Gray and Keys are on their knees

A cracking weekend of Premiership action saw the top two look formidably convincing in their pursuit of the top prize, while the bottom three remains the three ‘W’s. Avram Grant was still in charge at the Boleyn, after Gold, Brady and O’Sullivan’s shameless coveting of Martin O’Neill ended with their crush revealing he was out of their league.

Manchester United found top gear for only the third time this season in destroying a woeful Birmingham 5-0 at Old Trafford, with Ryan Giggs as imperious as he has been for the last two decades; gliding about the pitch with all the effortlessness and vision he has accrued from knowing the Premier League inside out and keeping himself in formidable shape. Birmingham’s fragile defensive unity has been shattered with the long-term injury sustained by Scott Dann, and United essentially killed this game within the first two minutes, with John O’Shea flicking Giggs’ deadly corner goalwards, where Dimitar Berbatov was lurking to apply the finishing touch on the line. Ben Foster proved once again he is appalling with his feet minutes later, when he was pressured into a terrible kick which was returned for Rooney to flick on for Berbatov once more, but Foster redeemed himself; blocking the Bulgarian’s effort with his legs. On the half-hour, Rooney advanced and fed Berbatov on his outside, prompting the striker to cut outside his man and fire between the challenges of Johnson and Ridgewell and inside Foster’s near post for 2-0. Berbatov and Giggs then went mightily close as there seemed to be no end to the one-way traffic, and on the stroke of half-time came a goal of true magnificence. Dimitar Berbatov proved he could do no wrong, as he turned a loss of footing into a lovely tackle, before receiving a nice backheel from Rooney and sending the striker away with his return ball. Rooney bore down on goal and sent in a low teaser, which Ryan Giggs launched into the roof of the net at the back post. Wayne Rooney was looking like his old classy self, but still in front of goal he was a lame duck: in the second half Nani decided to get in on the act, and his great work culminated in a delicious cross that somehow Rooney headed wide from three yards when it looked easier to score. Rooney had a hand in the fourth goal too, when he brought down an uncompromising belt upfield from Edwin Van Der Sar; killing it with the greatest of ease before nutmegging Roger Johnson to find Ryan Giggs, whose low cross was stabbed in off the crossbar by the predatory Berbatov, who scored his third hat-trick of the season in the process. At the other end Birmingham at last saw a sight of goal, when awful control from Nemanja Vidic let in Matt Derbyshire, whose close-range cross-shot saw Van Der Sar get an arm to it, while at the back post Keith Fahey had over-ran the ball and couldn’t turn it into the open net from two yards out. The rout was completed in the 75^th minute, when Nani, clearly frustrated, finally seized the chance to cut inside onto his left foot and whip a typical drive into the corner of Foster’s net from the edge of the box.

Arsenal were also in the mood for a mauling at home to Wigan. The notoriously unpredictable Latics can turn it on against the big boys, but at the Emirates they folded like an origami crane. The tempo was set early on, when star man Samir Nasri forced a decent save from Ali Al-Habsi. The Omanian goalkeeper is the major reason why Wigan don’t get beaten by sixes and sevens anymore, and he made an unbelievable intervention not long after the Nasri stop. Gael Clichy sent a sweet crossfield ball over to Theo Walcott, whose devious low cross was pummelled towards goal by Robin Van Persie from point blank range, but Al-Habsi threw a strong glove up in an instant to pull off one of the saves of the season. Stephen Caldwell had been drafted in as defensive cover for Wigan, meaning him and his brother Gary were playing together for the first time. Another low cross from Walcott found Cesc Fabregas in the middle this time, but Caldwell S. lunged to make a magnificent block. Wigan’s rearguard was horrendously overworked, and it was no surprise when the Arsenal siege yielded the opening goal on 21 minutes. Alexandre Song played a gorgeous slide-rule pass between three defenders to find Robin Van Persie springing a poor offside trap and smashing the ball past Al-Habsi. Another intricate Arsenal move saw a deep Baccary Sagna cross find Samir Nasri, who laid off to Fabregas for a piledriver which Al-Habsi brilliantly turned aside, before Sagna retrieved the loose ball and again found Fabregas, whose quick feet saw him nutmeg Stephen Caldwell, before Maynor Figueroa finally got in a decent challenge to conceded a corner. Van Persie sent Walcott away, and the England winger laid across to Cesc Fabregas, whose path was blocked by a defender, but Walcott scampered onto the rebound, only for Stephen Caldwell to again make a stupendous block to prevent the goal. Samir Nasri and then Cesc Fabregas were again denied by the athleticism of Ali Al-Habsi to leave Wigan going into the second half with just a goal’s deficit. With very little in return, Wigan inevitably conceded a second just shy of the hour mark. A long cross from Fabregas found Robin Van Persie goal-side of Gary Caldwell, and the razor-sharp Dutchman volleyed in superbly for his, and Arsenal’s second goal. Caldwell G.’s day got worse when Nasri slid in Fabregas, and the Scottish defender seemd to fall on top of the Spaniard; conceding both a penalty and a red card. Roberto Martinez was apparently not happy at Fabregas’ perceived gamesmanship. With the Gunners fans ready to acclaim their hat-trick hero, Van Persie conspired to leather his penalty into the stratosphere, before falling to the ground clutching his head in disbelief. The Dutchman spent much of the rest of the game on a one-man mission to complete his hat-trick; first cutting outside the remaining Caldwell and striking the post. He finally saw his dream come true when Fabregas took out four defenders with a through-ball to Walcott, who merely shielded the remaining defender as Van Persie galloped onto it and buried it inside Al-Habsi’s near post. With the Dutchman on this form, Arsenal are genuine contenders. Van Persie offers the kind of direct and clinical attacking that Arsenal’s midfield just don’t offer enough, and with Walcott providing such service this Gunners team could finally break their trophy duck very soon.

