swivelled to fire in a deflected third and Kalou crossed for Malouda to net his second with a fine drive. Cashley was flying, and Chelski contrived to miss enough chances to win ten games before the end of the most one-sided half you will ever see. The fact that Bet365 offered just 40-1 on Chelsea to win 10-0 summed up the first period.

To Blackpool’s credit, they came out with renewed vigour, possibly orchestrated by Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney. After DJ Campbell had sprung the blue offside trap and slid past the goalkeeper, it was up to Ivanovic to clear off the line. Gary Taylor-Fletcher forced an outstanding tip-over from Cech the Czech, and Marlon Harewood got the away fans cheering when he battered an effort into the side netting. But at the other end Chelsea were throwing in the party tricks, Drogba was profligate and pulling funny faces, while Chelsea were denied a certain penalty by the final whistle. All-in-all, Blackpool will feel proud to have kept it to single figures.

God bless Wigan Athletic for making us all smile again. Mancitti did not even have to work hard to gain a comfortable victory, as Joe Hart’s goal kick was mis-headed in midfield by Diame, catching out both of his centre-backs, who seemed to think they had better things to do than track Carlos Tevez, who also had the luxury of Al-Habsi being ten yards off his line for an easy lob. Steve Gohouri then tricked even himself in the second half, disguising a back-pass brilliantly as a lay-off for Tevez, who should have scored. And for their next trick, Wigan decided to make it a group performance. First, a lame cross was comically nodded back into the danger zone by Maynor Figueroa. Then Gohouri appeared for an encore, completely failing at a clearing header. Eventually, the ball found Tevez on the right, who fired in a low cross which Gohouri then commanded to disappear with a gesture, only to see it continue to roll past him and right into the path of Yaya Toure, arriving to slam it into the net. Diame missed a late chance to salvage something, and Al-Habsi tipped a deflected Adam Johnson cross onto his crossbar.

Another weekend of merciless amusement in the Barclays Premiership, but whatever next?