The match that could have ended the careers of Andy Gray and ‘Mr Sky Sports’ Richard Keys. After earning an unlikely victory at Anfield which contributed heavily to the demise of Roy Hodgson, Mick McCarthy lined his hungry Wolves up against Kenny Dalglish’s side at Molineux, but saw only the romance of a returning hero, as the Wanderers were laid to rest in brutal fashion. The away fans must have been thrilled to see the Liverpool midfield as fluid as its looked in a decade, with Rodriguez, Poulsen, Lucas, Kuyt and Meireles interchanging and flooding the box at will. Fernando Torres seemed to relish the guarantee of support, and Raul Meireles produced a man-of-the-match display. Torres came close after a Meireles through-ball, and the favour was returned later, only for the Portuguese to fire just wide. The female referee’s assistant was under heavy fire from Wolves fans (and messrs Keys and Gray) in the 36^th minute, when Christian Poulsen put Meireles into yards of space, but replays showed the decision to be an excellent one. Meireles bore down on goal, but elected at the last minute to square to Torres, who slid into the empty net gratefully. Liverpool’s academy seems to be very top-heavy with full-backs, having produced Jon Otsemobor, Stephen Wright, Stephen Warnock and Jamie Carragher in recent years, though Carragher has of course evolved into a centre-back. The latest off the conveyor belt is Martin Kelly, and he looks very competent. Although it initially looked a strange decision, Dalglish’s choice of Kelly at right-back and Glen Johnson at left-back seems to be paying dividends, as Paul Konchesky was never good enough. Raul Meireles sealed the game with a superb sliced volley into the top corner, after a long ball had been nodded out to him by Christophe Berra. The Molineux pitch was far from lush, but Liverpool were moving about it with ease. The facially-challenged Jon Jo Shelvey came on and missed a glorious opportunity from another great Meireles ball, but in stoppage time some gloss was added to an already comfortable scoreline, when Glenn Johnson fed Dirk Kuyt, and a tackle executed on the Dutchman only let the ball squirm across to the predatory Torres, who belted it in from close range for 3-0.

Frederic Piquionne pulled a bit of a boner, as his late red card cost West Ham a man in their pursuit of defending a victory. Lining up in their horrible dirty white away kit, and under a manager many thought would be long gone by now, the Hammers took the lead after Mark Noble released Luis Boa Morte down the left flank, and the Portuguese winger appeared to cut back too far, but Jonathan Spector arrived in the nick of time to cash in. Boa Morte was later aggrieved to be denied his own goal by a narrow offside call, which was compounded when Diniyar Bilayetdinov crisply volleyed in a Fellaini knock-down; just reward for the Toffees’ pressure. Everton fans were cursing minutes later when it looked as if they had turned the game around, but after Leon Osman had deftly found Luis Saha; who spun on a sixpence and flashed in a shot that Green could only parry; Seamus Coleman contrived to volley over an open net. The Irons used this let-off to stage a claim for victory, when a hanging Wanye Bridge cross was gloriously headed into the top corner by Frederic Piquionne, for what looked like a remarkable winner. Sadly, the most misguided rule of the game ruined his moment, as he charged into the passionate throng of away supporters to earn a second yellow card. West Ham were too short of bodies to hold on for even five minutes, and after a Saha long-ranger had been tipped wide by Rob Green, an Osman dink saw Jack Rodwell flick on for Marouane Fellaini to chest down and spin to drive low into the net, with Julien Faubert falling over comically in his desperate attempts to prevent him from doing so. Avram was a sad man once again.

Apparently £24million can buy more than £27 million. Darren Bent ignored the torrent of criticism at his baffling move to Aston Villa to prove that goalscorers are certainly worth their weight in gold; earning a priceless victory to ease Villa’s relegation concerns while plunging City’s title credentials into fresh doubt. The nagging doubt that Mancitti do not know how to play when they go a goal down will not go away, and even bumper new signing Edin Dzeko could not make an impact; that is, aside from his howler of a miss late on. Shay Given continues to wait his career out on the City bench, while John Carew has moved on loan to Stoke to avoid Gerard Houllier. Carlos Tevez produced an embarrassing air-kick from a Kolarov corner, and the cock-ups continued for Mancitti, as they gave away possession yards from their penalty box, which let in Ashley Young for a great effort that Joe Hart could only parry to Darren Bent, plundering his debut goal. City spent much of the rest of the game camped in Villa’s half, their closest sight coming when Ciaran Clark’s last-ditch tackle deflected a goalbound De Jong shot onto the post, before Dzeko somehow nodded a sumptuous cross wide at the back post from six yards. When Kolarov’s sidefooted effort took two deflections to leave Friedel grounded but went wide, City’s day was encapsulated. Villa rode their luck but came away with a priceless victory, or rather a very pricey victory, consigning City to a costly defeat.

Tottenham snatched a last-minute draw from a game they looked to have surrendered, with Aaron Lennon being criminally allowed to cut inside on his favoured right foot before thumping low inside Harper’s near post. Newcastle came close early on, when a deep Jose Enrique cross seemed to miss everyone, only for Leon Best to slide in and hit the crossbar from an unfeasible angle. Spurs new boy Stephen Pienaar passed to Rafael Van Der Vaart; pulling off a devious flick to set away Defoe, who was foiled by the onrushing Harper. Just before the hour mark, Newcastle took the lead deservedly, when Danny Guthrie fired across the box to Fabio Coloccini, who chested the ball past Alan Hutton and drilled past almost namesake Cudicini. Spurs went close from Lennon in reply, while Newcastle saw Lovenkrands denied. Aaron Lennon was Tottenham’s constant threat in unfamiliar territory on the left flank, and his probing found Luka Modric, who battered the crossbar under intense pressure. Nile Ranger had come on and nearly sewed the game up when he beat Dawson and the goalkeeper, but Cudicini got enough on it to deflect it along the goal-line and away. Just as Newcastle started to believe the win was theirs, some dreadful defending allowed Lennon in on his favoured foot, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Chelski brushed aside a feeble Bolton Wanderers side without ever getting out of first gear. Despite missing Frank Lampard and having Jon Obi Mikel in midfield, Chelsea strolled it from beginning to end. The deadlock was broken after Gretar Steinsson had faffed about before losing possession on his right flank. The ball broke for Didier Drogba, who cantered forward and whinnied before unleashing a howitzer that sizzled past Jussi Jaaskelainen before he could even smell it. Petr Cech did make a superb fingertip save from a Matt Taylor header, but this was a rare foray. Any thoughts that the Trotters would make a fight of it in front of their own fans on a day when most were paying respects to fallen Bolton icon Nat Lofthouse were dispelled before half-time, when a slung-in cross saw the Bolton defence go nappy-byes. The ball found Malouda in yards of space at the back post, and he had taken control, shifted the ball to his favoured foot and shaped to shoot before Gary Cahill reluctantly decided he should probably challenge. As it was, the England wannabe’s lazy back-turning block saw the ball rebound back to Malouda, who drilled the return inside the near post, past a shame-faced Jaaskelainen. The second half saw more of the same, and Nicolas Anelka profited after numerous Bolton defenders fell over or miscued from a cross, by guiding the ball low at the centre of goal. Jaaskelainen got a full hand to his effort but only managed to spoon it into his own net. The Bolton goalkeeper continued his liquid gloves show for the fourth, which, again following some comic cuts defending, fell to Ramires, who steered it goalward, watching the Bolton goalkeeper again get a firm hand to the shot but allow it to crash in off the post. To be fair to the Finnish stopper, he then began to pull off a few decent saves to keep the score respectable, though it was certainly a case of bolting the stable door after the Drogba had (thunder)bolted.

Sunderland stuck two fingers up to Darren Bent, with a convincing victory over buccaneering Blackpool; gaining revenge for their earlier shock home defeat to the Tangerines. The early signs were not good though, as Craig Gordon’s dithering saw Gary Taylor-Fletcher close him down as he cleared, with the clearance ricocheting off the striker and towards goal, but Gordon instinctively threw up a hand to deflect it wide. Blackpool were themselves missing their own top scorer in DJ Campbell. Just 15 minutes had passed when Asamoah Gyan seized possession from a Sunderland headed clearance, and advanced before sliding in Kieran Richardson beautifully. The England man finished well, though Blackpool fans were a tad aggrieved that they had been temporarily forced down to ten men by the same man kicking Neal Eardley in the face. The Blackpool man was out of the action receiving treatment to stem the bleeding when his assailant scored. Charlie Adam displayed why Liverpool will have to raise their derisory offer for him when he began to pull the strings; first sending Sheffield Wednesday reject Luke Varney through, who was foiled by Gordon spreading himself at his feet. Adam then weaved a path through before unleashing the fury; bringing a great save out of compatriot Gordon. Of all the things Blackpool didn’t need, it was a second Sunderland goal before the break, but that’s exactly what happened on 35 minutes. Steed Malbranque showed desire to be first to a loose ball and keep it on, right on the left touchline. He advanced and slid a cute pass around the last man, which Kieran Richardson again seized on and buried rapidly, low inside Kingson’s near post. Charlie Adam tested Gordon to the limit with a ferocious free-kick, while Richard Kingson injured himself saving bravely at the feet of Bolo Zenden, being replaced by former Manchester United youngster Paul Rachubka. Young Matt Phillips was impressing once again with his confidence and step-overs, and his jinking run found substitute Marlon Harewood, who spun and fired just wide. Jordan Henderson almost made the game safe with a delicate lob, but Blackpool pulled a goal back with five minutes to go, when David Vaughan and Gary Taylor-Fletcher exchanged passes, with Vaughan going down dubiously as Nedim Onuoha appeared to pull out of a challenge. Charlie Adam slotted in the penalty to ensure Blackpool’s incredible home scoring record continued. Last season they only failed to score in one home game, and this season they are nine for nine. Truly the neutral’s team of choice.

Fulham continued their resurgence as they begin to get players back from injury, and before the game Mark Hughes and Tony Pulis made a big display of actually shaking hands. With the childish antics forgotten, the woodwork was well struck; Damien Duff thumping the crossbar from long range. A typical Stoke long ball was poorly cleared and fell to Kenwyne Jones, who battered the post. On 33 minutes Andy Johnson skated around the sluggish Ryan Shawcross, who could only watch in horror as the England man’s low cross was converted under heavy pressure by Clint Dempsey. There was to be no Shawcross Redemption in the second half, as the youngster molested Dempsey to the ground to give away a penalty and a red card. He mercifully left the pitch without tears. Dempsey converted the penalty expertly, and that was that. Andy Johnson looked as if his sharpness is returning, as he forced a late great save from Asmir Begovic, while Damien Duff forced a vital clearance which could so easily have been an own goal by Rory Delap. An interesting footnote was John Carew’s introduction as a sub, because as we know, Pulis buys flair (Gudjohnsen, Tuncay) and doesn’t play them, but big men will always have a place in the Potters’ line-up.

Blackburn continued their impressive run under rookie boss Steve Kean, with a  convincing victory over a lacklustre West Bromwich Albion; to move up to seventh. It could have been all so different had Paul Robinson not been in such excellent form. He saved well from Peter Odemwingie after Morten Gamst Pedersen had given the ball away in a ridiculous area, while opposite number Boaz Myhill saved brilliantly after seeing an Olsson strike very late. Roque Santa Cruz received a pass to knock the ball down to Christopher Samba, who fired a goalpost width wide. Jerome Thomas was leaving Michel Salgado for dead time and again, and his shot was deflected into the side netting by Samba. Cue comic genius just before half-time, as Gabriel Tamas nodded a Dunn cross magnificently into his own top corner under pressure from Kalinic. Youngster Junior Hoilett sealed the game a minute after half-time; receiving a chest down from Kalinic before crashing it into the roof of Myhill’s net. Mark Clattenburg then ruined the Baggies’ hopes, after seeing Odemwingie’s leg being swept away clearly a yard inside the box, but the referee insisted it was a yard outside, and the free-kick was wasted. Paul Robinson had an inspired day, while Blackburn could have grabbed a third late on, but after Olsson had twisted and turned and forced a parry from Myhill, the awkward bounce meant Jason Roberts could not convert the rebound. A curious footnote is that the game saw a new record of 22 different nationalities represented in the same match at one time. Cosmopolitan indeed.